Til Death Do Us Part
by Vicki So
Summary: The Avatar and company face their greatest challenge: planning and getting through Zuko and Katara's wedding day! Why oh why couldn't they have just eloped? Comedic drabbles and randomness for everyone who hates weddings! COMPLETE!
1. Napkins

**I'm not a fan of weddings. They're expensive formalities that force you to spend hours with people you don't know and probably don't like but your parents told you to invite them anyways to 'give face'. You end up gnashing your teeth over trivial details like bonbonniers and centrepieces, when really, you should be focussing on the man/woman you're gonig to spend your life with.**

**That said, this is going to be a series of comedic drabbles and randomness about Zuko and Katara's wedding, written on Storybender's request. It may not be in any particular order, so you might read about the ceremony before you read about ordering the cake. It's that random.  
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**The characters will probably be a bit OOC, but I've found weddings can change people dramatically at times.**

**I own nothing, including Avatar: The Last Airbender.**

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**Napkins**

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Sokka rarely felt any sympathy for his future brother-in-law. The 18-year-old Fire Lord was still an arrogant, obnoxious, spoiled brat, as far as he was concerned.

But on occasion, and in more recent months, the young warrior looked upon Zuko with heart-felt pity.

"So what do you think, Zuko?" The young bride-to-be entered the room carrying an armful of coloured linen swatches. "Should the tablecloths and napkins be red and blue, blue and gold, red and white, blue and white, or purple and pink?"

The young Fire Lord sat stiffly at the dining room table, pretending to pore over a legal document. He had no idea what he was reading, but as long as it kept him out of the wedding planning, it was important enough to focus on. He made a guttural noise and kept staring down.

"I know your traditions are all about the red and gold, but Gran-Gran and daddy are going to be there, and Chief Arnook and Master Pakku and lots of others from the Northern Water Kingdom. And they're, well, you know… still a little bit sensitive."

Zuko pressed his tongue against the roof of his mouth, trying desperately to ignore his _beloved_ – he reminded himself gently – fiancée.

"So blue and gold go nice together, but I think it might be too dark, and it won't match my third evening dress. I really like how the lavender and pink go together, but it's too… I dunno. Froo-froo."

The Fire Lord made an affirmative noise.

"White goes with everything, but from what Iroh's told me, it's the colour of death in the Fire Nation, and I don't want to offend anyone. And red and blue would be best, except they clash horribly. Royal purple is kinda' nice as a mix of the two. I wonder if the dye makers can tie-die the napkins so the colours blend into each other? Do you think that would be too tacky?"

"Mm." Zuko managed.

"You're not even paying attention!" Katara threw the bundle of napkins down, her eyes blazing with fury. "You NEVER listen to me!"

Zuko glanced up, glassy eyed. He suppressed a sigh. "Whatever you pick is wonderful, my love... Just. Like. You." He graced her with a rare – albeit forced – smile. Sokka could practically hear the Firebender's jaw creak with the effort.

Fortunately for all involved, the Waterbender blithely took the handsome Fire Lord's words as genuine. She beamed at him, blushing, and quickly collected the napkins up, exiting the room once more in a swirl of rainbow-coloured serviettes. "I love you too…" she cooed as she exited.

Zuko watched her go, still grinning maniacally. As soon as she was gone, he slumped down with his head on the table.

Sokka hid a smile. "I gotta say, you're getting pretty good at that husbandly manner," he said. Zuko groaned and ran a palm over his face.

"This whole wedding thing is making me crazy! I mean, I'm the Fire Lord! I have a whole nation to run and a war to end! Can't she go and bug one of her girlfriends about this stuff?"

"She only asks you because she cares," Sokka grimaced. "It's, like, supposed to be the happiest day of her life. Both your lives."

"I'll be happy, alright. Happy once it's all over." Zuko fumed. "No offense."

Sokka had to agree with the prick. The last two months had been nothing but an exhausting string of interviews with seamstresses, florists, bakers, musicians, temple ministers, and a host of other party professionals Sokka had no idea even existed. After all, the Fire Lord's wedding was not just going to be a casual affair. It would be the social event of the century. That he was marrying a Waterbender only made the event that much more important. Everything – EVERYTHING – had to be _perfect_. It would literally be one for the history books.

"Well, be glad Aang has your bachelor party planned out. It's going to be great!" Sokka rubbed his hands gleefully together. "Considering this is Aang we're talking about, he must have planned something totally amazing, but he's been pretty tight-lipped about it. I didn't think he was even capable of keeping a secret."

Zuko gave him a knowing smirk, the flicker of his own secrets shining in his gold eyes. "I'm not so sure the party could possibly be THAT wild, Sokka. He's a monk, after all."

"Oh, we'll see about that," the water warrior crossed his arms over his chest.

"Zuko!" Katara hollered from the other room. "The florist is here! Come help me pick some centerpieces. And decorations. And corsages. And my bouquet!"

The young Fire Lord winced as he wearily heaved himself up and slumped out of the room. He called back half-heartedly to his beloved. "Coming..."

Sokka sniggered at the Firebender's back.

"Sokka! You come too!" Katara cried. "I'd love your opinion!"

"What? This is _your_ wedding! You pick—"

"NOW!"

Katara's big brother whimpered and followed suit.

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**My solution: use paper serviettes.**


	2. Dressed Up

**Dressed Up**

Zula gawped. Beads of sweat stood on her brow.

She had never been so terrified in all her life. She was the crown princess of the Fire Nation, second in line to the throne until her brother sired some brats, a Firebending prodigy, practically a master by her own rights, and unafraid of anything.

But she had never faced such a daunting horror.

"You're going to look sooooo wonderful!" Katara squealed. Tears pricked the corners of her wide blue eyes and she sniffed. "Zula, you've been so good to me… I'm so happy you're going to be my maid of honour." The water girl hugged her tightly, but Zula could not tear her eyes away from the… thing… the Waterbender held. She backed away and smiled weakly, still trembling.

"Not that you had a lot of choice, all things considered. I mean, I'm practically the only other girl around here." Zula coughed uncomfortably.

The Water Tribe girl didn't hear her. "Well, try it on!" Katara shoved the puffy, powder blue bridesmaid dress into Zula's arms.

"Ehm… Katara… it's…" the princess – normally the alpha female of the two girls and used to ordering the water girl around like the peasant she was – looked into her friend's glistening eyes and pursed her lips guiltily. _Do it for Katara… it'll be worth seeing Zuko tortured by his own woman._ "It's… uhm… interesting."

The Waterbender ushered her behind the changing screen. She removed her clothes and pulled the dress on over her head. She didn't need a mirror to know it looked absolutely hideous, but one awaited her as she stepped out.

Zula summoned every ounce of courage and restraint she had. She breathed, putting herself through numerous calming meditative techniques, and steeled herself to not scream, tear the thing off, burn it, bury the ashes, and salt the ground in which it was interred.

Every ugly bridesmaid dress Zula had ever seen seemed to have had their worst qualities sewn into the body of the powder blue monstrosity clinging to her. It managed to highlight all her worst features without complimenting a single one of her good traits. It had puffy sleeves, lace, glitter, frills, ribbons, and bows, and a white ermine fur collar that was giving her a rash. The only word Zula had for the dress was CRAPTACULAR, and she didn't even know what that meant.

Katara's eyes sparkled. "You. Look. BEAUTIFUL!" She collapsed over her maid of honour, sobbing with joy, hugging her with more sisterly affection than she had ever shown even Sokka. "Oh Zula, you've made me so HAPPY!"

Zula crumpled and wept with her, letting a single, undignified sob bubble past her lips.

Of course, she wasn't crying in happiness or joy.


	3. Special Services

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**Special Services**

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The Avatar launched himself at the Fire Lord.

"ZUKOOOOO!"

The Firebender barely turned in time to receive the monk's crushing hug.

"HRRRURRKKK!"

"So very dignified of the Fire Lord," Azula mused. "Though you should be wary of palace gossip. People get strange ideas when young men hug each other."

Aang unlatched all of his gangly limbs from around the Fire Lord's torso and popped back with a puff of air. He stood a few inches taller than Zuko now, having sprouted over the past two years. Azula raised a shapely eyebrow – the boy was growing up quite handsomely.

"Hey 'Zula!" Aang chirruped. "I see you still haven't killed your brother. That's great!"

"And spare him from his own hellish wedding? I think not," she sneered. "Besides, I'm the maid of honour. I don't think Katara would be too pleased if I were to make her a widow before she was even married."

Aang laughed a little too loudly.

"Are you ready for tonight?" He asked excitedly. "I just came in from the tavern hall and they've got it decked out real nice."

"You didn't have to go all-out for me like that," Zuko's lips twisted, smiling tautly. "You know I'm not really all that…" he floundered and sighed, "…fun."

The monk grinned even wider. "Which is why you'll LOVE tonight! C'mon, it's your last chance to be a real guy."

Azula sneered at her brother. "I hope Uncle Iroh didn't try to _push_ anything on you." She snickered. "Katara might not be too pleased with certain _traditions_."

Aang didn't know what the fire siblings were going on about, but he let it pass. "I got all your old crew to come, and your Uncle, too."

Zuko's face fell. "You invited all of THEM?"

"Well sure. I mean, you did spend two years with them on a boat chasing after me. Who else would you invite? It's not like you have any friends."

Visions of past music nights whirled through the Firebender's mind. He lowered his head, his long ponytail hanging limply. Aang saw this and hugged his best friend.

"Hey! It's okay, buddy, I'm your best man! That's what friends do! Zuko? Zuko are you actually crying…?"

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Sure enough, there was Jee with his sitar. 

"Prince Zuko!" He bellowed, holding up a tankard. An uproarious cheer went up and he looked around. All of them were there, from the cook to the helmsman. It would have made him feel fuzzy and warm inside if it weren't for the fact that his blood had run colder than the waters of the Northern Water Tribe.

"Princ'Zuko, yer late!" The engineer sloshed up to him.

Even now that he was Fire Lord, his old cretinous crew still called him "Prince." He smiled back through gritted teeth.

Aang and Sokka pushed the man of the hour into the tavern and sat him down roughly in a large chair. He was immediately handed two tankards of ale, one for each hand, and encouraged to down them.

He stared into his mug of cloudy amber liquid queasily.

"Don't you have something from the vintage stock? Maybe a nice red or—BLURRGHH!"

The helmsman forced the mug to his Lord's lips and tipped the bottom up so Zuko was forced to chug the ale down fast, lest he spill it all over his nice clean tunic. Halfway through, he pulled the mug away and snarled, spluttering.

"Wha'dyou think yer…" Zuko wiped his mouth and blinked. _"Ohhh boy."_

Well, at least now, everyone wasn't as much of a cretin as he originally thought. He looked at his drink, shrugged, and gulped down the rest of his first tankard.

It was all downhill from there. The tavern, reserved for the entire evening for the Fire Lord's party, became an ale-soaked mess of dancing and singing. Sokka ended up doing an interpretive dance for everyone, while Iroh and Aang, who remained perfectly sober, sang a romantic duet. Zuko sat dizzily in his chair, wondering why the lights in the room kept getting darker, so he held out a hand and ignited a brilliant flare in his palm, marveling at all the pretty colours.

Fearing for the groom, Aang doused the prince with a pitcher of water. "I don't think it's a good idea to mix alcohol and fire right now," he said. "But I think it's time I brought your present out!"

The monk dashed away while Zuko blearily stared after him. A lump formed in his throat. Traditionally, Fire Nation grooms were gifted… special services... by professional women hired for the nuptial rite of passage. Uncle had told him as much, anyhow, but he had refused the offer from his esteemed relative for such a gift. He loved Katara, after all, and wasn't comfortable with what she would think about this time-honoured custom. Besides, 'Zula would never let him get away with it. However, if _Avatar Aang_, his best man, was giving him this gift, well… he had no way to refuse it. He was the Master of the Elements, and could kick the Fire Lord's shapely butt until he accepted.

The cold shower had sobered Zuko up a little, but now he was feeling a little nauseous and needed to use the bathroom quite badly. He stood on his wobbly legs and staggered forward, but Aang returned just at that moment, dragging… something.

"This is from me, buddy!" Aang grinned as the men warily backed away. "Her name is Fluffy."

Zuko squinted. If that was a woman, it was the ugliest woman he had ever seen. He rubbed his eyes as the tavern fell silent. The men began to climb on top of chairs and tables in order to get away from the thing on the leash.

He did a double take. His vision suddenly cleared.

No amount of ale would bring him back to that state of drunken bliss.

"_Aaaaannng…_" Sokka said from the side, "Where… _exactly_… did you get a _wild hog-monkey?"_

"I got her from some guys selling curios at the wharf," the Avatar dragged on the leather leash, pulling the squealing, grunting creature forward. "She's great! You have to ride her, Zuko, it's so much fun!"

Zuko backed away from the little monster. "Aang… this... is… too… _generous_ of you…" he fell back into his chair and reined himself in before he started climbing up it the same way the others were piling on top of the furniture to keep out of the hog-monkey's path. "But I can't accept it—her."

"Sure you can! I can't ask you to keep her, of course, I have to set her free. But you HAVE to ride a hog-monkey before you get married. It's tradition!"

"Whose tradition?" Sokka called from the table top.

Aang blinked and shrugged. "I dunno. It must be _someone's_."

"Really Aang, I—"

The monk smilingly handed him the leash and Zuko stared at the thin strip of leather now twined around his wrist. His eyes followed the length of short slack to the collar around the thick-necked, wiry-haired, long-limbed creature.

The female hog-monkey stared back at him with shining yellow eyes. In a split second, she calculated the following: 1) the Avatar was no longer holding onto her tether; 2) her leash was now being held by someone significantly less able to handle her; and 3) there was lots of room in the tavern to run around and lose her keepers.

Fluffy bolted with a squeal, jerking Zuko forward. He fell onto his front and was dragged behind in her galloping wake.

And as the Fire Lord went tearing over the rugs, wood floorboards, slate, gravel, and sand leading out of the tavern, into the town, down the street, and onto the beach, he wished to Agni he had: 1) worn armour; 2) been drunker; and 3) accepted the safe offer of a woman's special services.

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**I suppose that's better than waking up with things drawn on your chest with permanent marker...**


	4. Blessings

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**Blessings**

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Zuko took a deep breath as he faced the solid iron door. The two guards watched their ruler uneasily. 

"Open," he commanded.

The heavy door swung open on creaking hinges, clanging loudly as it hit the interior wall. The Fire Lord stepped into the lowest of the lower dungeons in the Fire Nation Palace, listening to the eerie whistling at the end of the corridor. His loud booted footsteps rang in time to the haunting tune trilling in the damp air. Zuko recognized it as an old Fire Nation lullaby.

Two more steps and he turned. A low, guttural laugh came from a dark corner.

"Zukoooo…" A deep voice cooed. "My son."

"Father," Zuko swallowed dryly. "How are you?"

"Not bad… not bad at all." The Firebender could feel his sire's menacing grin in the dark. "I've learned how to whistle."

"That's nice." Zuko still couldn't see anything moving in the darkened corner, but he heard the heavy rattle of chains against stone.

"How's your sister?" Ozai asked lightly.

"Um… well. She's doing fine."

The dark corner made an affirmative noise. A heavy silence descended between the two, and Zuko fidgeting, staring at his feet.

"Are they feeding you well?" Zuko asked.

"Oh, rather. Last night was lobster night. Cook does an amazing job. I don't know how he gets the scallions just that way, but when you bite into them, it's like heaven." Ozai sighed.

"Only the best for my dad," Zuko cringed at himself. He thought for a moment he could see his father's fangs glistening at him in the dark.

"Do you think you could ask the guards to bring me more books?" Ozai asked hopefully. "Just a few volumes of _Sozen's Manifesto_, maybe?"

"I'll see what I can get you," Zuko smiled. Dad always did like to read. He steeled himself for the reason he'd come to visit. "So… I'm getting married."

Silence.

"That's wonderful news, son."

"She's a wonderful girl," Zuko ventured. "Her name is Katara."

More silence. "That's… that's a Water Tribe name, isn't it?" Ozai managed from the dark.

Zuko cleared his throat. "Yeah."

There was a strangled noise as the old man held back a sob, or maybe a roar, or possibly even a laugh. Ozai cleared his throat and forced a chuckle. "Well, you are the Fire Lord. I suppose there's no woman you can't have." He said through gritted teeth.

"I love her." Zuko stared into the corner.

Chains rattled. "That's nice, Zuko."

Zuko could hear the steady drip of a leaking pipe. A rat scuttled somewhere nearby, and the noises echoed hollowly between his ears. "I was wondering…" he said suddenly. He couldn't believe he was asking this. "Do… do you want to come? To the wedding, I mean."

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**Awwwwwkkwaaaaaarrrrrrdd...**


	5. Family Matters

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**Family Matters**

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"You WHAT?"

"Invited my father," Zuko said calmly, stepping away from his hysterical relative. Iroh had his arms up in the air, gesturing emptily with his hands while he tried to gather the words to express his disbelief. "And he said yes."

"Why… on earth… would you do that?" Azula asked slowly, calmly. Zuko shrugged.

"He's our father. He has a right to be at his own son's wedding."

Iroh wandered in a circle around the room, like a directionless tin wind-up toy set off to go bumping and ricocheting off furniture legs and booted feet. He was making small, sputtering, strangled noises in his throat.

"What's wrong with uncle?" Zuko asked.

Azula slapped her forehead. "You invited dad." She repeated. "Dad. As in Ozai. As in the man who gave you that scar, banished you from the Fire Nation, pitted _me_ against you, tried to take over the world, and kill you, your fiancée, your best friends, and everyone within a kilometer radius of the palace."

"_Pfft._ That's all in the past now," Zuko waved off. "He's had plenty of time to mull it over and repent. I'm sure he's sorry about it now."

Iroh grabbed a cushion off the settee and pushed it into his face. He screamed into its downy softness before dropping it and taking up another. He clutched the silk covered pillow to his chest, babbling to himself. The fire siblings couldn't quite make out everything the retired general was saying, but they did catch, "_Crazy homicidal… foolish Fire Lord… completely in denial… I need tea…_"

Zuko watched him in amusement. "Uncle, will you stop worrying? You act like he's going to try to kill you."

"That's because HE WILL!" Iroh wailed. "Remember how _I_ tried to kill him? Well, he's going to get me back! Poison in my tea, poison in my cake… I won't be able to eat anything that night!"

"Dad won't use poison!" Zuko exclaimed laughingly. "Come on, we all know him better than that! If he's going to try and kill anyone, he'll do it by Agni Kai!"

Suddenly the Fire Lord wasn't laughing. Azula crossed her arms over her chest, raised an eyebrow and looked at her stupid brother expectantly.

Zuko paled.

"…Oh shit."

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**You know how at some weddings, there are just some people you know you shouldn't put in the same room together, but can't avoid inviting regardless? Well, let's just say Ozai has some issues with… well, everyone.**


	6. Seating Arrangements

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**Seating Arrangements**

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Contrary to how everyone thought she'd react, Katara was overjoyed.

"Zuko, that's so… sweet!" Her eyes glistened with tears. "I always knew you and your father would reconcile one day. I'm so happy for you."

"Happy," Zuko smiled weakly. "Right."

"Now, the only question is, where should we put him?" Katara walked over the to miniature reception hall spread out before her. Hundreds of small wooden figurines with names flagged on each were strategically arranged all over the floor plan, 12 seated at each round table. Every time Zuko looked at this monstrosity, he wondered if Katara had invited every single person she had ever encountered on her journeys with the Avatar to their reception. He knew for certain that her entire village had been invited: judging by tables labeled "Zhang Tribe" and "Gan jin Tribe", there would probably be a few other entire villages attending as well.

She grabbed up a spare peg from a little box, wrote Ozai's name on the slip of paper tied to it, and appraised the floor plan. "Hmm…"

Zuko felt a sense of déjà vu as he stared at the map. It was like he was in the war room all over again.

"We can't put him at the head table, there just isn't enough space," Katara said definitively. "We've got room at tables 4, 7 and 8. That's pretty close to the family."

"Katara. He's my father."

She waved him off. "I know, I know, but he also tried to kill Aang and your uncle and everyone in the bridal party, not to mention_ you_," she studied the pegs around table 8. "Do you think your father would get along with Master Jeong Jeong?"

Zuko gave his fiancée a deadpan stare.

"Oh, right, he led the rebellion against him. Sorry, forgot." She tapped the Ozai peg against her palm. "How about here?" She pointed at the table of his old crew members.

"Are you nuts?" Zuko said. "Do you know how much those guys drink?"

"Your dad's not off the wagon, is he?"

"You mean on the wagon. No, but dad's... well..." Zuko coughed. "He's a… happy drunk. A _violently_ happy drunk."

Katara put a coloured pin on the table. "Okay, so that's a possibility we'll keep in mind. Where else can we put your father?" She scanned the miniature room.

Zuko did not remark on how his beloved had just overridden him. "How about here?"

"With King Bumi?" Katara asked incredulously.

"They're both Kings. They were both in the war since they were children. And they're both crazy. They'll have plenty to talk about," Zuko shrugged.

The Waterbender smiled. "Can't argue with that logic," she said putting another marking pin in. "Let's choose one more, and we'll pick the best out of three."

They stared and stared at the vast map for minutes. And then Katara began moving pegs.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm rearranging people to see if we can't sit your dad somewhere… more appropriate," she said without stopping.

"Don't do that! We won't know where they were if we have to put them back!"

"Relax, I had the royal cartographer come in and do a sketch."

The Fire Lord almost admonished his wife-to-be about using important palace personnel to help plan their wedding. Almost. But the scene he had made in the war room nearly four years ago kept playing through his mind as a warning reminder, like a blaring klaxon in the back of his skull. So he kept his mouth shut.

Katara moved hither and tither, her hands full of wooden pegs. When she had finally replaced them all, she stood back to scrutinize her work. Zuko squinted.

"Why does Momo have his own seat?"

"Why not?"

"You separated Haru him from his father."

"Oh, like he's not used to that."

"Wait a second, since when were the PIRATES invited?"

"Since you said it would be okay."

"I never said that!" Zuko cried. "They tried to kill me! When did I ever say they could come?"

"When you said, 'That's fine, my love, whatever you decide is wonderful.'" She smiled. "Besides, if it weren't for them, I would never have gotten to meet you," she wrapped a slender arm around his waist and traced a fingertip along his chest. "Remember?"

Zuko looked down at his lovely water nymph and whimpered. "Okay. Pirates. Right." He stared at the seating plan some more, but his mind soon became distracted by Katara's wandering hands and wanton purring.

He quickly lost sight of his father's peg.

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**...And then they had fiery smex. **


	7. The Talk

**I got a few comments on the last round about "fiery smex" - let me just credit that to someone on LJ whose name I can't remember (step up if you know for certain you invented it!). Meanwhile, it gave me inspiration for this bit. So for the sake of comedy (and anyone who was squeamish about pre-marital sex), let's just assume that up until now, Zuko and Katara have only been engaged in heavy petting.**

**For something that's not written by a two-bit hack, go read AkaVertigo's _Tempest in a Teacup_: it's a beautiful AU series that puts my work to shame.**

**(I wanna see a write-off! Rashaka vs. RedNovember vs. wilderness-writer vs. AkaVertigo! Yeah! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!)**

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**The Talk**

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"I have to have the talk with you," Azula said sharply. "Uncle Iroh's making me."

"What 'the talk'?"

"The… uh… night… talk." Azula, normally unfazed by the birds and the bees, suddenly felt very uncomfortable talking to the Water Tribe girl about her brother's bodily functions. "See, on the wedding night, a wife and a husband…"

"Zula, it's okay. I know all about the 'flowers and the eels,' or whatever it is you call it in the Fire Nation," she smiled, the barest blush tinting her cheeks. Azula looked flustered.

"No, it's not that. Well it is that, but… you're from the Water Tribe, so you might not know what… else… is involved." Azula felt her cheeks burn. "Because men from the Fire Nation… when they're… uh… oh boy, this is going to be difficult…"

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"What do you mean 'Water Tribe women are different'?" Zuko asked, feeling more than a little uncomfortable talking to his uncle about... _that_.

"It's not all Water Tribe women, mind you. Just the Waterbenders," Iroh explained. "And Katara is a master, which is why I feel it's important to warn… I mean _tell_ you about…"

"Spit it out, uncle."

"Well, when you're doing… that… it gets, um, hot."

Zuko stared at his old relative. He pointed at himself. "Firebender, remember?"

"Well, that's just the thing. I've heard… stories… where… well, it gets _very_, um, hot, and a Waterbender's instinct is, naturally, to cool down."

"And?"

Iroh cleared his throat. "Well, Zuko, let me just put it out there. Do you know what frostbite can do?"

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"His WHAT is on fire?"

Azula covered her face. "Sometimes… it's ALL on fire."

Katara whimpered and crossed her legs.


	8. Souvenirs

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**Souvenirs**

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The idea visited her in the middle of the night, as ideas tend to. So she went knocking on the Fire Lord's door to have it entertained.

"We need bonbonnieres." Katara brightly said to her sleepy-eyed fiancé.

"Muh?"

"Bonbonnieres; little gifts for the guests to take home."

Zuko shuffled aside and let her enter his room. He collapsed onto a sedan chair, eyes still closed. "Mrr."

"It suddenly came to me that we didn't have anything to give to our guests so they could remember our special day..."

"Nrr."

"…And it _is_ going to be a day to remember, so why not send everyone away with a little souvenir? Do they give bonbonnieres in the Fire Nation traditionally?"

"Fuh."

"They do in the Water Tribes. It's expected. I can't believe I forgot about it!" The Waterbender pulled a list out from the folds of her robes. "So I made up a list of ideas…"

Zuko groaned inwardly. Not _another_ list.

"Tell me which ones you like," she said. "Candy."

"Mm."

"No? How about candles?"

Zuko said nothing.

"A maybe. Okay… soap."

"Buh."

"But it could work, if we packaged it nicely in little silk pouches with some confetti and ribbon. That way people would get something useful, too."

"Mrr nrr ff muh nuh…"

"Fine," Katara scratched soap off her list. "Whistles."

"Urh?"

"I just put that on the list for fun. You're right though, people would be blowing them all throughout the dinner, and then we'd be swamped with all kinds of weird animals." _Scratch scratch scratch._ "Poetry."

Zuko cracked an eye open questioningly.

"Not YOUR poetry. Dear gods, no." She said. "We could write something together, maybe, or have the royal bard write us something cute…"

The Firebender covered his eyes with his hand. Why couldn't Katara's ideas visit her during the daylight hours?

"…but I guess having the scribes write out 1000 copies of the poem would be torture. Still, the sentimental value would be there." She made a note on her list. "Okay, this one's a little more on the pricey side, but I think it would be fun..."

Zuko muzzily listened to his beloved rattled off half a dozen more ideas until he turned his head and finally mustered up enough energy to dismiss her. "Sure, that's great, sounds great, I love it. Can I go back to bed now?"

Katara grinned. "Oh Zuko, you're the best ever." She kissed him lightly and slipped out, closing the door softly behind her. The Fire Lord slogged back to his bed and promptly fell asleep. He had no idea what he had just agreed to, but was quickly reminded (informed) the next day when Katara plopped an armful of lacquered objects down onto his desk.

Zuko started as one of the articles, wobbling on its elliptical edge, clattered to a stop, face up. "What—?"

"Bonbonnieres, remember?" She smiled. "I said, 'Masks' and you said, 'Sure that's great.'"

Zuko gawped at the pile, dumbfounded.

"I… I…" Zuko blinked. "Did you choose these?"

"Well, I picked the final four, and Aang helped me pick this one out. I hope you don't mind; it's just that you've been so busy running the Fire Nation and all that." Her brief pout melted as she picked up one of the masks. "Isn't it a beautiful design? I only picked it because of the colours, but Aang really latched onto this one for some reason. Funny, I have the strangest feeling I've seen it before."

Zuko stared at the blue and white visage grinning back at him. It took every ounce of charm and charisma he could wring out of his anguished, writhing spirit to nod, smile, and agree with his lovely wife-to-be, while simultaneously cursing his best man and vowing to begin the hunt for the Avatar anew.

_This time._

_I'm going. _

_To kill him._

_

* * *

_**Ah... good old Bluey.**_  
_


	9. Invitations

**Note 1) "Fiery smex" comes from Jessieheart at LJ – credit goes to her for adding this to the great ATLA fandom lexicon!**

**Note 2) I stole Jun's interlude from Jakia. (Sorry Jak.) Go read Jakia's KISS THIS! – Hi-freaking-larious (and poignant, and fun, and fluffy… so much Zutara goodness!)**

**

* * *

**

**Invitations**

**

* * *

**

Scores of messenger hawks were sent to the farthest corners of the world bearing invitations to the Fire Lord's wedding. Each salutation was born on red and gold wings to their respective recipients, and RSVPs were dutifully returned with the bird to the faraway Fire Nation palace. How the hawks knew exactly who was to receive these messages, no one could say, except that it was believed the birds had an uncanny sense about their duty. It was the reason the avian emissaries had been chosen for the task.

Of course, like a certain flying bison and a certain flying lemur, the hawks were a lot smarter than they let on. They had feelings, and the arduous journey they had to make across the seas, over the land, and back left them a little bitter and underappreciated. But when they went home to roost, they would exchange stories in their own squawking tongue, about the human feeders they had visited with the Fire Lord's message.

These are some of their stories.

* * *

**Earth Kingdom: Haru's Village**

Tyro burst into the house, a crimson bird perched precariously on his massive shoulder.

"Haru, wife, we've received a letter from Katara. She's getting married!"

Haru blinked. "Married? To who?"

"Fire Lord Zuko."

The boy's face paled and he quietly left the table while Tyro and his wife eagerly wrote a reply on a bit of parchment. The hawk, carrying the return message and now bored with the old people, alighted and soared out the door after him, finding a more stable perch on a fence post next to the brooding Earthbender, his pretty features bronzed in the setting sun.

"Getting married," Haru sighed. "I thought she might come back one day to see me. I thought she liked me," he reached out to stroke the bird's glossy feathers, but the hawk snapped at his slender digits. He retracted his hand and scowled. "But she's got a prince now. A Fire Lord."

He let out another melancholy sigh, letting the wind stir his bangs. "I could have loved her. Made her happy. Now that the war is over, we could be together."

A little ball of anger welled up inside him. He stomped his foot huffily, sending a little quake through the earth. The hawk screeched in protest.

"What could that Zuko have that I don't?" Haru said. "I've never even met the guy, but I already know my hair's way better than his!"

"Haru! The rag and bone man is here! Come have a look at the ribbons he brought!" His mother called.

"Ooh, ribbons!" And the Earthbender hurried back into the house.

The hawk, utterly disgusted, took wing into the hazy gold air, heading home.

* * *

**Somewhere: A hole in the ground**

How the Fire Lord's messenger hawk found Master Jeong Jeong in his hidey-hole deep within the mountain was beyond even the Firebender's understanding.

"What do you want?" He barked at the bird. The messenger bird stood unfazed, blinking in the candlelit dimness of the cave. "Stop staring at me!" Jeong Jeong screamed. The hawk screeched in reply.

The Firebending master roughly seized the invitation, getting a nasty scratch from the bird in the process, and muttered to himself as he read the missive over.

"This could be a trick to expose me…" he muttered. "How do I know this isn't Ozai pretending to be Katara?"

"Lighten up. The war's over," Chay said over his shoulder. He enthusiastically pointed at the parchment, tipping into the old man. "Hey look! It says free food!"

Jeong Jeong glared up at his companion and let out a long, grumbling sigh. Better to be in the heart of the Fire Nation than holed up with this brain-addled cretin any longer.

* * *

**Kyoshi Island**

"A royal wedding!" The Kyoshian warrior women squealed and danced in glee within the dojo. "I can't believe they invited the entire village!"

"They'd better, after all the damage they caused," Suki grumbled. Her second-in-command, a tall, slender, sylph of a girl, kneeled by the warrior, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"Suki, what's wrong?"

"No letters. No visits. Not a damned word from him in all this time. He could have been dead and I'd never have known!" She hissed. "And he still has my spare armour!"

The second-in-command bit her cheek. "This… this is about that Yue girl we heard rumours about, isn't it?"

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT NAME!" She blasted, and the girl rocked back, recoiling from the seething leader. She hastily wrote a reply for the impatient hawk and slipped it into the oiled leather casing tied to the bird's leg. Yes, they'd be there. All of them.

**

* * *

**

**Earth Kingdom: Somewhere in the woods**

Jun extended her arm and let the hawk settle, its talons digging into her flesh. She removed the tiny scroll and read it to herself, smirking.

"So Angry Boy's getting hitched? And to a Waterbender, no less." She smiled and let out a throaty laugh. "I _so_ called it."

* * *

**Southern Water Tribe: Sokka and Katara's home **

"What is it, my love?"

"Katara's getting married to that Fire boy," Gran Gran said. "And stop calling me 'love.'"

Pakku pouted, crossing his arms. "I'm not giving up, you know."

"The answer," Gran Gran growled, "is still no."

"Then why are you still holding onto my betrothal necklace?"

"Because it keeps my neck warm!" Gran Gran stomped out of the hut to tell her son, Hakoda, the news about his daughter.

* * *

**Earth Kingdom: A Western port town**

He thought the hawk was diving in for one of his hard-earned fish, but when it opened its wings and bobbed to a stop, landing gracefully on the lip of his boat, he decided not to smack it away.

"A message for me?" He read the scroll over. "What on earth…? Why would I be invited to the Fire Lord's wedding?"

His gnarled wife stalked up and snatched the message out of his hands, scrutinizing it with her wrinkled face. "Hmph. It sounds like they're trying to make it look like they have more friends than they actually do. Give face, or some stupid something like that."

"Damn idiot weddings," the fisherman grumbled. "They'll invite anyone and everyone just so they can get a few more gifts."

The wife snorted. After a moment, she glanced over at the man. The look on her husband's lined face told her what she wanted to know. "So… we're going, aren't we?"

"Do we have a choice?" The fisherman sighed, and sent the hawk away with their reply.

* * *

**Coming soon... the return of hippies!**


	10. Minstrels

**Just a reminder: I don't own Avatar.**

* * *

**Minstrels**

* * *

"But what's wrong with the palace musicians?" Zuko asked, his voice rising to a whine as Katara led him to the Fire Lord's private concert hall.

"Oh, they're fine for all your Fire Nation shindigs, but this is our wedding! People from all the nations are going to be there, so we can't disappoint. I mean, how many songs outside of Fire Nation traditional dances do the palace musicians know?"

The Fire Lord was about to object – he was sure the royal orchestra knew lots of non-Fire songs. He'd never heard them play any. But that was beside the point!

(…The point being, he really, really didn't want to be there just now.)

"So I've got a few people lined up for auditions today," Katara extracted a list from her robes. Zuko closed his eyes and prayed to the spirits it was a short list. They heard his prayer. "Yeah, just three people."

Zuko brightened and sat on the edge of his chair, ready to accept the first act and be out of there in 5 minutes. Katara smiled at her suddenly enthusiastic fiancé and looked at her list.

"First up is 'Jee and the Waveriders.'"

"Jee?" Zuko cocked an eyebrow. Sure enough, his former lieutenant, ramrod straight and severe as ever, strode onto the stage, sitar in hand, followed by the ship's engineer who carried a drum, the Cook with an erhu, and the smooth-faced serving man with an armful of banging, clattering percussion instruments, including a triangle, a bell, a gong, and a set of cymbals.

"My lord," Jee bowed. "My lady," he smiled to Katara, who waved with a giggle.

"Since when have you found time among your duties to form a band, Jee?" Zuko said archly, crossing his arms over his chest.

Jee's sallow cheeks dusted pink. "Well, actually, we had a lot of time to practice over the, er, two years we traveled in search of the Avatar, and you never came out to music nights, so I guess you never heard us get better. Now that there's no war, I try to get gigs here and there. They don't pay a lot, but me and the band get free meals and drinks at the taverns. I talked to an agent the other night and he said—"

"Just play your song." Zuko interrupted, rubbing his forehead tiredly.

Jee grinned as the band set up. He opened, strumming wildly on his sitar as the rest beat out a fast, heavy beat.

_Sailing your blue oceans  
Riding your blue wave  
Plowing through your sea foam  
You're the only girl I crave_

_Drinking from your pond  
Bathing in your water  
Lying in the sand of your dirty, brown beach  
And your glacier is melting as my ice pick gets hotter—_

"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!" Zuko stopped the band, and their song deflated. "This is a royal wedding, not a tavern sideshow! You can't go singing lyrics like that to the crowd! There'll be children there!"

Jee blinked at him. "But your majesty, this song is quite popular."

"Among who? Sailors and tavern wenches?"

"They prefer to be called 'beverage procurement managers.'" Jee sniffed.

"Get off the stage, Jee."

Jee and the Waveriders sulkily followed their leader out. Katara smiled wanly at her fiancé. "I thought they were pretty good."

"I don't even want to _think_ about where they got the inspiration for those lyrics," Zuko pinched the bridge of his nose. "Who's next?"

Katara looked at her list. "'Gods on Earth.'"

"Sounds like a religious band." Zuko snorted.

"Bumi recommended them."

"He also recommended I borrow one of his robes for the ceremony – you know, the yellow one with the blue polka dots? Then he said we should have Flopsie as the ring-bearer, and suggest we honeymoon in his 'newly refurbished holiday suite that was once a torture chamber.'"

"He meant well."

A quartet of teenage girls clattered onto the stage, a lute, drum, harp, and bawu flute in hand. They looked shyly upon the Fire Lord, blushing and giggling. Zuko suddenly felt extremely uncomfortable. There was something odd about these girls…

Katara narrowed her eyes at the band members as they ogled her fiancé.

"Well, nice to see you… uh…" And then she noticed they all had blue arrows painted onto their forehead. Upon closer inspection, she saw each of the girls wore tunics with one of the four elemental symbols drawn on. They stood trembling on the stage under the Waterbender's cool inspection.

"So, let hear what you've got," Zuko waved. The lute player stared wide-eyed at him. She dropped her instrument and shot forward.

"OMIGOD ZUKO, I LOVE YOU!" She screamed and sprinted towards him. The other three took this as a signal, dropping their instruments and squealing as they charged the Fire Lord.

Zuko barely had time to react. He let out a frightened cry and stumbled out of his chair, tripping over himself to get away from the mob of screaming girls. Thank the gods for Katara: she bent a great sluice of water from a nearby flower pot and froze them to the spot, then gathered more water to encase all four of them in a hollow sphere of ice. Their anguished, pleading cries continued even as the guards rolled the living snow globe away, the shrieking banshees clawing at their crystal prison, reaching out for the handsome young Fire Lord.

"Zuko, we love you!" Their muffled cries sounded through the thick ice.

Zuko shuddered and turned away. "Next time, do you think you could just freeze them to death? It'd let me sleep better at night knowing there's one less thing to worry about."

"Fucking fangirls…" Katara muttered. "Okay, one last act to see and you can go. And they are… hey, it's Chong and the Nomads!"

"Who?"

And out stepped the most ridiculous looking bunch of bohemians Zuko had ever seen. Their leader, the man he could only assume was Chong, walked onto the stage, barefooted, casually strumming his lute. He was followed by a fat, effeminate man, who Chong introduced as Moku, tapping on a tiny drum; and Lily, a tall and willowy woman engrossed by her flute. Two nameless others waved and flailed about to the wayward tune, their flower garlands bouncing against their bodies. A sweet, heady, smoky aroma wafted in with them, but it did not hide the smell of unwashed bodies.

"Heeeeyyy, River Lady!" Chong pointed languidly at Katara. She waved and grinned.

"You know these… people?" Zuko asked incredulously.

"They took us through the Cave of Two Lovers," Katara explained.

"Wait, Cave of Two Lovers? I know that legend… aren't you supposed to kiss someone or something in order to find your way out?" Zuko narrowed his eyes at her. "And who, exactly, did you kiss?"

"Chong, let's hear it!" Katara insisted brightly.

"Now hold on there, River Lady. We're supposed to be here to audition for the Fire Lord's wedding party."

"You were only traveling with your brother…" Zuko reasoned out loud.

"This is the audition." Katara said firmly.

"Whoa. So _you're_ the Fire Lord?"

"…and the Avatar…" Zuko stroked his chin.

"Do I look like a Firebender to you?"

"Weeeeellll, not really. Say, where is Master Arrowhead these days?"

"…and Appa and Momo…"

"He's around. Look, could you just play your song?"

"…which leads me to believe…"

"Please Chong, we need you to play," Katara said nervously.

"Well sure… uh, maybe something exciting, like an adventure story?"

"…that you kissed someone within your group of travelers…"

"It's a wedding Chong, not a campfire."

"Well, maybe you should get a campfire at the wedding." Chong suggested. "Then we could have marshmallows. That would be _sweeeeeet_."

"…and it could only have been one person…" Zuko glared accusingly at his wife-to-be.

"Look, never mind that, just play a song! Any song!" Katara shouted.

Chong shrugged and launched into one of his boisterous two-tone ditties, his band mates joining in tunelessly.

_Flowers  
Yeah yeah yeah  
Flowers are so pretty  
Yeah yeah yeah  
Flowers make the world a better place  
Yeah yeah yeah  
Yeah yeah yeah  
Yeah yeah yeah  
Floweeeeerrrrrs! Yeah!_

They stopped abruptly and bowed. Katara clapped enthusiastically and Chong smiled up at her.

Zuko stared blankly ahead, his brain momentarily stunned into a state where it could no longer sense the musical assault.

"That was so bad it gave me indigestion." He croaked finally.

"What are you talking about? It was really good!"

The Firebender leaned forward and hissed. "Katara. They just sang about flowers. They didn't even sing about them, they just sort of talked about them and played a couple of notes and danced around like idiots. Beside, we can't hire them! They're a bunch of awful-smelling hippies!"

"So?"

"My father hates hippies. He used to set them on fire and watch them run around in circles until they stopped trying to sing the pain away. Then he'd have them healed and fixed up, and he'd do it all over again, just for kicks."

Katara frowned in thought. "Hmm. A definite drawback." She kneaded her temples. "And Azula would probably hate them, too… she told me something about a phobia she has for bohemians…"

Zuko blinked and grinned at the nomads. "You're hired."

"Excellent!" Chong said. "We'll see you two at the wedding!" The nomads danced away to a tune that sounded almost exactly like the one they'd just heard, only now they were singing:

_Hired  
Yeah yeah yeah  
Playing music is fun  
Yeah yeah yeah  
Music is good weddings and parties and good for everyone  
Yeah yeah yeah  
Yeah yeah yeah  
Yeah yeah yeah  
We'll get to eeeeeaaaaaatt…_

Zuko shuddered, but suddenly remembered what he was saying before the hippies had broke his brain with bad ballads.

"You… you went through the Cave of Two Lovers," he said slowly. "And you kissed someone, didn't you?"

Katara backed away, hurriedly explaining herself. "It was a long time ago, and it wasn't how it happened – we got out of the cave by following the glowing crystals…"

But Katara's blush could not hide the truth from the Fire Lord. He tsked in disappointment. "Oh, Katara. I thought you had better taste than that..."

The Waterbender's eyes widened.

"…Kissing Moku." Zuko shook his head in disgust.


	11. RSVPs

**

* * *

**

**RSVPs**

**

* * *

**One by one, the messenger hawks came soaring back bearing their equally heavy burdens on their legs. It was not surprising to the Fire Lord and his Waterbending fiancée that most of the replies were "yes" – after all, the invitations were from the monarch of the most powerful nation on the planet. How does one say "no" to him?

"Look, we got more!" Katara hastened into Zuko's office, a bundle of tiny scrolls in hand. Zuko looked up from his work and groaned inwardly.

"That's nice, love… why don't you bring them to the royal scribe and he can mark them down in the ledger book for the wedding?"

"Oh, but where would the fun in that be?" Katara smiled and plopped herself down in front of her beloved, dumping the scrolls on top of the document he had been reading. "This way, we get to know who's coming. And they might have written messages for us!" Zuko sighed and started unrolling the little slips of paper.

"Who's the 'Canyon Guide'?" Zuko cocked an eyebrow.

"Oh, he helped us cross the Great Divide," Katara said. "What did he say?"

* * *

"_Dear Katara and Fire Lord Zuko: _

_Hello from Omashu! Since we last saw each other, I've been living here as a canyon crawler rancher in King Bumi's service. It seems he likes large, angry, hungry creatures. I'd love to come to your wedding, though you can put me down for two instead of one – Bumi's been on a health kick lately and has been removing the skin off chicken wings again. Actually, he's been removing the top three centimeters off any piece of food and calling that 'skin'. I've been starving for nearly two months now._

_ Sincerely, The Canyon Guide."_

_

* * *

_

Zuko rolled his eyes and took up another missive, this one from the Superior at the Abbey. Katara read over his shoulder:

* * *

"_Humblest and most sincere greetings from the women of the abbey. We were delighted to hear of your impending union and all of the sisters send their blessings. We would be happy and honoured to attend. However, we must apologize for our inability to provide you a gift of any kind. Your last visit depleted a great deal of our perfume revenue, as we had to:_

_1) replace the main gates,  
2) repair the damage to the outer buildings and roofs,  
3) have a new well drilled due to destruction and contamination,  
4) replace all our perfume pots, and  
5) make up for the lost revenue in perfumes used to distract the Xirxiu monster. _

_All 30 of the sisters, including myself, are looking forward to your wedding day. _

_Yours Devoutly, Superior."_

_

* * *

_

Katara blinked. "Oh. That's right. I guess we kinda just trashed the place and left, huh?"

"I was lucky to get out of there at all," Zuko snorted. "Stupid Uncle Iroh pretended he was paralyzed while those crazy women threw me into the river. With my armour on." He made a face. "Remind me again why we're inviting them?"

"Because the Pirates need dates," Katara replied blithely, and pointed. "Look, this one's from Fire Sage Shyu."

* * *

"_To His Royal Majesty, Fire Lord Zuko, and his lovely betrothed, Katara of the Water Tribe: _

_Greetings on this momentous occasion. I would be delighted to join you on your wedding day, however, as you seem to have forgotten that I was sent to the coal mine gulag in the west, it may be difficult to arrive on time. Please forgive the short note, as I am being ordered to work faster. _

_Shyu."_

_

* * *

_"Oh dear." Katara said. "Honey, did you forget to release the political prisoners in the western gulag?"

Zuko blinked and slapped the heel of his hand against his forehead. "Damn. I knew I forgot something."

* * *


	12. Why Registries Were Invented

**

* * *

**

**Why Registries Were Invented**

**

* * *

**

"Do I really want to open this one?" Zuko moaned at the box. It was an all-too-familiar size and shape, one he had seen five times now.

Katara placed a soothing hand on her fiancé's shoulder, feeling just a little sorry for him for once. "C'mon Zuko. It couldn't be that bad."

The Fire Lord half-heartedly tore at the brightly wrapped parcel paper. He opened the box and let his hands fall to his side. His face screwed up between mirth and despair as he glimpsed the wedding gift within.

"Oh goody." He said between clenched teeth. "Another Sungi horn."

The Waterbender sighed, sagging. "_I'll_ go write the thank you card." Katara ferried the instrument away to add to the collection.

* * *


	13. Made Up

**

* * *

**

**Made Up**

**

* * *

**

"Oh, this is never going to do!" Azula harrumphed and chucked the kohl eyeliner in the trash bin. She flung up her hands. "I give up! Katara, what on earth do you use on your face? Nothing is sticking to your skin! I can't even get the concealer to blend properly, and forget about the blush. You're going to have to go au natural for the wedding."

"Is it water-based make up?" The Water girl asked, wiping her eyes with a damp towel.

The Firebending prodigy tilted her head to one side. "What?"

"Is your make up water-based, as opposed to oil-based?"

The princess thought a moment. "Yeah. Yeah, I think it is."

"Most of the make up used in the Water Tribes is oil-based, usually made from seal or whale blubber. Water-based make up will just dry and cake on me. It's a Waterbender thing."

"Eew." Azula made a face. "How can you stand to put that fatty stuff on your face? I mean, it'd stink and all. I know you're all a bunch of uncivilized heathens down there, but fat on your face? That just sounds disgusting…"

As Azula blithely blabbed on about the virtues of Fire Nation cosmetics and how advanced they were compared to the Water Tribes, Katara puckered her lips and made affirmative noises to show she was listening to her oh-so-civilized benefactor. As the Fire princess yakked on, the Waterbender silently rearranged the water-based lipstick, mascara, kohl eyeliner, eye shadow, and blush on Azula's face with a deft, gentle weaving of her slender fingers.

"…which was why I agreed to be your maid of honour in the first place. Oh, I could teach you and your people so much about beauty!" Azula sighed. Katara nodded slowly, pretending she agreed.

"Zula, do you think you could do me a favour and ask Zuko about whether he's made a decision about his over robe? I want to know whether it's going to match my fourth dress of the evening."

"Absolutely, dear. I'll be right back." Azula said brightly and sprang to her feet, not one to miss an opportunity to torment her brother with wedding details. "Toodles!" She waved and ducked out the door.

Katara smiled to herself.

* * *

Zuko was reading the same document he'd been trying to get through for the last three weeks when his sister glided in. 

"Oh broth-er deeeeaaar," she sang. "Your _darling_ fiancée wanted me to ask you about—"

"Go. Away." Zuko growled without looking up.

Azula pouted. "Really, you should treat your fiancée's maid of honour more politely. Katara was the one who sent me, after all. I just came from a make up session with her. Oh, you should hear her tell me about these blubber-based cosmetics they use in those little ice villages of theirs! I nearly killed myself laughing…"

Zuko grunted in annoyance.

"Listen 'Zula. I don't want to hear about what you think of my wife's culture. Furthermore, I have HOLY SHIT WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?"

The young Fire Lord's eyes were wide with shock, then with laughter.

"What? What are you—" She looked in a mirror.

The enraged shriek that ensued deafened Zuko for the next two hours. But the ringing in his ears was well worth the look on his sister's clownish visage.

* * *

** Quick reminder: I don't own Avatar. I hope that is painfully obvious.**


	14. Dance Lessons

**

* * *

**

**Dance Lessons**

**

* * *

**

"Okay Aang, just put you hand on my waist like this, and take my other hand."

"Uh…"

"Oh come, come. Don't tell me the Avatar is afraid of touching a girl."

Aang grimaced inwardly. It wasn't that he was afraid of touching girls. He was afraid of touching _Azula_.

"Here, like this," the Fire Princess grabbed him and pressed the palm of his left hand against the curve of her waist. She stepped closer, her chest brushing lightly against his. He could have sworn he just heard her purr.

She smirked up at him. "Now, watch my feet. Forward two steps, back two, right two, left two, and you start the pattern over again. Got it?"

"Uh…"

"Maestro," she snapped to the string quartet in the empty ballroom. The first violin nodded and the band began a sweet waltz.

Aang fumbled, unable the stop the blush rising up his neck as he took his first step forward and felt the curves of the Firebending prodigy's supple form press into him. He could sense her yellow, steely eyes on his face, watching his reaction to her as they moved haltingly about the dance floor. The more Aang thought about those curves – which Zuko's sister had been increasing swishing and swaying his way – the more he blushed, and the more he fumbled, until he finally tripped on his own feet and stumbled backwards. Azula let go and watched him land on his butt.

She huffed, squeezing her temples irately. "Aang, we have to get this right! The wedding's in a few short weeks, and we'll be expected to dance together as the maid of honour and the best man. What kind of Avatar are you that you've never learned how to dance?"

"He's the kind of Avatar that had to master all four elements in one year," Sokka appeared, arms crossed over his chest. "Cut him some slack. Fire Nation dances are hard."

Azula's scowl was replaced by a nasty smirk. "Of course they'd look that way to you. I'd forgotten you Southern Water Tribe rubes hardly have any culture where you're from. I suppose any dance would look difficult to you."

Sokka frowned. "I can so dance!" He said indignantly. "In fact, I've been getting lessons."

"From who? Uncle Iroh?"

"Among others," Sokka said proudly. "Everyone thought it would be good for training and coordination. And I've gotten pretty good at them, too."

"Wait, Sokka, are you telling me, you've been dancing?" Aang sniggered.

Sokka ignored him, his indignation focused on his soon-to-be sister-in-law. "So how about it 'Zula? Care to tango?"

The Firebender raised her chin. "You could never outdo me, peasant." She met Sokka toe to toe in the centre of the dance floor, hands on her hips, while he narrowed his eyes at her, arms still folded over his chest. Aang scuttled off the floor as Azula nodded sharply to the string quartet. They began a violent, sensual tune and Sokka roughly grabbed the princess around the waist, pressing against her. She looked shocked for a moment, but the Water Tribe warrior's face remained stoic, almost angry. The Firebender's eyes lit up, hungry for the challenge, and she threw her hands sharply up in the air.

Sokka seized her outstretched wrist and wrenched her downwards, pulling her into a deep dip, which Azula easily bent into. He brought her up just as sharply and flung her outwards, still grasping her wrist. She snapped to a stop, taking a wide stance, then tugged him forward. He smoothly stepped into the dance form and spun the princess around, hands tracing down her sides to grasp her waist, her hips thrust against his. He shoved her away and Azula splayed out on the floor, swinging one leg out and springing back to her feet to meet the Water boy as his arms circled around her form in time to the music, his face twisted into a look of intense dislike.

Aang watched fascinated as the two whirled around each other, completely unashamed of where their hands landed. A small part of the Avatar's mind reminded him that Sokka's sister and Azula's brother were getting married in a few short weeks, and was this really appropriate? But he was too enthralled by the sensual spar-dance to break it up.

Sokka lithely spun around to stand behind the Fire girl, his lips pressed against her ear as they corkscrewed their hips. Azula tore away and held the boy at arms length, one dainty finger nail trailing around the skin of his neck until he grabbed her again, spun the Firebending prodigy once and pulled her into his arms before grabbing her around the waist and lifting her above his head.

They finished the tune with a rapid and complicated set of steps, twirls and dips Aang could never hope to remember. The final, lingering note ended with Azula splayed out on the floor, Sokka standing over her.

Aang clapped and whistled, leaping to his feet. "Wow Sokka! That was awesome!"

The Water Tribe boy heard his friend faintly, but his eyes were locked on the Firebending princess below him. They were both panting hard, cheeks flushed.

"Well, princess, how was that?" he smirked.

Azula pursed her lips, her eyes flickering back and forth as she sought an excuse, a flaw in his performance. She finally sneered up at him.

"One hair out of place."

Sokka's eyes widened as he stared cross eyed at the loose lock dangling between his eyes. He roughly tucked it back and held out a hand to the Firebender.

"Again," he said.

Azula smiled nastily and took the Water boy's hand.

Aang sighed._ I guess that's the end of dance lessons for me._

* * *


	15. Season to Taste

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**Season to Taste**

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**

"Twelve courses. That's standard Fire Nation banquet fare," Zuko explained. "And we always have the same stuff at wedding dinners! Why do you have to make this so difficult and change the menu?"

"Because this is _our _wedding. Wouldn't it be nice to have something extra memorable?" Katara fluttered her lashes at her fiancé, who, once again, sighed and caved to her will.

"We'll be lucky if we even get to eat that night," Zuko grumbled as the waiter wheeled a cart of covered dishes to the table. Master Chef Susur, well known throughout the Fire Nation for his fusion cooking, came to the table, bowing to his guests.

"My lord and lady; welcome to what I hope will be a whirlwind journey for your palates," he said with a flourish as the first dish was set before them. "I understand you'll be having a variety of guests from all around the world, so I've tailored each dish and given it a fusion flare to symbolize the cross-cultural union you two are undertaking."

Sifu Susur presented the first dish, lifting the silver cover off. "Our first course is stewed sea prune flambé!" The lumpy brown concoction burst into flame: apparently, Susur was also a Firebender.

"Ooh, sea prunes!" Katara squealed in delight as the flaming goo was dished out. "Dad could eat a barrel of these things."

Zuko looked at the stew set before him skeptically. "Are… are these animals, or vegetables?"

Katara blew the flames out and delicately put a spoonful into her mouth. Zuko watched her reaction carefully before trying some himself.

He gagged.

"_That_ is the most vile, god awful—"

"It's a little bland," Katara remarked thoughtfully, chewing. "But if you're not used to sea prunes, I guess this is a good introduction."

"Thank you, milady," Susur bowed. "I had to consider the flavour quite carefully in order to make this something amateur gastronomes could appreciate."

"_This_ is a good introduction? People are going to be sick before the rest of the meal is even served!" Zuko wiped his tongue with his napkin.

"Perhaps a little more salt?" Katara mused.

"I didn't use any salt; I opted for the more delicate flavour of soy sauce instead." Susur murmured.

"It tastes the way Uncle Iroh looks naked!" Zuko exclaimed.

"Ah, that explains the extra flavour. I was wondering what that was."

"I also used a touch of cumin - something you don't get in the Water Tribes, I believe."

"My tongue feels like it's been run over a rhino's backside!"

"I think this is acceptable, Sifu. Put the sea prunes down as the first course." Katara said.

Zuko stared at the Waterbender incredulously. "My digestive tract is writhing in confusion and asking why I hate it!"

"Should I serve it with the side of seal blubber chutney?" Susur asked.

"Why aren't you listening to me?" Zuko cried.

"Sounds delicious. Next dish!" Katara wiped her mouth and Zuko buried his face in his hands before rinsing his mouth out resignedly.

The waiter set down the next platter before the couple.

"This next one is an Earth Kingdom delicacy: roast duck with platypus bear egg and chestnut stuffing," Susur lifted the silver cover and began serving. "I've given this a touch of Fire Nation flare by adding curry powder to the stuffing."

Zuko sighed in relief. He could deal with this course, at least – roast duck, platypus bear eggs, and curry were all things he was familiar with.

Katara delicately took the first bite. Her eyes bulged.

"Hot! Hot! HOT!"

"Oh, and it's garnished with fire flakes. It might be a bit spicy," Susur smiled. Katara fanned her mouth and downed a glass of water, her eyes and nose red and running.

Zuko grinned and gave the dish the thumbs up. "Put it on the menu."

* * *

**Master Chef Susur is named after a famous Toronto chef, Susur Lee. And yes, they call him Sifu (Chinese for 'master') in the kitchen. He's also my sister's hero. In case you're interested, he'll be battling on Iron Chef U.S.A. on May 30 on the Food Network (Canada).**


	16. Eloped

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* * *

**

**Eloped**

**

* * *

**"LET ME GO! LET ME GO!"

The rhino's lope jarred Katara's stomach as she struggled against her bindings, kicking. The rough sack over her head didn't let her see anything, but she knew by the warm summer sun on her back that it was still early afternoon, just one week away from her wedding day.

She focused, trying to remember what had happened. The last thing she remembered was walking through the palace, looking for Zuko so she could get his opinion on the cards for each of the place settings. Someone had grabbed her, and she remembered smelling ether…

And then she had found herself slung over a galloping rhino's saddle on her stomach. She knew it was a rhino by the distinct stench.

An unladylike belch erupted from her mouth. _Oh no…_

"Stop! Please stop! I think I'm going to throw up!" She cried out. The last thing she wanted to do was fill the sack with her head still in it.

The beast came to a sudden halt. Her captor roughly grabbed her off the saddle and set her on her feet, quickly untying the twine at her neck and pulling the bag off her head.

She doubled over and barfed. It was particularly uncomfortable doing it with her hands tied behind her. She coughed up the morning's breakfast and spat, looking up wearily. Her captor handed her a water skin.

"Drink," he said gruffly. She eyed the precious fluid, trying to think of a way to bend it without the use of her hands. She looked into her kidnapper's face once more, then realized something.

"Why… Why are you wearing a mask?" She asked stupidly.

"Drink," he repeated, and he pushed the water skin to her lips and squirted some of the sweet liquid in her mouth. Katara sputtered, but proceeded to rinse her bile-flavoured tongue then took long draughts, swallowing the cool liquid down. When she was done, she stood up once more.

"I…"

The drug in the water made her sleep the rest of the way.

* * *

When she awoke, she was lying on a thin mattress in a cool room. The late afternoon sun filtered down through a thin veil of red silk. Katara groaned, her head throbbing, a stale film coating her mouth. Her hands and feet had been unbound and she slowly sat up, getting her bearings. 

She was sitting in a large four-poster canopy bed. It wasn't anything opulent – the silk curtain seemed to have been added on as an afterthought, hastily tied to the tall bedposts. She checked herself for injuries, found none, and tentatively drew back the curtain.

The small room was sparsely furnished. A Fire Nation emblem hung on one wall. _Well, at least I'm still in the Fire Nation_, she thought. A single door in and out of the bedroom stood ajar. She looked about, hearing nothing but the chirp of birds beyond the stone walls and glass window panes. No one was around to stop her from exiting.

Katara slipped through the door, wincing at the loud creak it made. As she looked about, she realized she was in a small chapel paved with smooth, cool slate. The pews were entirely unoccupied except…

That mask.

"I see yer'wake," the gruff voice said.

"Who are you? What do you want?" She demanded, getting into a defensive stance. She wished she had her water skin, but it appeared her kidnapper had taken pains to remove all traces of bendable liquid from the premises. She couldn't sense a single drop of water in the flower vases adorning the corners.

The man in the blue and white mask leaned back, languishing. "Why, I'm yer saviour. I just saved you from a fate worse than death."

"What? What are you talking about?" She said, slowly edging towards the centre aisle. Her eyes quickly scanned the room for another exit, but the only one was straight up that path, currently flanked by her assailant.

"Marriage," the man said. "To that no good Fire Nation scum they call a prince."

Katara spluttered. "Zuko's a good man and a fine _Fire Lord_," she corrected him. "I love him!"

"Yer young yet," the man got up and approached her. "You can't know what true love is. I bet you've never even been with another man."

Katara backed away, not liking where this conversation was going. "I have my honour, and I am saving it for Zuko alone."

"Stubborn girl," he chuckled. "If I can't show you the pleasures of other men, maybe I should show you the folly of marrying a despicable, ugly murderer."

The Waterbender stood in shock, anger rising from the pit of her stomach. "How dare you! Who do you think you are to say these things? Zuko is the most honourable man I know. He has never killed without reason. He has no faults that I do not love or cannot live with, and he will always be the only one for me!"

"But he has faults," the man pointed out. "Tell me, what will happen when you are full with your first baby, swollen and untakeable, when the Fire Lord's lust arises? Ozai had a harem for such occasions. Would you tell the Fire Lord to dismiss his sire's collection of strumpets and painted women?"

Katara felt her face heat. "He… I trust him to make the right and honourable decision. What he does with the hougong is not my business."

"Not your business? You're about to become his wife – the Fire Lady born of water! Everything your husband-to-be puts his grubby little hands in will stain and soil your hands as well, from blood to other bodily fluids." She could near the sneer in his voice. "Don't tell me you've never thought about the privileges of the bedroom the Fire Lord can afford. The Fire Lady has access to them, too."

"I'm NOT interested. Who are you? What do you want?" Katara repeated angrily. "And where did you get that mask?" It was irking her just a little that her captor had insisted on wearing the same mask she was giving out as bonbonniers at the wedding. She would have to speak with the merchant to see how many he had sold in the past half a year; she didn't want to give out mass-produced crap, after all.

"I told you. I'm yer savior. I came to rescue you, and I have, but only you have the ability to free yourself." He said, completely ignoring her latter question. He pulled a pack from the pews and tossed it at her feet. "In there you'll find food and money enough to get you to the next port town. Use the money to buy passage on a ship bound for the South Pole. And don't come back."

Katara growled and kicked the pack back at him. "The only thing I'm going to do is walk back to the palace, get the guards, my brother, the Avatar, and my newly wed _husband_ to come and kick your ass up and down the coast of the Fire Nation until you can talk to the spirits. And then I'm going to freeze you in a solid block of ice and let you float off to some godforsaken field of icebergs so the penguins can peck your eyeballs out!"

The man stood affronted. "Colourful," he said stiffly. "But that's not the answer I'm looking for." He pulled a broadsword from the sheath on his back and advanced on her. "Now listen carefully. I'm giving you a chance to runaway with your life, to go home to your family and your tribe, to make a life for yourself. One without sorrow or pain. You don't belong in the Fire Nation. You're of the Water Tribe. Your pitiful excuse for a husband will lose interest in you once you start having children. The Fire Nation people will not accept you as their Queen, and your children will be considered abominations. You will live out the rest of your life as a bird in a gilded cage and you will be miserable. Now's the time to escape, before it's too late."

Katara stared at her captor, catching her wide-eyed reflection on the shining blade glinting menacingly in the wan filtered sunlight. She put her hands obstinately on her hips.

"Listen you. I didn't spend the last eight months planning out this wedding just so I could run away."

"Is that all you care about then? The trappings of a royal gala ball?" The man asked snidely.

"Of course not. I love Zuko. I fought my brother, my father, my grandmother, my teacher, and even my best friend on my decision to marry him, and I won. I even fought a little flying lemur on it!" She cried. "The world was against us, but they can't stop love."

The masked man gazed at her thoughtfully.

"That is perhaps the cheesiest thing I have ever heard," the man chortled after a long pause. "What could this Zuko possibly possess that would make you want to stay with him?"

Katara smiled.

"Honour. Kindness. Compassion. He can play the Sungi horn. He's athletic. He's a powerful bender. And he's got these _great_ abs…" She went doe-eyed for a moment, her features melting into a stupid grin. She shook herself and continued.

"He's a hero. He has weaknesses that he'll never admit, and soft spots for simple pleasures. I love the way he laughs. I love it when he smiles just for me. I want to be there to see all his triumphs and all his defeats. I want to be there to make the pain stop when he's hurting. And when I'm hurting, I don't know anyone better to soothe me."

The man stared at her silently, the blue and white mask grinning emptily.

"It's about the sex, isn't it?" he said finally.

Katara blinked, but found herself grinning in sheepish reply.

The man sighed. "Very well. My lord? Is that to your satisfaction?"

Katara wondered who he was talking to when Zuko stepped from behind a curtain, smiling.

"Well played, Captain Jee. You were very convincing." He said archly. The man bowed and slipped the mask off.

"Thank you milord. I've always wanted to enter the royal performing school."

"JEE?" Katara nearly screamed in shock. She turned on her fiancé. "ZUKO? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?"

"Isn't it obvious? I was testing you."

Katara spluttered in indignation, her face turning several shades of pink, red, blue, and purple, not unlike her many napkin samples. "You! Y-you-you- you…"

"I had to know Katara. And you had to know. Everything Jee said could happen, and you have to know what you're getting into."

The Waterbender gaped. "I knew when you asked me to marry you! I knew before you asked me! I got the same interrogation from my brother, father, grandmother, Pakku, Aang, and Momo!" She paused. "Well, not Momo, but still! Don't you think I've been through enough?"

Zuko held a hand up calmly. "Yes Katara, you have. But the war will look like playtime compared to the trials our marriage will endure. Are you prepared for that?"

The Water girl softened under the Firebender's pained look. She took his hand. "Zuko, I was ready the day you looked in my eyes and asked me to forgive you for everything you'd ever done."

He gripped her tiny palm, smiling gently. "Then marry me. Right now."

Katara's jaw slackened, and she felt her heart rise to her throat. "But… what about the wedding? And who's going to marry us?"

"Captain Jee was promoted shortly before this little escapade so he could perform the ceremony, and the real wedding will still happen." Zuko explained. "But I want us to get married now, without all the frills and pomp. I want us to be married for love, not for some crazy notion that this is political, or that we're sacrificing our hearts for the good of the four nations. I want you here, now, just you and me and a few honest words. I love you Katara. And I want you all to myself."

She gazed into those liquid gold eyes and melted. A whimper of glee escaped her lips. The noise sounded oddly like _"Squee!"_

"Yes Zuko. I love you too. And I will marry you." She blubbered, eyes brimming with tears. They embraced tightly and Zuko covered her brow with kisses. She pulled away, wiping happy tears out of her eyes, and glanced at the smiling Jee. "But… we don't have any witnesses."

"Actually, we do."

And from behind the curtain stepped a timid Earth Kingdom man in simple green and beige clothing. He tugged on his little grey goatee and removed his wool cap reverently, clutching and twisting it between his knobby hands.

"Milady," he bobbed. He cocked his head to one side. "We've met before, I think."

Katara blinked. "You… you're…"

"His cart was broken down by the side of the road." Zuko paused. "No, wait, that's a lie. I accidentally landed Appa on top of his cart and destroyed his wares. I asked him if he wouldn't mind bearing witness and he said yes. So I bought his entire stock of cabbages for the next ten years in exchange for his attendance."

The cabbage man beamed, his eyes full of stars, a stupefied grin plastered to his lined face.

"Is there anyone else behind that curtain?" Katara asked, laughing incredulously.

"We couldn't fit Appa through the door," Zuko explained. "I… er… _borrowed _him for the trip here and back. He's waiting outside."

"Would you like me to proceed?" Jee asked. The couple nodded and everyone took their places.

And so Zuko and Katara said their vows in a tiny chapel to the side of the road an hour's rhino ride from the capital and a week before their real wedding, and none were the wiser. The Fire Lord silently wished Katara would have agreed to runaway on their honeymoon right then and there to avoid the looming fiasco of their impending nuptials. But he soon realized the benefits to this arrangement as he swept his wife off her feet and carried her to the bed in the tiny bedroom.

* * *

…**And they had fiery, steamy smex. For real.**

**It ain't over yet folks. Not by a long shot. The REAL wedding has yet to happen! Stay tuned!  
**


	17. Fitting

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**Fitting**

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**

If there was one thing Azula couldn't deal with, it was people who cried.

She'd dealt with tears and blubbering sobs before, of course, but it was usually in the context of people begging for mercy.

Katara was a completely different story. Her wail wasn't that of a soul in the throes of agony, but of a ruined girl who couldn't get into her wedding gown. The water girl's morose yowl grated on the Fire princess's nerves, striking a chord deep within her hardened soul, sending a slight tremor through her being that threatened to dislodge fat, almost-sympathetic tears for the bride's ridiculous dilemma.

"I'M A FAT BALLOON!" The Waterbender cried, sobbing into her hands. The mass of white silk and gauzy crinoline lay discarded in a useless heap on the floor behind the dressing screen.

"Oh… there, there," Azula patted her shoulder awkwardly. "And you're not fat."

"I'M A PIG!" Katara howled.

Azula frowned. "Oh shut up! You're so skinny I can barely see you when you're turned to the side. You're so thin I could snap you in five different places with my pinky finger, if it weren't for the fact that I'm afraid you'll blow away in the wind. You're so light I can see through you. You make Momo look obese. Now don't go making me feel insecure about _my_ weight, or I'm going to get very, very cross."

Katara stopped crying and looked wearily into her maid of honour's pinched face, sniffling. She stared at her hands.

"What am I going to do? The tailors can't make another dress in three days!"

Azula thought hard. She picked up the dress and looked it over, shaking it out and placing it back on the hanger on the wall. She gazed at it thoughtfully, then looked at the Waterbender.

"Katara, are you _sure_ you can't get into it?" She asked.

"I tried, really I did!" she groaned, wiping her eyes. "I pulled and pulled but I couldn't get it past my shoulders! I almost dislodged my arm trying."

Azula looked again at the dress, then at the girl. "You know you haven't gained a single pound since you tried this on two weeks ago."

"I must have," Katara wailed again. "I've been so careful about what I eat, too."

Azula's lips twisted. "Believe me, you haven't gained weight."

The bride scowled. "Then why can't I get into the dress?"

The princess rolled her eyes. She turned the dress around and unhooked all the hidden fasteners along the side of the bodice. The gown yawned open wide enough to receive the bride-to-be and the groom, if necessary.

The Firebender turned, fists resting against either hip. She presented the wedding gown with a snap of the wrist, glowering fiercely at Katara, eyebrows arched.

The Water Tribe girl's face slowly went red. Her gaping mouth quickly formed an "oh." Slowly, her lips turned up in an enthusiastic grin and she leapt from her seat, tackling the Fire Nation princess in a crushing hug.

"OH ZULA! YOU'RE THE SMARTEST, BESTEST FRIEND A GIRL COULD EVER HAVE! I LOVE YOU!"

Azula grimaced in the girl's stranglehold. If there was one thing she could deal with even less than people who cried, it was people who hugged.

* * *


	18. Quartered

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**Quartered**

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Two days before the wedding, the guests began to arrive.

Arriving two days early was modest – Katara had wanted the guests to arrive at least a week early to acclimatize themselves to the warm and humid Fire Nation weather, but Zuko was well aware of the stress it would place on the palace staff, not to mention the expense of lodging so many people. So they came to a compromise, the first of many their marriage would have to endure.

The Fire Nation palace was, of course, enormous. It took a man a good forty minutes to stroll along its perimeter, and could probably house several thousand people, though it meant people would be sleeping shoulder to shoulder and the privies would be overflowing. But for some people, the palace was not big enough; nay, the whole Fire Nation was not big enough, especially when it came to escaping those you did not wish to see.

"AZULA!" Sokka cried from down the hall. He sprinted to the Fire Nation princess and stopped before her, gripping her shoulders tightly.

Azula blinked at her brother-in-law-to-be, unsure of whether she liked him holding her so fervently.

"What do you want?" she asked archly, shaking him off.

"You gotta help me! She's coming!" The Water Tribe warrior whipped his head about, looking behind and around him nervously.

"Who's coming?"

"Suki! I got a letter, and she's arriving today!" He snatched a piece of parchment out, sent via messenger hawk, and shoved it in the Firebender's face. She calmly took it and read:

* * *

_Dear Sokka,_

_I'm coming for you. I've heard some interesting things about what you've been up to and I can't WAIT to ask you about them. I've been MOONING over our next meeting. -- Suki._

_

* * *

_

"So she heard about that moon girl, huh?" Azula handed the note back, smirking.

"You have to help me. She's going to try and kill me!" Sokka pleaded.

"So you'll have a great final act as MC for the night." Azula shrugged, delighting at the boy's fear and anguish, and began to walk away. Sokka grabbed her wrist.

"Zula, you're the only one tough enough I can stand by who might intimidate Suki! I'm begging you, be my date for the evening!" Sokka dropped to his knees.

The Firebender stood in shock. She stared down at the earnest, desperate, wide-eyed face of the young – and rather fine-looking – man kneeling before her.

And she laughed.

"HAHA! Sokka, you've got to be kidding me. Why don't you ask one of my friends, like Mai, or Ty Lee? I'm sure those girls can protect you from the little Kyoshian warrior."

Sokka cringed. "Ty Lee's just too… I dunno. _Pink_." He made a face. "And Mai? Hell, she just creeps me out."

Azula snorted. "Really, why should I make YOU my date when I could have _any_ man?" She said airily and turned to leave.

Sokka gaped at his sister-in-law's back. He yelped in indignant challenge.

"Wait! You can't have _any_ man," he called. Azula stopped dead in her tracks and pivoted on her heel, glaring at him with flinty yellow eyes. Sokka gulped under the power of that blazing stare, and played his last card.

"You can't have _Aang_."

The princess' eyes narrowed and her mouth formed a horrid shape that was half snarl, half howl. "You watch you tongue, _peasant_. I _will_ capture the Avatar's eye on my brother's wedding night!"

"In that thing my sister calls a bridesmaid's dress? _Pfft._ Yeah, you'll catch his eye all right." Sokka got up of the ground and dusted himself off easily, stretching. "Along with the eye of every hog monkey in the menagerie."

The Water Tribe warrior barely dodged the electric blue fireball aimed at his head. Azula sent a devastating jet of flames at him, but two years of practicing with Fire Nation soldiers and sparring with Zuko and Aang had made the young man fast and agile. He ducked, spun, and rushed the girl, who barely had time counter his fist.

They broke apart as a pair of guards marched into view, wondering at the Fire and Water siblings' play.

"As you were!" Azula barked and they quickly marched away. She shoved Sokka away and discreetly tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear, flushing. The Water warrior wiped his brow and sniffed.

"Look, I'll make you a deal. Hang out with me for the next two days, help keep Suki away from me at the wedding, and I'll… I'll help you get Aang." He hesitated, feeling oddly like he'd just betrayed the world. Oh well.

Azula arched her shapely eyebrow, stroking her chin thoughtfully. Sokka's dark face, lined with resolve, was quickly melting into one of desperate hope.

She smiled darkly.

"Deal."

* * *

Before the Kyoshians were even settled in the myriad guest suites, Suki was marching through the halls, seeking out the Water Tribe boy who had ruined her young teenage life. In her mind, she played out her fantasy of kicking Sokka's ass up and down the coast of the Fire Nation before brutally ravaging him and leaving him naked and twitching on the sand. Such was her hunger. 

Her keen eyes darted to any flicker of blue, and her eager, nervous hands snapped her metal fans open and close. Servants and nobles alike kept out of her way, giving her a wide berth as the warrior stalked through the endless corridors of the Fire Nation palace, eyes ablaze with determination.

Eventually she found him in one of the palace gardens, reading.

"Sokka." She said with deadly quiet.

The water boy yelped and stood up, ramrod straight, dropping his scroll.

"S-S-Suki! What a lovely… uh… surprise!"

"Don't give me that. I've been hearing things about you and a certain Northern Water Tribe princess who, I might add, was apparently _already_ engaged." If Suki were a Firebender, she'd be snorting flames through her nose. "Now, _pray tell_, exactly WHAT were you doing with—"

Azula, watching the two from the shadows, chose that moment to make her grand entrance.

"Oh SOOKKKKKKAA!" She sang and pranced up to the startled water warrior. She clasped his arm and nuzzled him affectionately, batting her lashes.

Sokka gaped down at the princess. Azula smiled back toothily. A muscle in her cheek twitched.

Azula turned her glare on the Kyoshian and narrowed her eyes. "So, is _this_ Suki?" The girl's name came licking off her tongue acidly.

Suki recovered from her initial shock. Her stance widened and she growled. "Oh, so now it's a _Fire_ Princess."

Azula did not back down. "That's right. Sokka and I are in _love_, and there's nothing you can do about it!" She announced loudly. Other people strolling in the garden stopped at the Firebender's declaration and made non-committal noises, rolling their eyes. It wasn't the first time they'd heard THAT from the teenage princess before.

The Kyoshian was equally unconvinced and snorted. "Really, you should reconsider. He'll leave you for the first white-haired, moon-eyed wench he finds."

Azula, a little miffed that her acting skills were not persuading this island rube, turned up the juice.

"I LOVE Sokka!" She said staunchly, mustering as much resolve together as she could. Her brow broke into a sweat. "And I won't let you do anything to hurt him!"

Still unconvinced, Suki sneered up at the dumbstruck water boy. "Was _she_ the best you could do? Oh, how the mighty have fallen."

Azula nearly set the girl ablaze right then and there, but she could see this was not a battle to be won by fists and fire. This was a battle to see who was more threatening, more menacing, more in control of the flaccid water boy standing behind her. Admittedly, the Firebender was impressed by this non-bender warrior who simply radiated raw skill and power. But the princess was far from intimidated, and she would not back down. Besides, Azula hated to lose.

She screamed: "I. LOVE. SOKKA!" And a blood vessel somewhere in her brain exploded.

And then she grabbed Katara's brother by the collar and mashed her lips against his, branding him with her mouth, struggling as the heat within her threatened to flow into him through her hot orifice in a bile-infused love vomit.

It must have been a very long kiss, because Sokka was beating at the girl with his fists, trying very hard to pry her violent lips off so he could breath. He blinked rapidly and screamed into Azula's skull as her tongue threatened to choke him. A flailing hand brushed her chest and the princess instinctively clutched him tighter, pressing into him, causing him to gag and twitch.

Suki mouthed wordlessly, gaping like a sick fish, her face going a shade paler beneath the white make-up. Seeing the Fire Princess attack Sokka's face with such fervor reminded her of the time that amourous giant squid had strayed into the unagi's cove and tried mating with it. The village had had nightmares for weeks afterwards.

Finally, _finally_, Azula let go.

"EAAUUGHH!" Sokka wretched, doubled over.

Azula didn't look any better. She covered her mouth with a dainty hand and blinked slowly, pitching forward slightly.

"Oh… oh gods…"

She stumbled to a nearby bush and heaved up a puddle of molten fire and bits of carrot, which she never recalled eating.

Suki looked from one to the other and back. A smirk slowly spread over her lips.

"I forgive you Sokka." She said simply as the water boy dry heaved. "I'll see you at the wedding, okay?"

And Suki walked away.

* * *

**For everyone who wanted to see more Sokkula... well, that's as good as it gets in this story. Sorry! It's supposed to be funny, after all, and nothing says funny like barf!**


	19. The Big Day

**Sorry it took so long to update - I was finishing off _The Gift_, doing some manips, icons, new fanvids... aww heck, just check out my profile and all the ATLA LJ communities out there and you'll all know I've been busy feeding the fandom.**

**Meanwhile, I've just been hired by Harlequin as their new proofreader! It's a dream come true, and I think I owe the community for a good part of my editing experience. So thank you all for letting me beta your work, communicating with me about my own, and generally being very supportive. You guys all rock. I'll do my best to keep writing and doing stuff once I start work.**

**Now sit back and enjoy: because it's...  
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**The Big Day**

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The day arrived as all days do – the moon set, and the dusty silver gauze of dawn daubed the sky as the fiery sliver of the sun kissed the stars away. The great orange-gold globe slowly bloated to reveal the fierce face of Agni himself, first to smile down on the wedding day of the Fire Lord to a mighty Waterbender warrior woman.

You know, all that poetic stuff.

Katara watched the sky and mooned over the perfect space of time between night and day. She stood on the balcony of her suite in the Fire Lord's palace, having been unable to get a wink of sleep the whole night.

_The_ day had, after all, FINALLY arrived.

There were still stars in the sky when the maids entered to begin preparing the bride for the wedding – a sumptuous and thorough bath, a ruthlessly meticulous styling of her hair, and the precise application of make up would be followed by the careful donning of the twelve layers of her wedding gown. The maids continued to frown a little at the white dress – white was the colour of death in the Fire Nation, after all. Still, Zuko would not deny his beloved her traditions, and so she got to wore it, along with the half dozen other gowns Fire Nation customs dictated she would have to change into over the course of the day.

The Waterbender smiled to herself. She and Zuko were already married, yes, but this day would make their union complete. It would be the day they declared their love for each other in front of the whole world, and defy anyone who tried to get in their way.

With a gentle, sleep-deprived, but fully satisfied sigh, Katara turned from the view and went in to face the rest of her wonderful, romantic, love-filled life with Fire Lord Zuko.

* * *

In his spare bedchamber on the other side of the palace (he'd moved there for the night because Katara had insisted they couldn't risk seeing each other before the wedding), Zuko snored. 

"Nephew! Nephew WAKE UP!" Iroh shook the young man's shoulder.

"Mrrr… five more minutes…" he grumbled and stuffed the pillow over his head.

Iroh huffed and set the blankets on fire.

When the flames had been put out seconds later by an irate Fire Lord who was now fully awake, the retired general grinned.

"If I had let you sleep in any longer, Katara would have killed me!" Iroh chuckled a little nervously. His hands were uncharacteristically sweaty and he was fidgeting with the embroidered cuffs of his robe.

Still wiping soot off his hands and onto his pants, Zuko looked out the window and let forth a plaintive moan.

"It's barely dawn!" He wailed.

"You have to prepare for the wedding, or have you forgotten?" His uncle raised an eyebrow.

"What's to prepare? The wedding isn't until two hours before noon! I brush my teeth, take a shower, and my clothes are hung up over there. Seriously, I can be ready in fifteen minutes. Whatever." He yawned and plopped down onto a plush settee. He closed his eyes and folded his arms behind his head.

"But you have to do your hair and… and… uh… other things…" Iroh fumbled. "Like… um…"

"Like what?" Zuko grunted, popping one eye open.

Iroh shrugged. "Like suffer with the rest of us who have to be awake at this ungodly hour?"

Zuko stared at his uncle. He pointed to the other settee. "Five more minutes, okay?"

Iroh gratefully stumbled into the other sofa and promptly fell asleep.

* * *

Zuko stirred at the banging on his door. 

"Zuko! ZUKO!" Someone cried. The Fire Lord fell off the couch as the Avatar burst the doors open with a powerful gust of air. Half a dozen guards rushed in after him, weapons at the ready.

"Wuzzit? Is't pirates?" Iroh snorted awake. He blinked blearily around him, getting his bearings.

"Man, I've been knocking for full minute! I thought you might have been dead or something."

Zuko rubbed his eyes. "Whu… Wha' time s'it?"

Aang stared. "YOU'RE NOT READY? THE CEREMONY'S STARTING IN TEN MINUTES!"

The Firebender's eyes widened. He had never emitted a more Sokka-ish cry of terror in his life.

* * *

With the Avatar's help, the groom was ready in five minutes, with just enough time to run to the altar and catch his breath. It had been the most uncomfortable shower in his life, with Aang using Waterbending to wash the Fire Lord, and a combination of Air and Firebending to dry him off; worse yet was that the little monk was seeing him completely naked. 

"Don't worry Zuko old buddy," Aang grinned, briskly whipping the cold waves of water over the shivering Firebender. "You don't have anything I haven't seen before. Back when I lived at the temple with all the other monks, we all used to go swimming and bathing together all the time. No big."

Zuko was not flattered by this statement.

They practically flew to the enormous auditorium where the ceremony was taking place – they probably were flying with the help of Aang's Airbending – with exactly three minutes to spare.

If anyone noticed the Fire Lord's hasty entrance, they took it simply for being "fashionably late." Of course, Zuko spotted the few disapproving glares his way, Sokka's being one of them.

"Cutting it a bit close, aren't we?" The usher growled, tugging at his blue and grey dress robes. "Great start to your married life, huh?"

Iroh jogged in a second later, his cheeks flushed. "Just had to freshen up," he said, grinning sheepishly. Zuko smelled strong sake on his breath and rolled his eyes. His uncle had been having the jitters about this day for weeks now, and cold sake was the only thing that could steady his nerves.

No wonder.

A murmur punctuated by a few gasps ran through the crowd as a side door opened to reveal none other than ex-Fire Lord Ozai himself. He was wearing a clean, loose white tunic and breeches, but remained barefoot. Four Firebending guards, the best the palace had to offer, flanked Ozai on all sides, but Zuko's father was not shackled or restrained in any way. He was, however, swaying ever-so slightly, and his eyelids drooped: as instructed, the servants had doubled the dose of the drug that suppressed Firebending abilities. He wasn't entirely lucid, but he wasn't deadly now either.

Zuko regarded his father coolly. He heard a high-pitched noise to his left, and realized it was coming from his uncle's strained throat.

The guards guided the senior member of the royal family to the front bench and sat the prisoner-guest down. They took up positions around Zuko's father, keeping watchful eyes on him from all corners. The guests sitting around Ozai scooted away from him.

Ozai blearily looked up at his son.

He waved. And smiled.

And suddenly, Zuko thought he'd never been more terrified in his life.

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And then the processional began, a lovely lilting tune that Chong and The Nomads, discreetly hidden away in a niche to the side beyond the audience's sight, played with uncharacteristic sweetness. 

_Don't fall in love with the traveling girl  
She'll leave you broken-broken hearted…  
But follow your dreams and you will find  
A world where you'll never be parted…_

Everyone turned.

The doors opened, flooding the room with golden sunlight.

In came the flower girls. A dozen young girls from all the nations, arranged according to age and height, walked in two-by-two. The shortest and youngest of the girls were barely 4 years old. They clutched their tiny bouquets of cream coloured silk roses as they pattered down the long aisle. One girl picked her nose with abandon, while the other paused to pick up something shiny off the floor, causing the whole procession to pause as an adult ushered her to keep moving. She did so, as if remembering the importance of her role, but about three steps in, she began pulling up the skirt of her dress to show everyone her underwear.

Apart from the frilly lace undergarment, the fashion statement down the line of flower girls was "Look, Fire and Water, together at last!" One girl wore red and gold, while the other wore silver and blue. The more dexterous girls scattered matching flowers in their wake, leaving a carpet of blazing crimson, indigo, goldenrod, and cream petals behind them. A few commented how the symbolism was far too obvious and just a little tacky, but the dresses at least were nice on their own and could be worn again.

As the eldest and most disciplined of the flower girls demurely reached the front of the great hall, Azula came forth in all her resplendent maid-of-honour glory. The princess's downcast eyes and rosy cheeks spoke more about the humiliation she was experiencing in that craptacular bridesmaid's dress than it did about any feelings of joy or happiness she might have felt if she were human. That, or the fur collar was making her break out into rashes. Or maybe she was just suffering from the summer's intense heat. In any case, she wasn't happy, and it made Zuko feel warm and fuzzy inside as she approached the dais, her delicate brow bespangled with sweat, her slender neck crawling with hives.

The Fire Lord was suddenly glad Katara had few female friends and had decided on having only one bridesmaid; it had taken Zuko's sister an eternity to reach the front of the enormous auditorium. If she had had three or four more bridesmaids walking down that aisle, they would probably be standing there until sunset.

And the whole auditorium fell into a hush and turned as the bride and her father stepped into view.

Something in Zuko's brain broke at that moment, because when Katara stepped into view, the only thing he could see was her.

She walked toward him slowly, smiling radiantly as she flowed down the aisle on her father's arm. She was a shining vision of something something, outshining something, and looking like a something something something. Zuko's brain was too muddled by happiness to put his feelings into words, and the poetry centre of his brain had been shut off. Suffice to say, Katara looked really, really good in that ridiculously expensive white dress.

The Firebender barely registered as Hakoda stepped up to him and murmured in his ear before smilingly giving him his daughter's arm. Zuko simply gazed down into Katara's indescribably beautiful blue eyes and nearly squealed with delight.

And the ceremony began.

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A very long speech by the minister later, they got to the nut of the matter. 

"…So if anyone has any objections—"

A handful of people got to their feet, all shouting at once.

"Oh boy, here we go…" the minister groaned.

* * *

The resentful nay-sayers to the union were dispatched with post-haste by various bending methods, courtesy of the Avatar. It was really quite entertaining, Zuko thought, as his best man happily tossed a stuck-up elitist Fire Nation noble out the skylight after saying some unpleasant things about Katara and the Water Tribes in general. Heck, even Ozai seemed to approve of the Avatar's bouncing tactics, sniggering from his seat at the front. 

It might come back to haunt him later, politics and all that, but Zuko didn't care, and neither did anyone else. Fire Lord Zuko was well within his rights to eject any arrogant bastards who thought they could rain on his parade. After all, this was Zuko's wedding, too. And he wasn't going to let anyone stop him from marrying the woman he loved. Again.

"Anyone… else?" The minister asked in challenge. Aang dusted his hands off and smirked at the crowd menacingly. Azula watched him with one eyebrow arched in intrigue, her already flushed cheeks turning even rosier with lust.

* * *

"Do you have the necklace?" 

Aang handed Zuko Katara's mother's necklace. He clasped it around her neck, running his fingers over the ribbon and touching the cool stone.

Katara touched the all-too-familiar pendant, gazing up into her husband's eyes, her own brimming with tears.

"And the ring?"

It had been a compromise; Zuko had really wanted to carve his own token of love for Katara, but in the end, he had given up the arduous task and made her a plain band of gold to wear on her finger. The soft and malleable metal was much easier to work with than the hard crystals the Water Tribe used for their jewellery. All he had to do was pound the gold into submission, unlike the crystals, which required patience and a delicate carving hand. The Fire Lord didn't really have either – ten broken jewels had proven that. But Katara didn't mind: Zuko had made the ring himself. That was more than she could ask for.

He slipped the wedding band around Katara's slender finger, and she smiled.

He didn't know it now, but the plain gold band would become fashionable among young couples, especially among cross-cultural marriages. In a few decades, all other matrimonial tokens would be abandoned, but Zuko's gold band would endure.

It was only one of the many wonderful things that came of their union.

* * *

"I now pronounce you husband and wife," the minister declared. "You may—" 

Katara's veil was torn from her head and cast aside as she grabbed her husband by the collar and devoured his mouth hungrily to the sound of rapturous applause and a few retches, most of them coming from her brother.

"Ugh… flashbacks…" Sokka said, his face going a little green.

Azula wrinkled her nose and looked away, gagging. "Don't remind me."

* * *

And the next minute, the two newly-reweds were marching back down the aisle, arm-in-arm, waving and grinning and overjoyed like everyone else. As they made the long walk down the centre aisle, they were showered with rice (a Fire Nation tradition), flower petals (an Earth Kingdom custom), and blessed water (a Water Tribe ritual). Aang, who had never been to a wedding but decided to represent the Air Nomads with his own invented traditions, added a liberal amount of glittering fish scales and bison fur he had collected into the downpour of crud raining down on the happy couple. He thought his concoction looked really pretty floating through the air, until a few Firebenders discovered they were allergic to bison and sneezed long gouts of flame, setting the decorations around the auditorium on fire. 

Despite being covered with muck at the end of that long walk, Zuko and Katara were happy. They saw only each other and the life that awaited them together as Fire Lord and Lady.

Sadly, this would be the only happy, stress-free moment for the rest of the wedding day.

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**More to come! Stay tuned!**


	20. Travel & Accommodations

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**Travel & Accommodations**

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"Hello? Is anyone there?"

Azula turned. Her eyes widened in shock at the bedraggled little girl standing in the doorframe. "Omigosh, Toph? Toph, is that you?"

"Azula? I made it in time, right? Please tell me I made it in time."

The Firebending princess took the Earthbender's arm and led her friend into the reception room where the guests were enjoying pre-dinner cocktails. Before she had moved back in with her parents (and subsequently moved out again a week later after being treated like a fragile little eggshell), Toph and Azula had gotten along famously when they had met, despite having been on opposite sides for a while. After all, they were both talented benders, smarmy, competitive, and had tongues sharp as whips. It was probably a prodigy thing.

"You're in time for dinner, but I'm afraid you missed the ceremony. Gods, where have you been? The messenger hawk came back without a response. We were afraid something had happened." She picked a stray leaf out of the girl's dirty hair.

Toph bit her lip. "I can't read Zula. Not regular writing. So I had to take the message down to the village so someone could read it for me."

Azula cursed. _Sokka, you idiot, you were supposed to make that invitation in Braille!_

"When I had a message ready to send back, the hawk was gone. I guess it couldn't wait. So I had to walk here."

The Firebender did a double take. "Wait, you _walked_ from the Earth Kingdom?"

"Mostly. I don't like ostrich-horses – they're terrible on mileage." Toph took the drink Azula handed her and carefully tasted it before downing it in one gulp. "There was an earthquake at one point along the way, and I got a little lost and shook up. When I finally found the coast, I had to find a ship that could take me here, but I somehow ended up in the North Pole."

"You were at the Northern Water Tribe?"

Toph nodded. "Walking barefoot in the snow is no fun, let me tell you. So anyhow, I managed to get on another ship, but I got off at Kyoshi Island instead of the Fire Nation. Nearly lost a foot to that Unagi thing, I think. I'm not sure – it might have been an elephant koi that had tried to eat me."

"Elephant… koi…" The princess said slowly.

"So then I decided, to heck with it, I'm going to ride a rock all the way to the Fire Nation, even if it kills me. I just waited for sunset, hopped on the biggest rock I could bend, and pointed myself straight and fast across the ocean, heading west."

The princess's jaw dropped open. "But… it's a week-long boat ride from the easternmost island to Kyoshi! Toph, how did you survive that long _while bending_?"

The little girl shrugged. "Dunno. But didn't you once tell me that Iroh and Zuko survived on a raft drifting in the ocean without food or water for three weeks?"

Azula couldn't argue with that.

"Anyhow, I lost all my luggage somewhere along the way – not that I have any fashion sense being, you know, blind." She tugged at her bedraggled traveling robes.

Azula got the hint, snapping into hostess mode. "Say no more. I'll have you cleaned and prettied up before dinner, no problem."

"Thanks Zula. But one thing," she hesitated. "Could you… could you make sure I don't wear what you're wearing?"

The fire princess blinked and looked down at her puffy, frilly, lacy, furry, bow-covered bridesmaid's dress. "How…?"

Toph smiled grimly. "Hey, I may be blind, but I can sense fugly from a mile away."


	21. Seating Arrangements Reprise

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**Seating Arrangements – Reprise**

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"Name?"

_The peasant had to ask?_

"Ozai."

"Ozai… ah, father of the groom. Very nice. Congratulations."

"Thank you." He replied flatly.

"Let's see… you're at table nine. Would you mind signing the banner and guestbook first?" The young man gestured at the red satin tablecloth set out for guests to ink their names on. It was accompanied by a gilt-edged book of good wishes.

"I'll do that later," he added: "Thank you."

"Enjoy the evening." The young man at the table waved him off indifferently, talking to the next person in line. The ex-Fire Lord decided that if he ever found out who that impudent whelp was, he'd have him flayed, drawn, and quartered, then served in a pie.

Fortunately for the impudent whelp, Ozai was too happy to bother to remember.

Ozai muzzily weaved around the myriad tables, each foot carefully placing itself in front of the other while he kept his eye trained on the centerpiece that had a big number "9" on it. His table was near the front of the reception hall. He knew the servants had doubled the Firebending suppressant drug when he got up that morning, but he didn't know it would last this long, or affect him the way it was. It was like the angry, rabid tiger within him had been muzzled and bound and thrown into a soundproof cell in his chest to writhe and roar ineffectually. He watched the world as though through someone else's eyes, sensing his surroundings with numbed sight, smell, taste, touch, and hearing. His body was a slave to the drug. He could _think_ like Ozai, the indignant father of the groom who had been prisoner in his own palace dungeon for the past two years, but none of his thoughts connected to his feelings or the rest of his dangerous body. It was extremely disconcerting to the ex-Fire Lord that his mind, heart and flesh were not in sync, and it only soured his thoughts further, whipping his imprisoned soul into a turbulent froth.

For one, he felt almost _happy_ for his stupid weakling of a son. He didn't _feel_ like killing anyone, especially not his fat, lazy traitor of a brother, and certainly not his treacherous prodigy of a daughter. He didn't _feel_ like snapping the neck of the lovely bride, or beheading her kin; and even the Avatar looked like a happy little imp of a boy scooting around on that ball of air. The ex-Fire Lord blithely wondered if the Air monk would be willing to let him try that air scooter thingy too…

"Hi!" A voice called to him. "Sitting at table nine?"

Ozai hazily looked down. His feet had magically carried him to the table without even realizing it. "Uh… yeah."

"I'm Koko," the young girl smiled. "I'm from Kyoshi Island. These are my friends, but you can call them the Twinkies. What's your name?"

"Ozai," he replied shortly. He couldn't keep a stupid grin from spreading over his face. The word "Twinkies" kept playing over and over through his thoughts and as he surveyed the gaggle of giggling girls. They were dressed in frilly blue frocks, their locks curled and piled on their heads messily. Their noses were powdered, their lips painted, and a generous sprinkling of sparkles made them glisten in the warm lamplight. They looked for all the world like candied fruits. It made Ozai chuckle as he repeated the word "Twinkie" to himself.

"Well, have a seat, Mr. Ozai," Koko patted the chair next to her and the Firebender obediently sat down. The girls all shyly beamed at him, and he wondered what was so funny.

"Mr. Ozai, can I ask you a question?" One Twinkie sang coyly. He nodded dumbly.

"Um… why aren't you wearing a shirt?" Her cheeks went bright red and she hid her face. The other girls tittered and blushed and Ozai gazed back at them, unable to wipe the grin from his face.

"It's hot in the Fire Nation, and I'm a Firebender. I never wear a shirt if I can help it. My son's wedding is no exception."

"You're Zuko's _dad_?" Koko asked incredulously. "Wow. Now we know where he gets his good looks from!"

Ozai beamed. In any other state, he would have flambéd the Twinkies on the spot and eaten them for dinner. He would have hung them all upside-down by their ankles and publicly whipped them for being too cute. He would have released them into the sparring arena and set a pair of ferocious sabretooth mongoose cheetahs on them just to see which one would outlast the others, and then flambé and eat her.

But he was too damn happy at that moment to do anything but sit and smile. Instead, he laughed and basked in the girls' doe-eyed admiration.

_I think I might actually have some fun tonight,_ he mused to himself confusedly, whilst the madness within him howled and raged against its cage of drugged stupor.


	22. Reception: The Master of Ceremonies

**Just posted a set of (-ahem-) rather _mature _drabbles on Fic Haven dot org - I'll be posting the PG version here at some point, but if you need a giggle and a little titilation, check out _Zuko's Geography Lessons_ by FatefulFish (that's my smut name).  
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**Reception: Master of Ceremonies**

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The dining hall was packed, a hundred round tables elegantly draped in red and gold linen with silver napkins, crystal, silver cutlery, and the finest arrangement of roses, lilies and baby's breath in the centrepieces. Silk standards in blues, greens, reds, and silvers fluttered in the slight stirring of the thousand and forty-eight gasps and sharp intakes of breath as the guests marvelled at the reception hall's beauty.

The bride and groom were whisked in to thunderous applause. The Fire and Waterbender smiled and waved as they made their way up to the front of the room, wedding party in tow, while holding a private conversation.

"Are you certain this was a good idea?" Zuko asked his wife.

"Too late to back out of it now," Katara smiled tightly as they sat down at the head reception table. They both turned to the subject of their concern and forced their smiles to remain bright.

"Good evening ladies and germs!" Sokka called out to the crowd. With the aid of Aang's Airbending, the Water Tribe warrior's tiny voice was carried to all one thousand and forty-eight pairs of ears. The audience settled down. No one laughed.

Undaunted, Sokka, master of ceremonies, continued. "Welcome to Fire Lord Zuko's wedding reception. Did everyone remember to visit the open bar?"

A murmur of assent trickled throughout the crowd, punctuated by a few hearty "Ayes" and "Arrrs" from the pirate table.

"I'm Sokka of the Southern Water Tribe, your MC tonight. The lovely bride there is my sister, making Zuko my brother-in-law. Crazy, isn't it? But I just know he'll be as good a husband to my little sister as he'll be a leader of the Fire Nation. Huh? Yeah, give them both a round of applause!"

A weak smatter was followed by profound silence.

"It's funny; when I first met Zuko, I thought he was a psychotic, arrogant, stuck up Fire Nation royal who had issues with his father. Turns out I was right!"

Aang laughed out loud, along with a few others. Zuko cringed and started taking names. _Azula, Mai, the Pirate Captain, Uncle Iroh…_

"But then, when my little sister told me she was in love, boy was I ever in for a shock. It seems like only yesterday that she was still wetting her bed. In fact, I think it was."

"Sokka! That was a bending accident!" Katara hissed over the riotous laughter and catcalls. Then _she_ started taking names: _Gran Gran, Dad, Aang, Zuko…_

He went on. "Of course, when they asked me to MC, I couldn't say no. I mean, when you have a temperamental master Waterbender and an even more temperamental Firebender asking you for anything, you'd _better_ say yes!"

Vigorous agreement in the form of yells, cheers, and table-banging erupted from many of the guests, most of them Zuko's old crew. The Fire Lord shot them all a devastating glower, but they were all too drunk to notice.

"So I'm here to keep you all entertained this evening between courses. I've got some wild games, and a few jokes and tricks for you all throughout the night, and even a few performances by special guests.

"Now I have a few rules, so listen carefully. If you want to see the bride and groom kiss—" the room began a clamorous banging and clinking of their dinnerware; the cacophony died as Sokka calmed everyone down "—Like I was saying, if you want to see them kiss, come up here and pull a slip of paper from this bag. Some of the slips will direct the couple to kiss. Other slips will have something _you_ have to do, like sing a song, or act out a play. It's the risk you run if you want to see them kiss! And trust me, as someone who had to put up with it for the past two years, you don't want to see these two make out!"

Someone shouted: "Make them use tongue!"

"No more wine for you, Bumi!" Sokka shouted back archly.

"Anyhow, before our wonderful waiters bring out the first course, I'm going to tell you a joke. Are there any children in the audience? No, Aang, you don't count. Okay, good, I'll tell the adult version of the joke.

"An Earthbender, a Waterbender, and a Firebender walk into a tavern. The bartender, a buxom young Airbender maiden with huge—"

Sokka was tackled to the ground.

"Enjoy the first course, people," Zuko muttered, dusting his robes off as he hauled his brother-in-law off by the collar for a stern lecture on jokes you don't tell to an audience from all four corners of the globe at the Fire Lord's wedding reception.

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**I tried to write the rest of Sokka's joke. I really did.** **But the punchline just wasn't up to snuff.  
Challenge: If you can finish the three-benders-walk-into-a-bar joke, send it in and I'll make you an icon or a drabble!**


	23. Reception: Now THAT'S Entertainment!

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**Now THAT'S Entertainment!**

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**"Heya heya heya, ladies and germs!" Sokka called out. "I have some awesome news for you all – we've got celebrities here with us today, and one of them has just pulled a slip out of my bag o' fun. Everyone, I'm honoured and proud to introduce one of the Earth Kingdom's finest tournament benders: THE BOULDER!"

If Ozai was shirtless, then he looked like he was wearing a parka compared to the enormous half-naked man striding up to the dais. The man was entirely muscle – there simply couldn't have been any room in that physique for bones or internal organs. He grinned broadly, flexing and roaring as he waved to his fans.

Evidently, people knew who The Boulder was: a raucous cheer arose, consisting mainly of young males hooting and chanting, "Boul-der! Boul-der! BOUL-DER!"

Of course, the Boulder didn't have just male fans – a few females, who had never laid eyes upon the mass of manly oiled muscles, started shrieking and blubbering stupidly as the Boulder arched a strong, shapely eyebrow in their direction. A few of the older women fanned themselves languidly.

Sokka gleefully shook the Earthbender's hand and gestured him up to the stage next to him. "So, Boulder, you wanted to see the bride and groom kiss, but you pulled _this_ slip instead." The water boy dangled the piece of paper up teasingly, waggling his eyebrows.

"_The Boulder_ is not afraid of any challenge! _The Boulder_ WILL defeat this puny piece of paper and watch the groom SUCK FACE!" Boulder growled and made his bulging pectoral muscles dance.

Katara started giggling. Zuko promptly covered her eyes.

"Well, Boulder, you didn't pick the 'kiss' slip. You picked—" he presented the tag "—KARAOKE!"

"_The Boulder_ DOESN'T sing." Boulder growled. "_The Boulder_ will instead do what he does best."

"Hey! This is _my_ stage!" Sokka protested. The huge man loomed over him menacingly, frowning, and the water boy shrank back. "Eep."

Boulder's voice boomed as he shouted melodramatically at the rapt audience: "_The Boulder_ challenges anyone in this room to an arm wrestle. Whoever beats _The Boulder _will win this Earth Kingdom arm wrestling belt!" The Earthbender pointed at the huge jeweled belt around his waist, the buckle a pair of hand locked in a fierce struggle.

The crowd shuffled, murmuring in interest. A dozen men and boys raced to the front and clambered onto the stage to join the lineup and meet their hero, who sat at a table quickly set up for the challenge. Each challenger set his elbow onto the table and gripped the bender's hammy hand. Boulder yawningly held each man's grip perpendicular to the flat plane for a few seconds before slamming it down hard, laughing heartily as the defeated slumped away clutching his bruised arm.

"What a jerk," Katara whispered after about five minutes of watching more than two dozen defeated guests slink away. "There must be someone here who can show him up. He'd be a real hero."

Zuko stood up. "Let me try."

"Are you nuts? He'll break you!" The Waterbender hissed.

Her husband glowered down at her. Now he _had_ to man up to the challenge.

"Oh c'mon. I defeated my father. How bad could this guy be?"

Thirty seconds later, Zuko came crawling back to the table, whimpering. "I think he broke my wrist."

Katara kissed him on the cheek. "Well, you tried. It's not a bending tournament, anyhow, otherwise Toph or Bumi would have kicked his ass. This guy is all muscles and nothing else, probably. I guess there's no one who can beat him."

Zuko suddenly had a thought. "Jun! Where's Jun?"

Katara raised an eyebrow. "The bounty huntress with the ugly tongue monster?"

"She's amazing Katara. I saw her take out a guy twice her size. She could totally beat Boulder. C'mon, anyone here see Jun?" He called to the crowd.

Slowly but surely, the tall, sultry bounty huntress emerged at the Fire Lord's command. She was wearing an elegant black evening gown and long black satin gloves, her hair piled neatly on top of her head. A few wolf calls and whistles followed in her wake as the stunning woman climbed up onto the stage. Katara swallowed down a hot lump of jealousy as Zuko greeted her smilingly, going as far as to _hug_ her genially.

_He never hugs _anyone, she thought in alarm.

"What do you think Jun? Think you can take Boulder on?" The Fire Lord asked.

"Of course I could." The woman rolled her eyes, tossing her hair. "But I don't want to."

Zuko was taken aback. "What? Why?"

"The Boulder is glad to see you too, Jun," Boulder said, standing, suddenly very serious.

Jun narrowed her eyes and looked away, sneering in disgust. "We dated for a while. A very _short _while. And let me tell you, listening to a guy refer to himself in third person gets really old really quickly."

Sokka and several other young men gaped on the side.

Zuko piped up. "Tell you what. If you defeat Boulder in an arm wrestle, I'll give you your weight in silver."

"Gold." Jun countered evenly.

"I'm not made of money," Zuko chuckled.

Jun stroked her chin. "You know what? Money's not what I had in mind anyways. Give me a kiss, and we'll call it even."

Katara choked on her drink and the crowd uttered a collective gasp. _Scandal!_ But Zuko seemed at ease, looking entirely too comfortable with this indecent proposal. He smirked.

"Okay. That is, _if_ you win."

Jun mirrored his haughty look, puckering her lips and she stripped off her gloves. "Get ready to pay up, Angry Boy." She settled down in front of her old boyfriend and glared at him as she took his enormous hand. "No funny stuff, Boulder, or you'll be visiting with my Xirxiu's tongue."

"There's only one tongue _The Boulder_ wants to visit, and that would be y—OOF!"

Jun slammed the bender's arm down hard, nearly wrenching it out of his shoulder socket.

"_The Boulder_ wasn't ready! _The Boulder_ calls a do-over!" He cried indignantly, shaking his crippled hand and hissing in pain. But Jun was already slipping her gloves back on to the sound of thunderous applause.

Katara's jaw swung open. Not only had she witnessed this slender woman nearly crush the giant man's hand, but now she was about to claim a kiss from her newlywed husband!

Zuko folded his arms over his chest. "Oh. So you won."

"That's right."

Katara found herself standing, ready to tear this woman off her Firebending hotty. But instead of reaching for the Fire Lord, Jun took two steps toward her, placed both palms softly against her cheeks, and kissed the Waterbender.

The bride was too stunned to react. All she felt was the soft lips retreating, leaving behind a soft sucking sound that would ring in her ears for the rest of her life.

Jun pulled away, stroking Katara's cheek once with her thumb, smirking, and turned to the groom. "Mmm. _Definitely_ way too pretty for you."

Zuko nodded once, his eyes glittering with bemusement (and possibly arousal, Katara thought hollowly), as Jun went back to her seat, leaving the stunned audience to process the moment.

The Boulder quietly slipped off the stage, muttering something about being in his bunk. In fact, all the males in the room were now shifting uncomfortably in their seats.

Sokka tugged at his collar unsure of how he should react – Katara was his sister, after all.

"Uh, yeah, so thanks for that Boulder. Thanks Jun. Yeah. Next course guys. And, uh, everyone… take five for a cold shower."

Katara sat back down, brain broken.

"Zuko…" she managed, touching her swollen lips.

"Yes dear?"

"What… what _else_ do you know about this Jun, exactly?"

Zuko smiled, stroking her hair comfortingly. "Let's just say… she bends both ways."


	24. Reception: Charity

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**Reception: Charity**

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"Good evening again, ladies and gentle germs!" Sokka hollered. "It's time now for a very special part of the dinner. We'd like to auction off a few of our most eligible guests now to raise funds for the Orphans of War charity. If you'd like to offer yourself up, come and see me. It's for a good cause, so come on up!"

A few bodies were urged out of their seats; some were dragged, others raced up to the stage willingly. Sokka smirked down at the volunteers and made them each fill out a card and hand it back to him. After a few minutes, the MC had his auction fodder.

"Wow, guys, this is great, just awesome. Okay everyone! I've got a great line-up here! First up, we've got… Hahn of the Northern Water Tribe!"

The young man strutted up to the stage and waved charismatically to the crowd. A few girls tittered, and Sokka didn't bother to hide the way his eyes rolled. He looked down at the card and read:

"Hahn enjoys ice fishing, seal clubbing, and sharpening axes. When he's not making muscles at himself in front of the mirror, he's acting like an arrogant bastard and trying to get in cahoots with people who are way better than him. Let's start the bidding at two copper pieces."

"Hey!" The young man tossed his thick hair out of his eyes and stuck his jaw out at Sokka. "I'm worth way more than that!"

Sokka ignored him. "Two coppers? Anyone? C'mon, it's for a good cause people! Anyone? Okay, one copper. Do I hear one?"

"One!" A voice called.

"I have one copper! One copper for the jerk without a soul. Do I hear any more bids? Going once, going twice: SOLD! Hahn goes to Aunt Wu!"

There was a smatter of applause as Hahn descended the steps and despondently linked arms with the elderly woman. She slapped his bottom and he yelped. The fortuneteller beamed at him.

"I see great things for you," she winked.

Sokka shuddered and looked away at the next card in his hand. "Next up we've got… oh boy, this'll be interesting… Jet!"

The lanky young freedom fighter swaggered onto the stage, chewing his signature stalk of grass. He winked and made finger guns at the prettier girls in the reception halls. Sokka stuck his tongue out and blandly read the card.

"Jet enjoys… oh what a load of… 'puppies and kitties and saving sweet furry animals.'" The Water Tribe warrior scowled. "Jet, the last time we saw you, you tried to drown a whole village of Earth Kingdom citizens!"

"And Fire Nation soldiers. Don't forget them." Jet pointed out.

Sokka slammed his palm into his forehead. "Why were you even invited to the wedding?" He cried.

Jet shrugged. "For kicks?"

The water boy stared at him in deadpan. "Let's start the bidding at half a copper."

"One!"

"Five!"

"Ten!"

Sokka gaped. "I have ten coppers for the self-deluded jackass. Do I hear any more bids?"

"Fifteen!"

"Twenty!"

"Whoa, I think we have a bidding war going on now, folks."

"Twenty five!"

"Fifty!"

"Two silvers!"

"Five silvers!"

"Five silvers for the egotistical grass addict with a god complex! Going once! Going twice! SOLD to the melon lady!"

The stout bandied-legged Earth Kingdom woman hopped up and whooped, waddling to the stage as Jet backed away fearfully. She coughed up the money, pouring five shiny coins into Sokka's hands before claiming her prize.

"Let me squeeze and shake you, young man! I want to see if you're RIPE!" She chuckled.

Jet squawked in terror and dashed away, followed patiently by his laughing, mono-browed owner.

Sokka smirked. "I've got one more, folks, and he's special. You all know him, you all love him… let's hear it for Avatar Aang!"

A chorus of shrill cries arose. A man at one of the Kyoshi tables screamed and flailed, waving his arms wildly, foaming at the mouth, until he passed out on the floor, twitching from his fit of excitement.

"Uh, yeah… clean up, aisle one," Sokka called to the servants, who promptly mopped the man off the ground. Aang sidled up to his friend on stage, grinning shyly at the audience.

"Well, I don't need to tell you much about my best friend here. I'm sure you all know he's saved the world, plus he's single, so let's start the bidding at, say, five silvers?"

"Five silvers!"

"Ten!"

"Twenty!"

"Fifty silvers!"

"One hundred _gold _pieces." Came a smooth voice. All eyes turned to Ozai, who sat calmly picking his teeth. Zuko and Katara stared at the man incredulously.

"What? Can't a father get his son a wedding gift? The one thing he's always wanted but could never get himself?" The ex-Fire Lord grinned up at his son. "Or maybe I should just give the Avatar to my new friends here. It seems they would be _so_ much more grateful." He smiled toothily, indicating his new posse: the screaming mob of Kyoshian Twinkies.

A blood vessel at Zuko's temple pulsed, the look in his eyes cold and dark. Who knew Firebenders could get so chilly?

Sokka cleared his throat. "Right. One hundred gold pieces for the Avatar from… er… ex-Fire Lord Ozai. Any more bids?"

"One hundred and one." Katara said evenly. She glared at her father-in-law in challenge.

"Uh… the _bride_ bids one-oh-one." Sokka said uneasily. "Do I hear one hundred and two?"

"Two hundred gold pieces." Azula barked, slamming her palm down on the table. She looked at her brother-in-law pointedly. "End the auction now, Sokka."

"Sold to Princess Azula for two hundred gold pieces! The Orphans of War charity thanks all of you for their generous donations." Sokka declared hurriedly and jumped back to his seat to hide behind a plate piled high with food.

The stunned applause was underwhelming.

Azula triumphantly snagged the baffled Aang by the arm and pulled him back to her seat at the end of the head table. She pushed him into her chair, slid onto his lap, and shot challenging looks at both her disapproving father and her incredulous sister-in-law as she wrapped a slender arm around the monk's shoulders possessively. Aang whimpered and looked to Sokka for help, but the water boy was avoiding his "help me!" gaze. He had paid his debt to the Fire princess, as promised when she helped save him from Suki. Aang would have to save himself this time.

And as the next course was served, Zuko looked from his tight-lipped wife, to his brooding father, to his smirking sister, to the nervous Avatar. He ran a palm over his face and sighed.

_My life is about to get very, very awkward..._


	25. Three Benders Walk Into a Bar

**I got a few good entries for Sokka's "Three Benders Walk Into a Bar" joke, but these two stood out. Rashaka and another author who wished to remain anonymous left entries for me to work into the series. In return, they got drabbles, now available in my Drabble collection, _Drabbletar: the Fast Entrybender_.**

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**Three Benders Walk Into a Bar…**

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They would have met each other at some point; just three old guys having a few, milling about between courses, walking from table to table to say hello. They vaguely knew each other, either through infamy, introduction, or by the wanted posters the Fire Lord had forgotten to have removed all over the world. In any case, the three somehow managed to converge and strike up a conversation.

"It's too bad Sokka didn't get to finish that joke," Bumi chuckled. "I do love a good joke."

"Jokes are for morons," Jeong Jeong muttered, more to his drink (a Sex on the Beach with a fruit kebab in it) than to either of the men that had somehow managed to latch onto him.

"Admittedly, I do like to laugh now and again," Master Pakku smirked. "especially at other people's expense. Won't you regale us with a few funnies, your Majesty?"

(Somewhere, someone was emphatically waving Pakku off.)

Bumi's manic grin widened. "The version of the 'three benders' joke I know is known as the _Rashaka_ version," he said, and began:

"In a fanfic, three benders walked into a bar…" Bumi paused for dramatic effect. His audience waited expectantly.

"…You'd think the Metalbender would've known better."

Silence fell. Someone in the distance coughed.

Jeong Jeong's face puckered. "What's a fanfic?"

"Metalbender?" Pakku rubbed his chin in thought. "Is there even such a thing?"

Bumi looked crestfallen. "My mom thought it was funny."

Pakku's face relaxed into a languid simper as he took another gulp of his gin and tonic. "Wait, wait, I have one for you.

"An Earthbender, a Waterbender, and a Firebender walk into a bar. They look at each other… and then walk out again."

Bumi contemplated the punch line. "That happened to me once, actually."

"JOKES?" The little gathering was jolted by Jeong Jeong's sudden bark. "What do you know of jokes? If a comedian lives all his life telling jokes, does he know what the punch line will always be?"

Wide eyes, green and blue, blinked at the Firebender. "Uh…well… yeah. We should hope so…" Bumi looked a little uncomfortable. For once, there was someone in the room who was crazier than he was.

"Ah! I just remembered the joke!" Pakku rubbed his hands together gleefully. Jeong Jeong continued to mutter to his cocktail about the destiny of running gags and slapstick humour. "This is a version someone told me… I can't say who, because his wife doesn't like him telling these kinds of jokes.

"An Earthbender, a Waterbender, and a Firebender walk into a bar. The bartender, a young Airbender maiden with huge—" here, he paused "…er…beer jugs… asks them what they would like to drink. The three order a round and then set about admiring the young woman. They quickly fall into an argument about who can seduce the beautiful bartender.

"The Firebender gets up and walks to the girl and says: 'How about a hot time with me?' The Airbender laughs and sends the Firebender careening back into his seat with an air ball.

"The Earthbender snickers and then gets up to have a try. He walks up to the girl and says: 'You want something _rock hard_?' The Airbending girl looks at him and then sends him back into his chair...violently.

"Finally, the Waterbender shakes his head at the two unsuccessful suitors and, taking a large draft of his drink, walks up to the girl. The other two watch in fascination as the Waterbender grabs the girl and forcefully kisses her. The Airbender's eyes widen with shock at the forwardness of the Waterbender, and the two other would-be suitors get ready to welcome back their friend, but the girl slowly relaxes and seems to really enjoy the kiss. Afterwards, the Waterbender whispers something into the girl's ear and with a blush she nods and takes his arm.

"The other two benders stand there in shock as the Waterbender starts to leave with the girl. Finally, one of them grabs the Waterbender by the arm and asks: 'What did you say to her?'

"The Waterbender looks back at them and says: 'Just imagine what I can do with a whole bathtub full of water.'"

Jeong Jeong, mid-sip, snorted Sex of the Beach out his nose. Bumi cackled wickedly and wiped tears from his eyes.

Another laugh, low and liquid and dripping with sensuality, pealed just over the men's shoulders. They turned and saw the bounty huntress, Jun, laughing daintily into her elegant black-gloved hand. She smiled and winked at Pakku before sliding away into the crowd.

It was a miracle the three dirty old men managed to pant only _a little_.

"So…" Bumi intoned breathily, "Just what CAN you do with a bathtub full of water?"


	26. A Toast I: by the Maid of Honour

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**A Toast: by The Maid of Honour**

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"I'm not much for grand speeches, unless they're being used to unnerve or intimidate other people, so I'll keep this short.

"I met Katara briefly when she and my brother were still at odds: Zuzu was in exile, still chasing the Avatar, and she was wiping his bottom. The Avatar's, not my brother's.

"I don't know how or why they got together: he probably walked in on her while she was bathing or something, or kidnapped her to use as bait, and fell in love with her in the process. Whatever it was, Zuzu had fallen, and he fell hard.

"When I found out they were together, I thought, well heck, if the boy wants to further his own misery, so be it. But instead, he got all serious...-er, and decided to join forces with the good guys and take down daddy. And then he managed to wrangle me into it somehow. I think I was drunk that night, I don't know. And then we all lived happily ever after… except for the fact that he still hasn't made good on his offer to make me co-ruler. When are you going to do that anyways, bro?

"Anyhow… what was I saying? -hic- Excuse me. Oh, right Katara. She asked me to be her maid of honour because frankly, there aren't many other candidates for the job. Something about Toph being too much of a tomboy—

"Hey! Who threw that rock? Don't you know I'm the frickin' maid of honour here? And the princess! Don't you frickin' forget that, eh?

"Anyhow, I said yes. Because you know what they say about the bridesmaids—they get all the tail. So if anyone needs me, I'll be in the coatroom for most of the evening. I mean you, Aang. And that tall fellow earlier with the grass in his mouth? Where are ya' handsome?

"Right, what was I saying? Boy Katara, are you so sure that open bar was a good idea? I can barely…I… wait a second…

"…Are… are those… HIPPIES?"

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**Reader: That wasn't that funny. And was Azula, like, drunk or something?  
Me: ...Yeah... she's a total lush. And if you didn't get the joke Pakku told last chapter, "taking a draft" means to take a big gulp of a liquid. That ought to explain the joke a little better. Of course, it helps to have a dirty mind.  
Reader: ...okay... but this chapter still isn't funny.  
Me: Oh yeah? Why don't YOU try writing a Maid of Honour speech? I mean it! Try it!** (and I'll make you an icon or drabble if you make me laugh.) 


	27. A Toast II: by the Best Man

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**A Toast: by The Best Man**

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"Hi everyone. I'm Aang. The… uh… Avatar.

"Please, please stop cheering. Oh, my, yes, thank you, those are very nice, but please keep in mind this is a family event, ma'am, and there are children here. You can put your...er..._twins _away now. Yeah. Thanks.

-_Ahem_-

"I'm here tonight because my bestest buddy in the world – next to Appa and Momo… and Sokka... and Toph... and all the people who have been dead for a hundred years – is marrying my best gal pal, Katara. Yup. We've all been together for, what, two years? Three? So one day he popped the question, and she said yes, and I was really happy for them. Really. So happy I cried, in fact. In joy. Yup.

"And then Zuko asked me to be his best man, and I was like, whoa, this is ironic, considering he was chasing me all over the world practically, and trying to catch me or kill me all the time. Of course, there was that one time he… you know what? I can't tell you that story. Sorry.

"Zuko's the bestest friend anyone could ever have. Why are you all laughing? It's true. He's loyal to a fault, beats up on anyone who insults your honour, and when you're feeling down, he makes you feel better by telling you about how crappy his life has been. I mean, how good a friend is that? So of course I said yes to being his best man. I mean, wouldn't you?

"I just know he'll make Katara happy. I've known her a long time now, it seems, and really, Zuko doesn't have a choice. He has to make her happy. Or I will become very, very angry.

"And no one likes an angry Avatar.

"So here's to you and Katara and Zuko: may your love and life be long and lasting and your cups overflow with joy and happiness.

"Or else.

"Cheers!"

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**If Aang can write a Best Man's speech, so can you! Make me laugh and you get a drabble/icon.** (Dance, monkeys!) 


	28. Dance Lessons Reprise

**Wow. So I got a whole spate of speeches from reviewers... and they were all great. Check out the reviews if you wanna see how other authors would toast the happy couple. I know I promised icons/drabbles to anyone who made me laugh, but if I did that, I'd be writing/maniping to the end of days...**

**I do have something else in mind, though, so stay tuned!**

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**Dance Lessons: Reprise**

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"Hey, hey, hey, ladies and germs!" Sokka's overused greeting got almost no response this time. "We've got another special little performance for you all. Now, traditionally in the Water Tribe, the bride and groom share their first dance at the end of the night, while the Fire Nation has it in the beginning."

An audible groan arose from the crowd. Apparently, the custom was as boring as it sounded. "However, since this is a fusion wedding, we decided to bunk tradition and have the best man and maid of honour perform the traditional Fire Nation tango for us instead!"

A shrill chorus of hoots and whistles arose, mostly from members the Fire Nation. Everyone else looked perplexed. Sokka smirked.

"For those of you who don't know much about Fire Nation dancing, the tango is, how do I put this…" Sokka tapped his chin lightly, "…not suitable for younger viewers."

Aang nervously excused himself, edging away from the head table. Azula, who had suddenly sobered up for her grand performance, shot him an outraged look.

"Don't you dare walk out on me, you jelly-legged coward!" She snapped.

Aang tensed, eyes shifting. "Azula, I can't…" he hissed. "I… I'm…"

"Spit it out you useless but devilishly charismatic world saviour!" The princess snarled.

Aang fumbled. "I… I'm—"

"Freezing up."

The wedding party turned. Toph was ascending the stage, hands locked behind her back, looking smugly confident as she approached. Aang blinked: he hadn't seen his Earthbending teacher for almost a year. The once stubby-looking girl had grown and filled out some. Her pudgy hands and dwarfish feet were now proportionate, her neck and face elongated, slender and smooth. Her ebony hair, once a frowsy mess of bangs, had been combed to glossiness, and was styled in a simple of elegant up-do of small braids twined with tiny sparkling gems. She looked swanlike in Azula's borrowed gown of gold and ivory. The green sash tied around her narrow waist outlined her budding figure. The servants the princess had set upon the travel-weary Earth Kingdom hero had done a good job: she didn't look _anything_ like the tomboy the princess had marked her as.

Of course, all Aang saw was that she was _hot_.

He found himself standing in front of her, bowing at the waist to show respect to his sifu. He fumbled for words of greeting.

"Uh… Master… Uh… Sifu…Toph!… I didn't think you'd show up—"

She bluntly held up her hand, cutting him off. "Don't try to fancy talk your way around this, Twinkle Toes. You have a dance to perform and a promise to keep. If you walk away, it'll be just like when you first started to learn Earthbending. Face this head-on, Student Aang! You're the Avatar, for spirits' sake! Couldn't you show just a little spine?"

Aang flushed as the wedding guests tittered. Of course, with so many of them, it sounded more like a roar of wild laughter.

Shoulders hunched in mortification, the monk whispered, "I can't… I tried, I really did, but then…"

"Enough excuses. You're going to dance." She said decisively. Toph turned and pointed at the maid of honour. "Azula, I still owe you for that tomboy remark earlier. How would you like to give our guests some _real_ entertainment?"

The Fire princess was instantly intrigued. The Earthbender had always been a source of good challenges for her. "What do you have in mind?"

"I hear Sokka's pretty good on the dance floor: you two partner up, and I'll have Twinkle Toes live up to his name and dance circles around you in five minutes flat."

Aang jumped. "No, Toph, you don't have to—"

"Are you telling me you actually _know_ how to dance the Fire Nation tango?" Azula raised an eyebrow.

Toph tossed her bangs, sneering. "I have the richest parents in the Earth Kingdom. I had dance lessons like you wouldn't believe. I still have no idea where my parents expected me to use those skills, seeing as they barely acknowledge my existence to the outside world... but never mind that."

Sokka interjected. "No offense, Toph, but Aang really does have two left feet, and I've been practicing this dance for months now. You two wouldn't stand a chance of beating us."

"Hey!" Aang exclaimed indignantly.

Toph's clouded eyes narrowed. "Okay, let's make a wager then. Best performance gets to keep Aang on her arm for the rest of the night. Zuko and Katara can judge."

Aang yelped. "Why is everyone treating me like I'm some kind of prize to be won? I'm a human being! Why won't you listen to me?"

Sokka raised a hand in question. "Uh… so what do_ I_ get if we win?"

But the girls' old rivalry had been rekindled, and it would be carried to its conclusion. Anyone who happened to get drawn into the competition could only be blamed for not being fast enough to dodge the draft. So Sokka would, like everyone else, get nothing out of this.

"Deal," Azula grinned, and she and Toph shook on it.

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After a minute to confer with their partners, the contestants to this new game decided the "amateurs" should go first. Toph grinned mischievously.

"Could someone be kind enough to pass me my purse?" She fluttered her eyelashes coyly at the sea of guests. Someone came running down the aisle, clutching the Earthbender's green silk satchel. The boy handed it up to her enthusiastically. Aang stared down at him: it was Haru.

"Good luck, Sifu Toph," he said, all smiles and rosy cheeks and starry eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Toph snatched her purse and waved the smitten young man away.

"You're not… uh, _teaching_ him, are you?" Aang asked.

"Who, Goldilocks? Hell no. He's just trying to prove he's a man by getting into someone's pants tonight. Now pay attention." she pulled the drawstring bag open and turned it over: a pile of sand poured out at her feet. Toph raised an upturned palm then slammed it down, spreading the sand out in a fine, even layer over the dance floor.

"I know you're used to being the leader and all, but in this case, you're going to let me do all the driving, got it?" she said firmly. "Just keep your back straight, stay balanced, and don't fight me, understand?"

"But what— "

Toph nodded to Chong and the Nomads – by some miracle, they actually knew a few Fire Nation Tangos. They started the sultry, sliding tune and Toph whipped her arms out.

And she began to dance.

Aang stood gaping as she flung her hips out, arching her back and tossing her hair seductively, her blind eyes fixed on him nonetheless. The Avatar felt himself heat. Monk or not, his body was reacting and for once he was really, really glad that his robes were so tailored so loose.

And suddenly, he was dancing too. He didn't realize it at first, but the sand on the floor beneath him was sifting. A sharp jut beneath his heel pitched his left food forward, followed by another lump behind his right foot, so that he took two steps forward. He squeaked in alarm, but quickly threw his weight back to keep balance, just as the sand beneath his left foot slid a half a meter to the left. The toe to the right foot was dragged around and he pivoted, twisting his waist and balancing himself, waving his arms around only a little.

Toph continued her slinky traipsing around him, her hands deftly working the earth around him, a grand puppet master to the Avatar's body. The monk quickly learned the pattern to the steps and began to anticipate where his sifu would lead him next. She whipped the green sash off from around her waist, and bent Aang closer. The wide band of silk fell over his shoulders and she pulled him tightly against her, shimmying up and down against his front provocatively.

In the next moment, he was whipped away, unfurled from the great band of cloth so that the sand could reclaim control of his feet. He found himself high-stepping, sliding, twirling and leaping with Toph, who matched his movements, accentuated with the alluring flick of her wrists and fingers.

They met in the centre, and now, as he gripped the Earthbender's waist firmly and slid an open, hungry palm down her side, Aang understood what he'd been missing, why he hadn't been able to grasp the Fire Nation tango during his lessons with the Fire princess.

The tango was about love. Passion. He had felt nothing but awkwardness with Azula, who had tried to loosen him up with the waltz before launching into the steamy tango. Aang had never seen the Fire princess as more than an ally, the sister of his old nemesis, the Fire Lady in waiting, a comrade, a…

Scratch that. Aang was AFRAID of Azula.

But with Toph, who looked like a twist of silk and satin twining around his body, he was experiencing very un-monk-like feelings, which were being fanned into Firebenderish proportions. He had a feel for the steps now, and carried himself the rest of the way, improvising with his own slick movements gleaned from Sokka and Azula's earlier performance. Toph nodded once in approval. Her student had caught on.

All too quickly, the dance ended, and Aang could barely believe his enormous ears at the thunderous applause, the whistles and hoots and catcalls for the brazen Earthbender, the hot performance that had a lot of people wiping the sweat from their brows.

With a mighty blush, Aang suddenly realized he was still holding Toph by the waist, her length pressed against him as she sagged in a rainbow arc beneath him. He pulled her to her feet and she grinned.

"Not bad, Twinkle Toes," she said, gathering the sand back into a ball in her palm and slipping it into her purse. "Not bad at all."

She stepped down off the stage, leaving Aang entirely perplexed (and horny).

Azula was furious.

"C'mon Sokka!" She grabbed her stunned partner by the front of his shirt. "I will _not_ let that little mud-mucker of a tomboy upstage me!"

The princess and the Water Tribe warrior sauntered onto centre stage. With a nod from Sokka, Chong and the Nomads began a different tune, another tango. The Fire and Water duo began their steamy rendition of the dance Aang had watched them do when he had first been getting lessons. Though now that Azula was in direct competition, it was a no-holds-bar performance. The hips swivels and pelvic thrusts were even more suggestive, the caresses fervent. The smoldering looks they gave each other could have set the place on fire.

And then Azula ripped Sokka's shirt open.

The single girls in the audience squealed. (After all, with Zuko married off, the mantle of hot-single-guy had to be passed on.) The Water Tribe warrior looked down at his bared chest and smirked. Getting the gist of what Azula was aiming for in their routine, he reached forward and clasped the front of her bodice…

…Only to neatly tear away one cup of her breast coverings.

Shocked. Silence.

Sokka stared wide-eyed at the exposed boob, looked at the fabric clutched in his hand, looked back at the boob.

Azula went white as a sheet.

And screamed.

She bolted off stage, hands over her chest, leaving a streak of smoke in her wake.

Zuko covered his eyes. Katara gaped openly.

Sokka coughed and hid the handful of boob covering behind his back. He cleared his throat as though nothing had happened.

"Uh… yeah… next course."

He walked off the stage and promptly threw up in a potted plant.


	29. Girl Talk

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**Girl Talk**

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Azula had somehow managed to salvage the torn bodice, pinning it up with her corsage so that her bare breast was covered. A splash of lip gloss and she was back to her picture-perfect self.

"It'll just come off later anyhow," she said dismissively, smiling down at her boob through her cocktail. "Call it easy-access."

It seemed the princess had completely recovered from her Janet Jackson moment, though what a Janet Jackson was, Katara could not say. She sighed at Azula's ruined gown – it had looked so beautiful on the princess – but she continued to undo the clasps on her fifth wedding dress of the evening.

"You know, I'm really, really starting to regret all these dress changes," the bride stepped out of her red qipao and took the next dress – a fur-trimmed, navy blue frock – off the hanger. Azula helped her pull it on without a word; all the drinks she'd been having had made her forget that she was a princess rather than a handmaiden.

"Aw, Kat, you'd look beautiful in a paper bag," the Firebender hiccupped. "My brother's not good enough fer ya."

Knowing she was prone to speaking the truth when she was drunk, Katara smiled. "Thanks 'Zula. That means a lot, coming from you."

Actually, it didn't mean anything, since Azula really didn't think much of her brother, but the bride let it pass.

"Hey," Azula leaned heavily on her sister-in-law, "Heeeeey… d-do…" Azula set her drink down and got very serious. "Do…do you think Aang would ever go for a girl like me?"

Katara stared. She'd always thought the little monk was simply on the princess's list of men yet vanquished. He was, after all, the Avatar, a man of great power and respect. Every woman in the world wanted him. But the Waterbender never thought in a million years that Azula was serious about Aang.

"Uh…well, he _is_ a bit younger than you," she said diplomatically. Every nerve in her being wanted to scream, "OH GODS NO, ARE YOU INSANE? AANG'S TERRIFIED OF YOU!" but she had always been a bit sensitive about Azula's feelings, though the girl pretended she had none. She added with a wry smile, "Not that age kept him from chasing me."

"Heh, yeah," Azula sloshed, bitterness and envy tingeing her tone. "But…do you think I even have a chance? Next to Toph, I'm… I'm just so…" she gestured with her hands, at a loss for words. Loathe to filling them in for her, Katara waited.

"…Fiery and passionate?" Katara suggested tactfully after a minute, though she had wanted to scream, "INHUMANLY FRIGHTENING?"

"Royally beautiful," Azula concluded with a sigh. Her hand made a delicate little flourish. "I'm just afraid that Aang's frightened off by my perfect beauty, y'know?"

Katara kept her face straight.

"I have flaws, too, y'know. Like, when I was young, I had a mole, right here," she pointed to a spot under her chin. "I had it removed. You can still sorta see the mark there, under the makeup. C'mon, take a look."

Katara obliged. Sure enough, a teeny dot of mocha brown was flecked on the princess's alabaster skin. She would never have seen it if Azula hadn't pointed it out, and told her sister-in-law so.

"Aw, Kat, you're a good friend. I know you don't want to hurt my feelings, and I know Aang really has a thing for Toph… and the younger chits. He deserves someone…" she hiccupped. "Never mind. Pretend I didn't ask about him and we'll have a good time tonight, yeah? I mean, I can still try to jump his bones, right? Even _he_ can't say no to a first-class ride on the Azula Express to Pleasureville." She laughed crudely.

Katara thought Azula might have been more like the town's only ostrich-horse, but kept that sentiment to herself as she put the finishing touches to her sixth dress change and studied her reflection.

"Hey, and how about that Jet guy? Wow, he's, like, gorgeous." Azula giggled.

Alarm bells clanged loudly in Katara's ears. "Zula, you can't date him. He's… well, he's…"

"A wanted man? A psychotic maniac? Hates the Fire Nation and all its denizens?"

"All three, actually." Katara furrowed her brow. "Now I'm trying to remember why I put him on the guest list…"

Azula dismissed her with a wave. "I can handle him. You forget who you're talking to." The princess grinned, a manic show of teeth worthy of Ozai.

The bride was about to say something to stop her friend. She couldn't expose her new sister-in-law to the likes of that cursedly-handsome Jet. _He's a charmer, he'll use you and abuse you, he's a lowlife dirt bag and needs to go down…_

But then, her mind did a funny thing. It pretended she was talking to Jet, and tried to convince her to keep him away from Azula.

_She's crazy, she's moody, she'll use and abuse you…_

And then her brain did a 180, and she was looking at Azula again.

"Hello? Earth Kingdom to Katara? You okay, sweetie?" The princess waved a hand in front of her eyes. "Did you hear me? I said, what do you think if I asked him out?"

Somehow, Katara said it with a perfectly straight face.

"Go ahead. I think you two would make a great match."


	30. An Interlude, Courtesy of Bumi

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**Why Bumi's Open Mic Nights Were Sparsely Attended**

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"Ladies and germs, I've got yet another special treat for you," Sokka announced. A groan rippled through the audience as they looked  
up from their sealshark fin soup. "You all know him, you all love him, he puts the 'ha' in 'ha-larious'—"

Crickets chirped.

"—Give it up for the Monarch of Mayhem, the King of Kooky, BUMI!"

The crowd rose and applauded respectfully as the ancient monarch got up on stage. Two servants brought a trunk up and set it before him.

"Thank you, oh, you're all so kind." Bumi bowed, giggles punctuated by a few snorts, and gestured at everyone to sit.

"So how is everyone tonight? Are we having fun yet?" Bumi clapped his hands together as weak applause sounded. He carefully opened his trunk, a bright green rectangular box with gold and mother-of-pearl inlay. The lid hung open, hiding the king from the waist down.

"Tonight we celebrate the union of two very special people. Now, I've known Lord Zuko and Miss Katara for a while. When I heard they were getting married and having this grand old wedding, I thought, really, it's a shame they—" he reached down into the trunk and produced a melon with a flourish "—CANTALOUPE!"

The long, silent pause was punctuated by a distant cough.

Bumi tossed the melon into the crowd and went on, holding up a leafy green head. "But LETTUCE look past this now and celebrate this day." He chucked the lettuce aside.

"Now I wanted to give Lord Zuko some advice before the wedding night—" Catcalls and hooting sounded loudly. Bumi pulled a fussing owlcat out of the trunk and let it roam the stage freely.

"To start with, always remember; when kissing a flower as delicate as our lovely Katara, TULIPS are better than one!" He presented the bride with a bouquet of red and yellow blooms, all of them hanging limply open.

Katara accepted the wilting flowers with a weak smile.

"Of course, marriage isn't all about nighttime activities. It is something that needs to be worked at in order to produce anything meaningful, much like a farm… HOE on, TILL the SEEDS of your love BEAR FRUIT!"

Profound silence.

"You suck!" Someone yelled. Bumi ignored the heckler as he reached into the trunk once more.

"A working marriage is like a bonsai tree," he declared, placing a beautiful bonsai before the newlyweds. "Don't expect it to grow the MINIATURE planting it!"

Zuko actually laughed at that one. More out of a need to break the ominous quietude than from amusement.

"And as for children," Bumi winked, "Well, you know how us kings are. We worry all the time about our receding HEIR lines!"

"To conclude—" a roar of relieved applause swept over the crowd. Bumi raised a glass and everyone followed suit "—I wish Zuko and Katara the best in life, love, and longevity. A TOAST!"

He threw two pieces of burnt bread into the air. "To the happy couple!"

* * *

**Okay, the big groaner is out of the way... onto the rest of the funny! **


	31. Bouquet Toss

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**Bouquet Toss**

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"If I can have your attention, ladies and germs!" Sokka called.

Zuko began to wonder if the water boy would ever give up on that particular address.

"It's that time all the ladies have been waiting for: the bouquet toss! Can I please have all the single women come up here?"

Giggles and groans resounded throughout the dining hall as hundreds of girls and unmarried women got up from their seats and made their way toward the cleared dance floor. Many were reluctantly dragged out of their seats, or woefully propelled to the front by various bending methods. Zuko watched with a mixture of amusement and dread as Azula marched to the front of the crowd, eyeing her competition for the bride's floral favour. The young Fire Lord marveled at how quickly his sister could sober up when it came to competition time.

As the throng of bachelorettes amassed, Zuko carefully considered each of the potential bride-to-be's chances of catching the bouquet. He immediately dismissed the Twinkie girls from Kyoshi Island, who were all huddled together at the front of the crowd, giggling – they were just too short. Likewise, he eliminated all the women hovering at the back; mostly bored Fire Nation noblewomen who, now that the Fire Lord was taken, had little interest in marriage.

Azula may have been too close to the front, knowing Katara's strong throwing arm. The bouquet would arc and land somewhere near the centre of the crowd, but that probably wouldn't stop the Fire princess from jumping onto the Twinkies' little shoulders to make a grab for it. Ty Lee looked just as determined: the lithe tumbler would have no problem leaping for the bouquet. Mai simply stood there, bored and sullen as usual. Zuko knew not to underestimate her, though; if she really did have any designs to be the next to wed, she could fight as readily for the bouquet as her two academy mates; but since Zuko was taken, she would probably pursue other interests.

The Firebender scanned the other faces in the crowd, picking out other potential winners and losers. Some of the fiercer looking women who could definitely take on Azula and Ty Lee seemed uninterested, and had simply joined the crowd for decorum. Toph looked bored and was facing the wrong way. Jun absently inspecting her nails off to one side. The Fortuneteller, Aunt Wu, was consulting a book of flower falling patterns. And the Kyoshian warrior Suki kept throwing nasty looks at Sokka and making threatening gestures at him as if to say, "I'm going to get that bouquet like I'm going to get you!"

The master of ceremonies did not miss her message, squeaking as he spoke.

"Uh, okay ladies! Get ready!" He leaned over and whispered to his sister urgently. Katara simply smiled and nodded, glancing behind her as she eyed the throng of single women.

Zuko sat at the edge of his seat, and made the decisive bet: he was putting his money on Ty Lee.

"One!" Katara counted, "Two! THREE!"

The bouquet of champagne lilies and roses arced high into the air.

"MINE!" Azula screamed. As predicted, she climbed over the pile of squealing Twinkies and pushed off, jumping five feet into the air, arms spread out. It looked like she was going to catch the bouquet when suddenly, a pink-slippered foot collided with her jaw and a blur of agile fuchsia-clad limbs spun and hopped over the Fire princess's falling form. Ty Lee stretched out, her fingers just brushing the stem of the bouquet in mid-air, when the bottom inch of the flower arrangement was suddenly lopped off.

A metal fan embedded itself into the wall as Suki ran forth, batting and elbowing the women around her away. She dived forward, trying to catch the falling bouquet, but it suddenly jerked up and away, caught by a ghostly hand and snatched from her grasp. The bouquet sailed high overhead of its own volition, away from the flailing reach of the desperate, shrieking single women, to land right into the arms of one woman standing off to the side in the far corner.

She stared dumbly at the flowers in her arms as Azula, Ty Lee, Suki, and a host of other women gawked in disbelief.

"Katara!" Suki screeched. "That's cheating! You can't use your Waterbending powers to move the water in the bouquet!"

"Do over!" Azula cried, slamming her fist on the ground at the injustice of it all.

"Me? I didn't do anything!" Katara sputtered.

They stared. "But, if it wasn't you…"

All eyes turned to Aang. The monk rapidly shook his head, holding his hands up in denial. "Honest guys, I didn't do it!"

"Wasn't me, neither," a plump old hick called from the back of the reception hall. No one even noticed him.

"Well, looks like my Gran Gran is going to have a second wedding!" Sokka announced happily, too relieved by Suki's miserable failure. "Congratulations Gran Gran!"

The old woman stared at her grandchildren and back at the flowers. If it wasn't Katara, then who…?

"You'll make a lovely bride, Kana," a voice came smoothly. Gran Gran frowned and pivoted on her heel. Pakku was standing behind her, smirking, arms folded across his chest. His eyes glittered with mischievous triumph. "So how does this winter sound for the wedding?"

Kana whipped the bouquet at the Waterbending master's head and stalked away.

"Next spring then?" Pakku called after her, picking a thorn out of his eye.


	32. Mingling: An Introduction

**A note: I couldn't remember who I had stolen the term "Twinkies" from to describe the little Kyoshian girls Aang was gaang baanging. "Twinkies" is from 4EverSleepingDragon's fic, _Not Everything is Real._ It is also a delicious snack cake.  
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**Mingling: An Introduction (Let's Get This Party Started)  
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Dinner was finally over, the rich and extravagant fusion cuisine the talk of the party. Chong and Nomads relinquished the orchestra pit to the palace's house musicians, but their stuffy background music did not stop the brightly dressed free-loving travelers from loudly launching into their own little ditties whenever the mood struck them as they meandered about the great reception hall.

A grand dessert buffet, complete with massive ice sculptures of dragons and koi fish, was quickly descended upon, as was the open bar, now in full swing, pirates jostling for service alongside salty sailors and nuns alike. Tables were quickly cleared and removed, opening up the dance floor to accommodate all 1048 guests. As the guests dispersed, scattering around the hall to make introductions and seek out old friends, new alliances, and intriguing possibilities, it became obvious to Zuko that the _real_ party was just beginning.

But first, Zuko had a duty to do. He focused on the task at hand and breathed deeply, wishing Katara hadn't gone to change dresses yet again.

_Breathe, Zuko._

_In. _

_Out. _

_In. _

_Out._

_You're royalty, Zuko. The Fire Lord. You're a Firebending master. You can do this._

"Hakoda. Master Pakku. Chief Arnook," he cleared his throat, trying to get the Sokka-esque squeak out, and faced the three most fearsome and intimidating Water Tribe men he'd ever met. "I'd like you meet my father, Ozai."

The former Fire Lord stood firmly by his son's side, but somehow managed to hang back in an alcove so he stayed out of the light. His shoulders were slightly hunched, his head held level, though he seemed to be nodding slightly – probably an effect of the Firebending suppressant.

Master Pakku stood with his arms crossed casually over his chest, one hip hitched up, a frown deeply lining his face as he sized up the ex-Fire Lord. Chief Arnook stood ramrod straight, his face solemn and reverent, his eyes burning with contempt. And Hakoda, who had always come across as warm and friendly to Zuko, was colder than a block of ice toward Zuko's father.

The three Water men eyed the insane, power-hungry ex-Fire Lord warily. Ozai glowered back, yellow eyes shining in the dark. As blue-blue-blue met gold, Zuko could practically feel the crackle of static in the space between them as the men were rubbed the wrong way just by _looking_ at each other.

Standing between them, the young newlywed was unsure exactly what he would be doing if he had to intercede between the two factions. Would he be protecting his father from the Water Tribe men, or preventing the men from getting hurt?

A heartbeat of silence. Two. Three. The prickly stillness continued as Ozai rested in the shadows, a tiger lying in wait.

Finally, Katara's father stepped forward and extended a hand.

"In-law," he ground out.

Zuko was afraid his father would not accept the offered hand. But after three more heartbeats, Ozai stepped forward and gripped Hakoda's forearm in a brotherly gesture, and Zuko let out a breath he didn't even realize he was holding.

"Father-of-my-son's-wife," Ozai enunciated carefully. They clasped arms tightly for one, two, three heartbeats, then abruptly let go.

"If you'll excuse us, we have to say hello to some old friends." Hakoda bowed shortly to the two Fire men. "My lords."

They turned their blue backs and disappeared into the crowd. Zuko slumped against the wall.

"He seemed nice," Ozai said casually. "A little on the frosty side though." He let out a sudden manic hoot of wild laughter, causing everyone within hearing range to recoil in terror. "Get it? Frosty! Because, he's from the Water Tribe, and it's cold there…"

"Yeah, Dad, I got it." Zuko barely suppressed a moan as he glanced around fearfully, looking for an excuse to get away. "Er, let me get you a drink."

"No need, my boy." The ex-Fire Lord produced a half-empty bottle of the palace's finest wine and shook it in his son's face. Zuko's eyes widened in horror.

"Dad! How much did you drink?"

"Me? Drunk?" He hiccupped. "I dunno, maybe four, five, six…" Ozai grinned. If it weren't for the shadowy alcove, Zuko would see the alcohol-reddened visage of the old Fire Lord with bloodshot, heavy-lidded eyes, rosy apple cheeks, and wine-stained teeth.

"Now if you'll excuse me, my son," Ozai stepped forward. "_I_ am going to _mingle_."

Zuko stood paralyzed with fear as his father staggered forward. He was about to call the guards to watch him (as if they weren't already), but as the senior member of the royal family began talking animatedly to just about anyone he encountered, grinning and shaking hands and being _pleasant,_ the young Fire Lord shrugged to himself.

_Oh, what the heck? The old man deserves to have his fun after two years in prison._

He put some distance between himself and the old Fire Lord, seeking his newlywed wife so he could hide behind her skirt.


	33. Mingling: Conversations with Ozai

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**Mingling: Conversations with Ozai**

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**Fact number one:** A Master Firebender requires a lot of alcohol in order to get drunk. This is because a Firebender's internal body heat tends to evaporate most of the alcohol in any drink; so naturally, Firebenders need to drink more, faster, in order to achieve any level of inebriation.

**Fact number two:** Before the wedding, Ozai was fed a double dose of a special drug that suppresses Firebending abilities. Its side effects include feelings of euphoria. Those side effects are tripled when the drug is mixed with alcohol.

**Fact number three: **Ozai is a happy drunk.

**Fact number four: **Ozai lost count at six bottles of wine.

* * *

The ex-Fire Lord meandered about, the crowd giving way to him as he bore his pointed teeth in a manic grin. He staggered up to a white-haired man muttering lowly to a candelabra.

"Fire IS alive, I say! What do you mean it's not? SHUT UP!"

Ozai sauntered up to the man, grinning. "Hey, I know you! You're… you're that guy…" he pointed and snapped his fingers at him "…Bong Bong… or something…"

Master Jeong Jeong was startled that he had been recognized, and by Ozai, no less. "I… uh…"

Ozai snapped his fingers and pointed at him gleefully. "Jeong Jeong the Desserter! Yeah! That's your name!" He slung an arm around the rebel's taut shoulders. "So how is the cake and cookie business?"

Jeong Jeong winced. "Uh…well. It's going... well…."

"Good to hear! So listen, I'm going to talk to those wonderful people over there. Sorry to interrupt your conversation—" he addressed the candelabra "—you two have fun now!" And he sauntered away, leaving the Deserter baffled.

"That's one crazy Firebender," he said to the candelabra.

* * *

Iroh glanced nervously around him when a heavy hand descended upon his shoulder.

"Iroh!"

Iroh screamed. "ACK!"

Ozai pouted. "Why so pale, big brother? C'mon, lighten up, have something to drink!"

"I'm… fine. Really."

Ozai poked the retired general in the paunch. "Why, you look positively starved. Did you eat at all tonight?"

"…Well…"

"What? You think I'm going to poison your tea and cake?" He laughed. "Really, you should know me better than that! I'd just challenge you to—" he took a Firebending stance, but could not burst into flames for the dramatic effect "—AGNI KAI!"

"AHH!"

"AT SUNSET!"

"AHHH!"

Ozai bellowed a hearty laugh. "Ha! Just kidding! Gotcha pretty good, huh?"

Iroh chuckled weakly. "Yeah… real good…"

"Look, go eat something. If I were planning to kill everyone, I would have done it a long time ago!" Ozai slapped his brother on the back and practically skipped away, humming "It's A Long, Long Way to Ba Seng Sei" to himself.

Iroh scratched his head and hastily made his way to the dessert table.

* * *

"Iceman!"

"Please stop calling me that," Pakku groaned.

"Chilly Willy! The Abominable Snowman! The King of Cool!"

"Look, will you and your stinking hippie friends stop pestering me?" The Waterbender glowered.

"Not until we get a smile from you, Master Poophead!" Chong grinned. The minstrel nomad strummed his ukulele and was about to launch into another annoying ditty when a muscled arm snaked around his shoulders and pulled him away. Pakku's eyes widened in shock as the spectacle unfolded before him. His face slowly melted into a genuine smile.

"Ah, Ozai, I see you've met the evening's entertainment." The Waterbending master said pleasantly.

The ex-Fire Lord held Chong in a headlock, pointed canines framing his wicked smile.

"HIPPIES!" He hissed gleefully. "I LOVE HIPPIES!" He bent and planted a slobbery kiss on the singer's forehead.

Despite his awkward positioning, Chong looked rather pleased. "Dude, that's… awesome… _urk_…"

"Well, enjoy the rest of the party," Pakku waved and left the two alone.

Ozai clutched his new toy, smiling. Chong smiled back a little awkwardly.

"So… uh… you wanna party?"

* * *

Forty minutes later, Chong and his nomads exited a smoke-filled room, Ozai stumbling out with them, giggling in their wake.

"…And then I scarred him for life!" He laughed. "Literally and figuratively!"

"That poor kid," Chong laughed, squeezing tears out from the corners of his eyes. "It's a good thing your brother went on that crazy quest for the Avatar with him."

"And then they all joined forces and tried to kill me!" Ozai chuckled heartily. "Talk about irony!"

The nomad leader grew very serious and gripped Ozai by the shoulders, his sobriety marking the verge of a great revelation. "Dude…" his glazed eyes darted around "…suddenly, those bonbon things at the dessert table are looking really good. I'm gonna to get me some. Wanna come?"

"I'm going to make a few more rounds, dance with the bride maybe," Ozai grinned. "Thanks for the party, Chong. You're one crazy hippie dude."

"Dude!" The nomads pranced to the buffet.

Ozai staggered on. Along the way, he managed to make another open bottle of Fire Nation wine magically appear in his hand. He stared at it quizzically – it seemed to be talking to him.

"…Daddy? Daddy are you okay?" The bottle said as he peered through the warped image on the other side of the green glass.

"Azula! My sweet princess…" Ozai gathered his daughter up, burying his face in the enormous ruffles, frills, lace, feathers, fur, and puffiness of her increasingly more rumpled dress. The ex-Fire Lord felt his daughter stiffen and he stepped back.

"Dear… what… what are you wearing?" He asked, seeing her up close for the first time that night.

Azula said it without conviction: "A bridesmaid's dress."

Ozai digested this and shrugged. "Well, you look beautiful anyhow. Say, where's Zuzu at? I wanna dance with his wife."

Azula bit her lip. She wasn't sure she would want to expose Katara to her father under the influence of anything other than… well, rage. That seemed to be the safest and most predictable of his emotional set, at least.

"I… uh… think he's by the dessert table," she lied. "Have you had any cake yet? It's yummy."

"Really? Hmm. I wonder if that Master Jeong Jeong made it. He's a baker, you know."

Azula gave her father a deadpan stare. "Sure, Dad. Whatever the hell you just said."

She watched him weave through the crowd, taking another swig from his bottle.

* * *

"Son! My son!" Ozai stumbled up to Zuko. Katara just barely heard her newlywed husband yelp before stepping back.

The ex-Fire Lord came toward them, arms outstretched. Katara felt the slightest shove and was propelled into her father-in-law's arms. She ground her teeth in a tight smile as she gingerly patted Ozai's bare back. What, the man couldn't be bothered to keep his shirt on for the entire night?

"Katara, my newest daughter," he growled in her ear. "I hope you will make my son happy."

"Yes… father," she parroted back dutifully.

"Because if you don't, I will kill you."

Katara smiled into his face, mirroring his manic grin. "I'm sure I would do the same in your place."

Ozai's face fell just a little at the icy resolve in the Waterbender's sparkling blue eyes. He contemplated her words, turning them over in his addled mind. This, he decided, was not a woman he should trifle with.

He laughed heartily and squeezed his daughter-in-law's shoulder _hard_.

"I just know you'll make Zuzu happier than I ever could!" He said ominously. "Now, where's that dessert table?" He stumbled away.

Zuko appeared at Katara's side, with Azula standing at her other elbow. She hadn't seen it, but both of the Fire Nation siblings had been on the sidelines, watching the interchange with great fear and apprehension for the Water Tribe girl.

"Are you okay, Katara? Did he hurt you?"

"Don't take anything Dad says personally. He's crazy. And I think he's high," Azula remarked quickly.

"I'm fine," Katara said, rolling her bruised shoulder. "We should get him like that more often. He might actually be able to _live _in the palace like that."

Zuko exchanged worried, incredulous looks with his sister. Knowing Katara's soft heart, she _would_ let their father run loose around the palace under the influence, like some enormous human puppy…under the influence.

Azula swirled her cocktail. "Well, he won't be like this for much longer. If I'm right, all that wine he's been drinking, plus the Firebending suppressant, should be taking effect now." The three watched Ozai pick up a whole pineapple and take a bite out of it. Aunt Wu was standing next to him, cautioning him against choking hazards.

"Besides," Azula continued, "it's almost Dad's bedtime. You know how he gets after dinner. Can't keep his eyes open past ten o'clock. Yep, I'd say he'll be down for the count right… about…"

Ozai suddenly slumped into Aunt Wu's arms, the half-eaten pineapple smacking her in the face.

All the muscles in Zuko's back unclenched and he let out a sigh of relief.


	34. Mingling: And the drinks kept flowing

* * *

**Mingling: And the drinks kept flowing…**

**

* * *

**

The father of the groom was carried away to sleep off his hangover in his cell in the lowest dungeon of the palace. Though it was almost midnight, the newlyweds opted to mingle as opposed to retire themselves. They walked arm-in-arm around the dance floor, champagne flutes in hand, toasting and nodding and chatting pleasantly with whoever they encountered.

"Don't be too shocked by the things you might hear, my love," Katara said quietly as they strolled on. "Weddings make people a little bit… well, odd."

"The open bar didn't help." Zuko said. "Not to mention what Chong and the hippies are passing around in the back room."

"What I mean to say is that there are a lot of single people here, and weddings sometimes make them a little nervous about being alone. Without a partner. Incomplete." She sighed. "People see us up here, and they feel like they need to be with someone. So they seek other people out, because chances are, at an event like this, they'll have some kind of… connection with someone."

Zuko nodded in understanding. They had invited half the kingdom – the chances people would make connections in the Fire Lord's palace was quite high that night.

They strolled on, listening to snippets of conversation as they passed.

* * *

**Pirate Captain: **I introduced those two to each other, you know.  
**Hakoda:** So this is all YOUR fault?  
**Pirate Captain:** ...Uh…

* * *

**Jet**: So, you were a refugee from the Fire Nation, huh? Must be kinda weird to be coming to this wedding and all.  
**Song**: Not really.  
**Jet**: Are you sure? Cuz, I could give you some comfort in that dark little corner over there…  
**Song**: (_slaps Jet and stalks away_)  
**Jet**: Oh yeah? Well… I don't like burn victims anyhow! So there!

* * *

**Azula**: EEEEEE! HIPPIES! EEEEEEEEE! WHO LET THEM IN HERE? GET THEM AWAY! GET THEM AWAY! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
**Chong**: Hey, Fire Lady, you have got to chill out…  
**Azula**: AHHHHHHHH! IT'S TALKING TO ME!  
**Chong**: I think what you need is a song…  
**Azula**: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

* * *

**Jet**: So you're from Kyoshi, huh? I bet that unagi isn't as big as _my_ eel…  
**Suki**: I have an idea. How about you dangle it in front of an elephant koi, and see if you catch anything?

* * *

**Gan jin Tribe leader**: You seem _familiar_ to me…  
**Mechanist**: Odd. So do you.

* * *

**Haru**: Hi, I'm Haru. You wanna dance?  
**Smellerbee**: Are…are you a girl?  
**Haru**: …Wait… aren't you?

* * *

**Jet**: I hear you know a few things about pressure points. That's great, because there are a few points on my body that could use a little pressure.  
**Ty Lee**: (_jabs all of Jet's pressure points so he falls limply to the ground_)  
**Jet**: …Ha! There's still one thing that ain't limp, beautiful!  
**Ty Lee**: (_jab_)  
**Jet**: …Aw crap.

* * *

**Chong**: Dude! _Niiiiiice_ outfit.  
**Bumi**: This is so embarrassing – how could you wear the same thing as me? I'm the King of Omashu!  
**Chong**: You're wearing the same thing as me? Dude, then you must be, like, the King of Omashu!  
**Bumi**: … I think I've been out-crazied.

* * *

**Jeong Jeong**: Nice hair.  
**Aunt Wu's serving man**: Right back at you.

* * *

**Jet**: Hey baby. Nice whip. Wanna see mine?  
**Jun**: I'd as soon kiss my Xirxiu.  
**Jet**: …I can arrange that! He could use a good KISS!

* * *

**Lily**: So this one time, at band camp—  
**Sokka**: I really, _really_ don't want to know.

* * *

**Jet**: I may not an Earthbender, but I just know I can make the earth move for you.  
**Toph**: Well, I may be blind, but I can just tell you're about to look like an idiot.  
**Jet**: What? What are you—  
**Toph**: (_punts him across the room with a swift Earthbending kick to the butt._)

* * *

**Pakku:** YOU! You stole a Waterbending scroll from me!  
**Pirate Captain:** …Uh…

* * *

**Katara**: Pleeeeeeease?  
**Zuko**: No.  
**Katara**: Oh c'mon!  
**Zuko**: I said NO, Katara.  
**Katara**: Pretty please?  
**Zuko**: I am NOT doing the Macarena!

* * *

**Jet**: I have all kinds of knives hiding on my body, too. I bet you I can find all yours before you find all mine.  
**Mei**: If you say one more thing to me, you're going to find one of those knives stuck somewhere where the sun don't shine.

* * *

**Zhang Tribe leader**: You think YOU have unmanageable hair?  
**Meng**: Try using separate shampoo and conditioners. It'll take the frizz down.  
**Zhang Tribe leader**: Sham…poo?

* * *

**Jet**: Hey there gorg—DUDE!  
**Haru**: What? You don't think I'm pretty?

* * *

**Bato**: Hey, I know you! Didn't you try to raid my ship a month ago?  
**Pirate Captain**: …Uh…

* * *

**Gran-Gran**: They call me Gran-squared. You can call me G2.  
**Jeong Jeong**: They call me Jeong-squared. You can call me all yours.

* * *

**Pakku**: So what was he like?  
**Hakoda**: Who, Ozai? Well… his hands were sweaty.  
**Arnook**: Oh, nasty. I hate sweaty hands. And what was with the shirtless thing?  
**Pakku**: He was shirtless?  
**Hakoda**: You were talking to him earlier, didn't you notice? Anyhow, he's apparently always shirtless. Likes to make sure his silhouette's as intimidating as it can be.  
**Arnook**: Doesn't help when you're in jail, though, does it?  
**Pakku**: You know what would really help? Deodorant. That would get him the ladies.  
**Hakoda**: You're one to talk.  
**Pakku**: What? You don't like my cologne?  
**Arnook**: Dude, you smell like fish ass. And it's not working. Know how I know?  
**Pakku**: How?  
**Arnook**: _(points to Jeong Jeong and Gran Gran making out.)_  
**Pakku**: THE HELL?

* * *

**Cabbage Man**: (_singing_)—Fish—!  
**Bitter old fisherman**: (_singing_)—And cabbage!—  
**Both**: —Together at last!  
**Cabbage Man**: (_singing_) We'll make a scrumptious, nutritious repast!  
**Bitter old fisherman**: (_singing_) And all of our worries will fade pretty faassst…  
**Both**: (_singing_) If we go in business to-ge-ther!

* * *

**Mai**: This party is unbearably dull. When will my wretched life in the Fire Nation end?  
**Jun**: (_stroking Mai's hair_) Have you ever considered a career in bounty hunting? It pays very well, and I wouldn't mind taking on an apprentice…  
**Mai**: …I… I'd like that. I think I'd really like that.  
**Jun**: C'mon. Let me show you my Xirxiu…

* * *

**Chong**: So… do _you_ like to party?  
**Chey**: Oh boy, do I!

* * *

**Toph**: OH GODS! OH GODS!  
**Sokka**: What's wrong Toph?  
**Toph**: MY FEET! MY FEET!  
**Sokka**: …annnd?  
**Toph**: Your Gran Gran… old Firebender… tongues…  
**Sokka**: What? What are you… OH GODS! MY EYES! MY EYES! I'M BLIND!  
**Toph**: I'M BLINDER!

* * *

**Earth Kingdom Messenger**: I'm looking for Bato of the— Speedy? Speedy is that YOU?  
**YuYuan Archer**: …Uh…

* * *

**Colonel Shinu**: And then I said… oh excuse me, that's my messenger hawk.  
**Prison Warden**: A message from the Fire Lord? ..."Roses are red, violets are blue, Zhao is dead, and so are you." What could he possibly… HOLY CRAP!  
**Tyro**: Everyone look! It's George Takei! GET HIM!  
**Colonel Shinu**: (_yelling_) Zuko, I'm standing right here! Why do you insist on communicating with me by messenger hawk all the time? Is it my breath? You can tell me, you know!

* * *

**Iroh**: Hello there.  
**Yaguda**: Hello.  
**Iroh**: I don't suppose you'd be interested in having a cup of tea with the Dragon of the West?  
**Yaguda**: I'd be delighted.  
**Iroh**: …And perhaps, we could play a sporting game of Pai-sho?  
**Yaguda**: I love Pai-sho!  
**Iroh**: And then perhaps I could introduce you to my Dragon of the South.  
**Yaguda**: (_slaps Iroh_) MASHER!  
**Iroh**: It didn't work, Jet!  
**Jet**: Well try that old lady over there!  
**Iroh**: That's a guy!  
**Pirate Barker**: Well! I never!  
**Iroh**: And neither have I, thank the spirits!

* * *

**Jet**: Hey, you're hot. Wanna make out?  
**Azula**: Okay.

* * *

**Crazy Herb Lady**: Hey, you're hot. Wanna make out?  
**King Bumi**: I'd be delighted.

* * *

**Aang**: Meng? Is that you?  
**Meng**: Oh, hey Aang! Nice to see you again!  
**Aang**: You… you look… uh… wow.  
**Meng**: Thanks Aang. Aunt Wu always said I would be a bit of a late bloomer.  
**Aang**: Uh… so… you wanna maybe… do… an… activity? Dance or something?  
**Meng**: Sorry Aang, but someone's already asked me to.  
**Teo**: Hey Meng, here's your punch. Hey Aang! You're not trying to steal my girl, are you?  
**Aang**: ...No! You guys go… uh… _dance_. Have fun.  
**Teo**: Bye Aang.  
**Meng**: See you later Aang!  
**Aang**: Take care!_ …Floozy…_

_

* * *

_

**Roku**: "That boy is our last hope."  
**Yue**: "No. There is another…"  
**Koh**: "_Y Jabba Neche won chuda chelete poto kah, yeh yeh yeh._"  
**Gyatso**: "His High Exaltedness, the Great Jabba the Hutt, has decreed that you are to be terminated."  
**Hei Ba**: "RWWAAAWWRRR."  
**Zhao**: Would you guys QUIT IT? That's really starting to get on my nerves!  
**Yue**: Oh get an afterlife Zhao! C'mon guys, lets do Harry Potter movie-oke instead!  
**Wan Shi Tong:** Ooh, oh! I wanna be Snape!  
**Kyoshi:** Actually, we thought you could play Hedwig again.  
**Wan Shi Tong: **Oh C'MON. That's typecasting! Next thing you'll say is that you want Zhao to play Draco Malfoy's dad.  
**Zhao**: …

* * *

**Zuko**: What the—?  
**Katara**: Everything okay, Zuzu?  
**Zuko**: _(rubbing his eyes)_ I… I thought I saw Hayden Christensen for a moment.  
**Katara**: Shh. It was just a dream, love. A horrible, horrible dream.

* * *

**Well, of course there are more conversations. I might do a second installment, but if you have any face-to-face moments you'd like to see or want to include, send them my way!**  



	35. Cracked Porcelain

**You must all go read _Porcelain_ by Loveroftheflame, available on FicHaven dot org. It is possibly the best smut/fluff crack pairing I have ever read, and it's a beautiful piece of work that is funny and sympathetic and heart-wrenching all at once. Not suitable for kids; but admit it, you come here for the sex scenes.**

**This is my tribute parody to that great piece of work.**

**I've also just published a Azula/Zuko fic called _Kindred _for Loveroftheflame, available on ffnet and FicHaven dot org. I know, lots of people go "squick" at incest fics, but I worked hard on it… maybe this sympathetic tale of forbidden love will change your mind? …Please?**

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**Cracked Porcelain**

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o **  
**

Azula stumbled out of the coat room, dress askew. Her lips were wet and swollen, her lipstick smeared, the skin around her neck burning with the hot smell of rum.

A strong arm shot out of the tiny curtained room and snaked around her waist. She squealed.

"You won't get away from me so easily," a rough voice growled. The tall young man who had caught her in the closet pulled Azula flush against his chest. He smiled wolfishly as he softly bit into her exposed shoulder. The Firebender moaned throatily, arching, the back of her head resting on his shoulder. A long-fingered hand explored her front, feeling the curves beneath the ugly bridesmaid dress, smoothing over her frilly bodice as though the mass of fabric, fur and feathers was something to be savored, inch by hideous inch.

"You are a _very_ naughty boy," the Fire princess purred and spun in the rogue's possessive hold. She shoved him against the doorframe, pressing her palms against the broad planes of his pectorals, looping her hands around his neck before diving once more for his mouth.

Azula commended herself on her catch of the evening; this roguish peasant was perfect material for a one-night stand: good-looking, energetic, willing, anonymous, and utterly disposable. The way things had been going that night, she didn't think anyone would want her as badly as this Earth Kingdom (or, at least she thought he was Earth Kingdom) boy seemed to want her. That he was so adamant about getting away from the Melon Lady only made their tryst that much more fun: half the challenge was keeping grunts and groans to a minimum so no one could find them.

The corridor where the coatroom was located was mostly vacant, though the sounds of the party filtered down the long arched hallways, joyful echoes mixing with her breathy moans invading the Fire Nation palace. Through her haze of alcohol-induced passion, her mouth full of tongue, her fists full of hair, and her loins flooded with damp heat, the Firebender could sense someone approaching.

"Princess?"

Obviously, this palace newbie knew nothing about the consequences of disrupting her personal recreation.

The voice, small and meek, came again. "Princess?"

Someone was about to learn the meaning of pain. She gave the soon-to-be burn victim one last chance.

"Princess Azula?" the voice deepened, but was on the verge of breaking.

She wrenched herself violently away from the youth's lean body, feeling cold fire spark on her fingertips.

"Idiot! Can't you see I'm—"

The words died on her lips. Emerald green eyes stared forlornly back at her. A finely chiseled jaw clenched, making the cables on his neck stand out.

Azula gasped.

"H-Haru?"

"Hey, hot stuff, what's the matter?" The lanky youth she had just been playing tonsil hockey with extracted a stalk of grass from his belt and lazily put it in his mouth. "Do you know this guy?"

The princess could say nothing. It had been two years since she had seen the young Earth Kingdom captain, now fully matured, his once delicate features now rugged and worn like smooth stone. Even so, he was still damn pretty.

"Princess…" The disappointment in Haru's voice was clear now. "I… I saw you up on the stage, but I didn't recognize you in that… that _dress_…" his glanced grimly down and faltered. "I wanted to say hello… they said I might find you out here."

"Haru…" Azula managed again, nearly choking on the taste of boy in her mouth. "I… this is such a surprise. I thought—"

"That I had died in the war? Well, it's a long story…"

(…That mostly involved the Earthbender returning home at the end of the war to live with his parents. But he wasn't about to tell her that.)

"H-how have you been?" Azula stuttered, suddenly very self-conscious about the state of her dress. Or undress, as the groping youth had managed to make it.

"Fine." Haru looked away as she cupped her breasts and rearranged them in the bodice. "Just fine."

Desperate to fill the awkward silence, Azula gestured behind her. "Uh, this is… this is…" she looked frantically up at the lanky youth who deadpanned back at her, the tiny smirk twisting his lips expressing no mirth in his cold, dark eyes as he answered.

"Jet."

"Jet!" she smiled nervously. "Haru, Jet. Jet, Haru."

"S'up?" the Freedom Fighter inclined his chin nonchalantly. Haru barely acknowledged him with a nod, his eyes fixing a hurt, accusing glare on the fidgeting Firebender.

The silence stretched on as they stood there, not looking at each other, a vast ocean of unsaid things dividing the once secret lovers. Jet languidly scratched his balls.

"I think I'll go back in and say hello to some old friends," Haru said finally, clearing his throat. "It was nice to see you again…_your highness_." He bowed slightly, one eye on her.

"Haru…"

But the boy was already making his way back to the reception hall. Azula watched him go, feeling a nut of something dark and horrible growing inside her. She felt her cheeks burn uncomfortably, and steam seemed to be hissing out from the back of her eyeballs, inexplicably leaking fluid down her face. She wiped at the hot tears in bewilderment. Could it possibly be? Azula feeling… _remorse?_

"So," Jet turned her around again, cupping her with anxious hands, "where were we?"

She shoved him away and angrily dashed two fistfuls of blue flame onto the ground, roaring in frustration and despair. Jet leapt back.

"HOLY—" he stared at her wide-eyed. "You're a FIREBENDER?" A look of pure horror crossed his features, even as he began wiping his lips on his sleeve.

Azula rolled her eyes in disgust, mostly at herself. She spun on her heel and stalked back into the party to find worthier pursuits.

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**I love fanart: I got a piece by Rachel (sorry, I'm not sure what your FFnet name was) and I've posted it to my blog. http / tripetripeandmoretripe. / 2006 / 08 / more-fanart. html**

**If anyone else out there wants to send some to me based on any of my stories, please do! **


	36. Two Hooks

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**

**Two Hooks**

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"HEY! Watch where you're going!" Toph barked irately.

"Oops, sorry Toph. I got a little carried away with those cartwheels," Ty Lee giggled, tossing her hair. "Wow, isn't this party great? And I love your dress!"

"It's Azula's." Toph explained dismissively as she stepped back, sensing a hug coming her way from the over-affectionate acrobat. "So… get to dance with any cute guys?"

Ty Lee scratched her head. "Well, let's see… there was that big fella, Pipsqueak. Boy, he was funny, and that name! It's so contrary to his personality, you know what I mean?"

Toph deadpanned. "Uh-huh."

"I also had a nice long chat with the Blue Spirit." The girl grinned, starry-eyed, and sighed. "He was so... mysterious. And did I mention _sexy as hell?_"

The young Earthbender stared blindly at the pink girl. "Uh, Ty Lee? Yeah, I don't know if you noticed this, but _everyone_ was given a Blue Spirit mask as a gift."

"But he told he really _was_ the Blue Spirit! I mean, why would he lie to me?" she tossed her braid. "Though he kept saying he really wanted to show me his sword, which I thought was weird since the Blue Spirit's supposed to carry two swords…"

"Right. Whatever." Toph began to edge away when Ty Lee grabbed her by the wrist.

"Wait! I meant to ask you…" she blushed and toed the ground. "Have you seen Sokka around? I was, like, going to ask him to be my date tonight, but then he was the MC, so I knew he'd be busy…"

Slowly, Toph found her tongue. "Oh…I dunno. But knowing Sokka, he'll probably be by the dessert table."

Ty Lee brightened—a phenomenal feat, considering she wasn't all that bright to begin with. "Thanks!" She skipped away, trailing pink chiffon and satin in her wake. Toph let out a tired breath and turned, only to run smack-dab into someone's broad chest.

"Okay, I know _I'm_ the blind one, but could everyone just please WATCH where they're going!" she cried in frustration.

"You," Suki barked. "I've seen you talking with Sokka. Where is he hiding?"

Toph frowned and jabbed blindly in her general direction, hoping to poke the girl squarely in the ribs. "Listen _Mulan_, I don't appreciate bossy, alpha-female types bullying me around. Unless you want to see my impression of what Kyoshi did to Chin the Conqueror, I _suggest_ you show me a little more respect!"

Suki started and bowed at the waist. "I'm sorry, Master Toph, I didn't realize it was you. I didn't mean to offend. I was only eager to find that flirtatious scumbag, Sokka. He's been avoiding me all night."

Toph snorted, ignoring the Kyoshian's apology. "Sokka's lurking near the entrance, checking out the Fire Nation chicks. He was pretty drunk, so he'll be harder to catch if you want to chase him down."

Suki narrowed her eyes, directing her gaze out over the crowd toward the front of the hall. "Thank you, Master Toph. It was a pleasure speaking with you." The young woman bowed again and marched stalwartly away.

"Yeah, whatever…" then quietly "…bitch."

The young Earthbender sidled backwards to lean up against the wall, observing the crowd through the vibrations shimmying through her feet. Next to her stood a sculpture of Aang done in marble, a shirtless, overly muscular version of the Avatar grasping his staff in an oddly suggestive way. No one in the palace had ever seen it before tonight, and most of the staff assumed it was one of Zuko and Katara's many wedding gifts. The guests marveled at its beautiful lines and form, lauding the sculptor's craftsmanship and skill before crowding their empty glasses and used dessert plates onto the statue's pedestal.

Toph smiled to herself and spoke out of the corner of her mouth.

"So, how are you doing?"

A muffled noise from within the stone indicated that the sculpture was just fine, but it suddenly shut up as someone approached.

"Toph, I didn't see Sokka anywhere near the buffet!" Ty Lee whined. "Oh, I hope he doesn't think I'm, like, stalking him or that I'm needy or ditzy or something, you know?"

Yeah, she knew. "I'm sure he's around here somewhere. Why don't you try the front of the hall? I think he was flirting with some girl from Kyoshi there."

The acrobat's soft grey eyes flared with flaming hot jealousy. "Oh, REALLY?" She screwed her face up into a look of sheer conviction before literally leaping away, bounding from pillar to pillar, then up to the chandeliers, playing for space with a drunken Momo, who had somehow managed to down a bottle of champagne all on his own and was now dodging through the air tipsily, screaming feebly to the puny, land-bound human feeders below.

When the pink-clad contortionist was gone, Toph cackled to herself. Boy, this would be too much fun to watch.

The muffled sound from the statue became more insistent. Faintly, she heard: "Mmmph mmmrr mmmnnhhhmmm!"

"What? Speak more clearly, I can't hear you." Toph waved her hand, opening a face-shaped fissure where Aang's fixed glare had been. Sokka, encased in marble, gasped for air.

"You can't go pitting those two against each other! Do you know what will happen to me if they find out I've been hiding from them?"

"Relax," Toph said dismissively and folded her hands behind head, leaning back. "No one's going to find you. This disguise is foolproof." She looked pointedly at him. "By the way, how do you like my work?"

Sokka looked down at his rock-hard torso. Toph waved a hand and made the pecs and biceps jump and he grinned appreciatively. "Gotta say, very nice, even for a blind girl."

"I go with what I feel," Toph beamed.

Sokka tried very hard not to speculate about what (or who) she'd been feeling to achieve this muscle-laden piece of artwork. "Say, would you mind opening the eye holes a little wider? Maybe put a couple of holes in the nostrils so I can breathe easier?"

"Sure thing. You know, I've been thinking about sculpting for a living. By what people have been saying about—" she froze, feeling a familiar, stumbling gait heading her way. "Take a deep breath!"

Sokka yelped and his face was buried beneath Aang's stone visage once more, just as Azula came stumbling past. As promised, Toph opened up air vents through the nostrils and widened the irises of the eyes so Sokka could better see what was happening beyond his hiding spot.

"He-ey... Toph…" Azula hiccupped, spearing a hand through her mussed hair. She hiked the frilly, furry shoulder strap of her disheveled dress up.

"Hey 'Zula. I heard you go off with that creepy Jet guy. What happened?"

"Oh… well, I had a run in with an old boyfriend, and things got kinda weird…" she laughed in self-deprecation. "Boy. Men really suck sometimes, you know what I mean? I should just… I should swear off men altogether."

_Among other things_, Toph thought as she nodded sagely in response.

Then the princess spotted the statue of shirtless Aang and giggled. "He-ey. _Heeeeeey_. Where did this handsome fella come from?" She clambered up onto the pedestal, pushing the piles of used plates and glasses noisily off. Toph was about to stop her friend from making an ass of herself, then stopped: letting drunken friends make asses of themselves was what friends did, right?

"My, my, my…" the princess ran a fingertip across the breadth of the Avatar statue's chest. "Have you been working out, Aang?"

Toph just barely made out Sokka's muffled cry of dismay. She hid a smile.

"Mmm, well, I like what you've been doing to your body. Actually, I'd like what _I_ could do to your body better. I've been meaning to tell you…" Azula tipsily leaned forward, speaking lowly into the sculpture's stone ear, "…I have a _wee_ _little_ crush on you. Just a _wee_ one." She put a tiny space between her thumb and forefinger, then raked her nails down one of the marble figure's enormously disproportionate pectorals.

Toph swallowed the laughter threatening to burst from her lips and began to animate the statue with subtle flicks of her wrist. Within his stone tomb, Sokka was forced to move right along with his foolproof disguise.

Marble Aang leaned forward and swept Azula up off her feet, cradling her against his chest.

"Ooh!" the Fire princess gasped and began tittering seductively. "Why Aang! I didn't know you felt the same way!"

Toph was doubled over now, hearing Sokka's curses reverberating from within the stone.

"You know, you and I could go back to my room with that staff of yours, and…" she began murmuring lowly into the statue's ear.

Tears streaked down Toph's cheeks. Her mirth only doubled when she heard Sokka's desperate screams for help.

"…But I guess you're doomed to remain here, looking all tragic and heroically stoic and stuff," Azula sighed dramatically. Obviously, she wasn't so out of it that she didn't realize the statue wasn't the real deal. "Gods, you suddenly remind me of Zuzu." She stuck a tongue out sourly, then laughed too loud to herself.

"Adieu, my love. Until we meet again, I leave you with a parting kiss." Azula puckered up and leaned in.

And Toph, being Toph, decided to unmask Sokka at the very last minute.

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"What the—" Suki's head snapped toward the bloodcurdling screams.

Ty Lee—who had been facing off with the Kyoshian and was about to engage her in catty fisticuffs as only two skilled warriors fighting over the same man could—forgot all about the duel with Suki as she recognized the two shrill yowls of horrified revulsion from across the reception hall.

Suki apparently knew that sound, too. She relaxed, an arch, contented smile spreading over her face. She bowed shortly to Ty Lee and spun on her heel, whistling as she leisurely walked toward the source of the commotion.

The acrobat sighed, shoulders slumping. "Man, why does Azula get to have all the fun?"


	37. Head On

**Because you asked for it, another random installment of _Til Death Do Us Part_, this chapter written based on popular demand (to get Aang laid)!**

**A quick note: this series is soon coming to a close. After all, weddings can't go on forever. But never fear! There's always more funny to come!**

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**Head On**

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**

When Aang heard Azula's shrill scream in tandem with Sokka's, he purposefully headed _away_ from the source of the noise.

"Avatar Aang!" Someone called.

He turned and blinked. "Professor Zei?"

The bookish scholar weaved around the guests, his head whip lashing around as he marveled at the prestigious partygoers gathered at the Fire Nation palace, the centuries-old architecture of the reception hall, the finery, the costume, the food, and so forth. His eyes, wide as saucers, glowed with pleasure at the lavish splendors all around him, a grin plastered on his face as he mentally recorded and catalogued everything for his latest book: "The Avatar and Me: An Account of the Events Surrounding the Downfall of Fire Lord Ozai and How I Got Trapped and Subsequently Escaped from Wan Shi Tong's Library to Attend the Best Wedding Ever."

Okay, so the title needed work.

"But… I thought you were trapped Wan Shi Tong's Library!" Aang reiterated his bafflement.

"Oh, not so, not so!" The professor withdrew a blueprint of the subterranean library from his overstuffed canvas bag of scrolls, books, and other paper paraphernalia he had brought with him. Zei spread the rolled up parchment over a nearby table and pointed to a few lines and squiggles.

"See, here's a secret passage in and out of the building, clearly marked and easily accessible…" he paused thoughtfully "…which, I suppose doesn't make it a secret passage at all. Except for the sign above the door that read 'Secret Passage.' Hmm. Something for me to fix when I get back."

Aang blinked.

"Funny thing," Zei continued, "That passage is a perfectly straight, comfortable, well-lit underground path from the middle of the desert to the Earth Kingdom capital! Would you believe, it leads right up into the cellar of the best tavern in the middle of Ba Sing Sei? Now I know where that old Owl goes every night."

Aang stared at blueprint, absorbing Zei's revelation, and began rubbing the bridge of his nose tiredly, a desiccated sigh escaping through his teeth.

"Professor Zei? Is that you?" Toph ambled toward him.

"Master Toph! It's so good to see you!" They exchanged pleasantries, and Zei explained how he got his invitation. "Those foxy library helpers, you know," he chuckled. "They'll catalogue anything. If I hadn't been in the 'Wedding Invitations' section that day, I might have missed receiving it altogether."

Toph kept her face neutral

"Right. Listen, gotta go before Sokka and Azula figure out where I am. Also, I hear they put out a fresh strawberry mousse cake," Toph waved goodbye with a waggle of her fingers, paying not a whit of attention to Aang, who had been trying to catch her eye (or feet, he supposed) all night, before she walked away.

Zei couldn't help but remark upon the Avatar's despondent sigh.

"Trouble in paradise?" he asked slyly, nudging him.

Aang stared after his Earthbending teacher, her budding curves standing out in her cream and gold dress. "She won me in a dance competition. I'm supposed to stay on her arm all night, but she won't even _look_ at me. Now I'm kinda… Well… I guess I never really realized how…you know…Toph is."

"Beautiful? Loveable? Hot? Sexy? Erotic as a kitten goddess lapping up milk?" Zei suggested.

"Wha…? No! I mean, _yes_, but…ew, you pervert!" Aang wrinkled his nose at the professor.

"Hey, for the last two years it's just been me, an Owl spirit, and a bunch of dogs, plus four floors of erotica from around the globe," Zei said archly. "Cut me some slack. I'm here to get me some booty, just like everyone else tonight. Speaking of which," he extracted a huge tomb from the bag, all scholarly business once more, "I may be able to help you out with your lady troubles." He handed Aang the leather-bound book.

"'What Women Want: A Guide to Getting A Gal to Gawk at You.'" Aang read aloud. "I think Sokka has the annotated paperback edition of this."

Zei ignored this comment (scholars scorned annotations: they might as well be Reader's Digests) and opened the book to a few dog-eared pages. "I brought this along with me for reference. You never know when this kind of stuff could come in handy."

Aang looked at the first page. "'Playing it cool: Aloofness 101 for Nice Guys.'" He read, and shook his head. "Tried that once before. Doesn't work."

"Hmm. Well, how about this?" He turned the page.

"'1001 Surefire Pickup Lines for 1001 Surefire Girls'" The monk glanced surreptitiously over his shoulder at Jet standing a few feet away. The pretty Earth Kingdom girl he was talking to kicked him in the shin and swept away. "Pass."

Zei flipped through the book once more. "This technique is supposed to be a good one… uh, not that I've tried it."

Aang looked at the diagrams and flinched. "I can't do that! I'm a monk! And what if she…" he mimed out what he was most afraid of, cupping his crotch protectively at the thought.

"Hmm. You're probably right. Plus, she's an Earthbender, so…" the professor mimed out what Aang had, and added a few painful-looking Earthbending flourishes.

They shuddered together.

"Professor Zei, is that you?" Katara, arm in arm with Zuko, joined the two. The scholar greeted the royal newlyweds with a bow and got caught up.

"Oh, and this is for you," he handed them a small book bound in red leather with gilded pages. "Congratulations on your nuptials."

"Ooh!" Katara's eyes widened at the pretty shiny. "It's so beautiful, it's…" she opened the book to a random page, her eyes growing huge and her cheeks going crimson. She snapped it shut.

"It's a signed first edition," Zei nodded appreciatively, "and very educational. Not that I've read all of it. Just looked at the pictures, mostly. I didn't know the human body was even capable of that kind of flexibility. Really gives a whole new meaning to the term 'bending'…"

"I'm sure it'll come in handy on Friday nights. Thank you, Professor," Zuko said with a wicked look for his blushing bride as he took the little book out of Katara's hands and tucked it into his pocket.

"So, what were you two talking about before we interrupted?" Katara asked, a little flustered.

"Oh, the Avatar here was just discussing methods by which he might attract Master Toph's atten—" Aang, red-faced, waved him off emphatically. Zei stuttered and flailed. "That is, he was…trying…to…uh…attract…mas…magnetic…uh…magnetic…tophs magnetic isotopes…"

Zuko looked over at his best man. "You sly dog. Looking to get hitched yourself now? And to Toph, no less. I should've known."

"Oh Aang, that's so sweet!" Katara hugged him, and the young monk looked distinctly uncomfortable under Zuko's unwavering yellow gaze, the sparks of jealousy crackling off him dissipating only when his wife released him. "I hope it works out for you."

"Well, therein lies the dilemma," Zei expounded. "It seems the Avatar has no idea how to attract a woman. I've been offering him tips from my reference manual but—"

"Professor Zei!" King Bumi came shuffling arthritically up. "I haven't seen you for years!" They chatted it up. "What's going on?"

"Aang wants to get laid," Zuko stated.

"By Toph," Zei added, giving up the pretense of hiding the Avatar's secret.

"We're trying to give him advice on how to win her over." Katara explained.

"Hmm, wanna win over an Earthbender, eh?" Bumi cackled at the young Avatar. "I knew you had Earth fever."

Humiliation and indignity tinted Aang's cheeks a shade redder.

"Have you tried flowers?" Katara asked. "All girls like flowers."

"Not Toph." Zuko shook his head. "She has allergy issues, or something."

"Nothing says love quite like a genamite creeping crystal rock candy ring!" Bumi chimed in. "After all, she's a very SWEET girl who can really GROW on you!"

_Cough._

Zei produced another book. "Poetry! Nothing's more romantic than verse. Like this classic:

A pretty young thing from Omashu  
Wore petticoats that you could wash, too.  
One wet, stormy day,  
She left out her stays,  
And now it's a dress you can see through."

There was no uncomfortable cough that time. Even Bumi kept his mouth shut at the distinctly foul—and by foul, he meant BAD—limerick.

"Honesty's always a good policy," Katara said. A head popped up behind her.

"Catch her a tiger seal," Bato suggested.

"…Make her a hat…" The Duke said.

"…No, set off some fireworks!..." Chey cried.

"…Need to borrow my Xirxiu?..."

"—Melons! Sweet juicy melons!..."

"…Build her her own island!..."

"Oh, just kiss her and be done with it!" Iroh huffed, passing the ever-growing congregation of advice-givers with a loaded plate of desserts from the buffet.

Aang carefully backed out of the throng of well-wishing advisors as they continued to argue about the best way to get a girl's attention. Mind you, half of them had no idea what was going on, and the other half didn't seem to realize the young monk was barely 115 and as awkward as a newborn hopping llama skating on thin ice. Toph, meanwhile, had the poise and grace of a lady twice her age, plus all the grit and obstinacy of a woman twice Gran-Gran's age. How was he supposed to contend with that?

He snuck off to a quiet corner and let out a long breath in relief and despair.

"Hey," Zuko leaned up against the wall next to his best man, smirking as he watched the group duke it out. Chalk it up to his ex-stalker to find him when no one else could.

The Fire Lord chuckled quietly. "Toph."

Aang's face puckered. "Don't laugh! I bet I have more fangirls than _you _now! Why, I...I bet I could have anyone in this room, if I really wanted!"

The Firebender rolled his eyes, his expression speaking for him: _no one_ had more fangirls than Zuko did. "I'm not laughing at you. Well, I am, but not for the reason you think."

Aang looked nonplussed.

"Katara's expecting me to give you some kind of mano-a-mano, be your wingman or something, and help get you hooked up. But Toph… well, you already know her, and you have an established relationship." He scratched his head. "I don't actually know how she expects me to help you. Flirting's not really my area of expertise."

"But… you flirted with Katara lots," Aang pointed out.

"Constantly trying to kill each other doesn't count." Zuko said. "Although, some people _do_ consider that foreplay..." He rubbed his jaw thoughtfully.

"Anyhow," the Firebender shook his head, storing _those_ ideas for later, "I only have one piece of advice for you. If you're going to make your move, you're going to have to play by Toph's rules."

"_Her _rules? What does that even _mean?_" Aang asked, befuddled.

"Well, she was your Earthbending teacher for over a year. Surely you must have learned _something_ about her that will help you figure out the puzzle that is Toph Beifong."

Aang thought hard.

A lantern lit above his bald head.

"I got it!"

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Master Toph "The Blind Bandit" Beifong was discussing the finer points of Earth Rumble fighting—specifically, the difference between hitting a guy with a rock, and hitting a guy with a rock _really hard_—with a group of young Earthbending men when she felt feather-light steps marching steadily her way.

_Twinkle Toes,_ she smiled to herself, but did not react as Aang reined in next to her. Instead, she continued talking to the benders, who seemed quite smitten with her.

"Hey Toph," Aang's voice was full of steel. "Can I talk to you a minute?"

She stopped her lecture. "Not now, Aang, can't you see I'm busy?"

She felt him shuffle his feet, pivot on his heel and start to shamble away. But he stopped and spun again, reaching her in two definitive strides. He grabbed her hand.

"Excuse me, _boys_," he growled to Toph's admirers and yanked the young woman away, dragging her to the far corner.

"What do you think you're doing?" Toph snapped when they reached a private alcove, "Can't you see I was—"

She didn't have time to protest any further as the Avatar, master of all the elements, her student, her friend, kissed her senseless.

For a minute there, Toph thought she could see.

His warm, moist mouth suddenly pulled away from hers, and she gasped at the cool air brushing her swollen lips. "Whoa." She reeled a little and fell back against the wall, breathless. "Uh…"

"So… what do you think?" Aang asked sheepishly.

"I…" Toph cleared the frog from her throat. "What was that?"

Aang rubbed his scalp and cleared his throat. "I decided to meet the challenge head on, just like you taught me. No different angle, no clever solution, and no trickety-trick. I just…went for it."

"Oh."

That was all she was going to say? _Oh?_

"So… uh… you wanna go… do… an activity together? At a place…for some time…?" Even as he used Sokka's patented cringeworthy pickup line, Aang could feel the steel in his resolve turn to jelly along with his spine.

But Toph didn't turn away from him, or call him names or point and laugh. She grinned, and her cheeks went a little pink. "Actually, Aang, there are _some _subtleties I don't mind you practicing. Romance requires a _lot _more finesse than Earthbending, you know."

"It does?"

Toph managed not to laugh sarcastically. "C'mon. Follow me to the coatroom, and I'll show you."

As they walked off hand in hand, Iroh, standing in one corner and watching the youngsters while munching on a cream puff, snickered.

"Hmph. Told ya so." He popped the pastry into his mouth and let the sweet cream flood his senses.


	38. A Quickie and A Cure

**Hey y'all, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you for 1000+ reviews! I'm happy to be bringing a chuckle to your throats and to be decorating your monitors and keyboards with whatever you happen to be noshing on as you choke on your own guffaws. Your drink-and-food-spattered computer consoles make me grin…and grimace with disgust.**

**As about 40 percent of the entries have been inspired by comments and suggestions you all have written to me, I want to thank you all for fuelling my brain along the way. Storybender started it, and everyone else helped it along with all their crazy ideas! More recently, I've been getting comments that sound like the following:**

"**I love this fic, but I wanna read more Zutara! Write some more Zuko/Katara scenes!"**

"**Why is there so much of everyone else in this story? I thought it was a Zutara fic!"**

"**Waah waah more fluff waah waah waah. Waah waah need more Zuko and Katara waah waaaaaah!"**

**Well, you asked for it, and so you shall receive!**

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**A Quickie and a Cure**

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"So, how are you holding up?"

Katara looked wanly into her darling husband's eyes and smiled. "Tired. But happy."

Zuko snaked his arms around her waist and nuzzled her, kissing her neck delicately. "If you want, we don't have to stick around here," he murmured huskily. "I am the Fire Lord, after all. I don't have to be _here_ to have fun…if you know what I mean." He waggled an eyebrow (his only eyebrow) at her suggestively.

The Waterbender giggled and pushed him gently off. "No, we should stay. I mean, look at all these people here. They traveled hundred of miles here to see _us_. They're here for _us_. The least we can do is stick around for our own party."

"They came for the free food and…er… entertainment." Zuko looked over at Chong and the Nomads, who were currently dueling sitars with Jee and the Waveriders. He shook his head. "C'mon," he coaxed. "Ten minutes in the bridal suite, and we can come back. I promise you won't regret it…" His voice trailed off seductively as he bent again to nibble on her earlobe, the tip of his tongue dancing over the curve of her jaw. Goose bumps licked up and down the Water girl's skin and she purred with a delightful shiver.

But Katara's libido came to a screeching halt as sudden realization hit her.

"Wait, did…did you just say _ten_ minutes?" Her brow wrinkled in disappointed puzzlement.

"I can make it seven," Zuko said proudly. "Four, if you take your top off."

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Iroh felt a distinctive headache coming on. He rubbed at the stabbing, burning sensation boring at his temples and moaned. He'd only felt this particular pain a few other times in his life. Among his earliest experiences, he'd had this headache:

1. when Zuko had declared he'd save Katara from the pirates and subsequently (and heedlessly) proceeded to seduce her;  
2. when Zuko had completely ignored Jun's suggestion that Katara was his runaway girlfriend, not even denying the allegation; and  
3. when Zuko had refused help from Katara after Azula had injured Iroh (because there's nothing wrong with letting the people who love you help you.)

And then there were those other times over the past few years. Like that time Katara asked Zuko to go skinny dipping, and he had asked his uncle to come along. Or that time Katara had coyly suggested Zuko give her a pearl necklace for her birthday…and he actually gave her a string of freshwater pearls.

("But I got her exactly what she wanted!" Zuko exclaimed in bewilderment. "And they weren't cheap, let me tell you." Iroh could only shake his head in defeat.)

His head throbbed at the memories. Yes, the retired general confirmed it; this was the kind of pain only complete and utter cluelessness could bring on. And now, it was attacking him with a vengeance.

The old man muttered a curse and went in search of his nephew to administer the cure to this particular kind of headache.

He found Zuko with Katara, her face a study of disgust, dismay and bemusement. The elderly Firebender sidled up next to the groom, who beamed at his wife, oblivious.

Iroh reached out and smacked him sharply upside the head.

"OW!"

His headache cleared. "Ahh. Much better."

He waddled away.


	39. To Alcohol!

**Warning: yucky puke ahead. Also, what's with the rulers? Why don't they work?  
(...No, I don't mean the administrative efficacy of the Fire Lord's newly appointed ministers of fun, animal riding, and boomerang trade.)  
**

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"**To Alcohol: The Cause of, and Solution To, All of Life's Problems"**

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**

_I'd rather have a beer  
Than win "Father of the Year"_

_- Homer Simpson_

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**Meanwhile, somewhere else in the enormous Fire Nation palace…**

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_

The guards taking the semi-conscious Ozai back to his cell got a lovely surprise when dinner suddenly made an encore appearance on their boots.

"Ooh, GROSS!" One guard yelled, flinging the ex-Fire Lord's left arm away. Ozai dropped to the ground and proceeded to heave up another pile of richly wine-saturated food. The guard holding his right arm grimaced, but staunchly refused to let go.

The other two guards wrinkled their noses in disgust. One went to find a servant to come and clean up the mess in the hallway and get a bucket, though by the sheer amount their prisoner was puking up, they'd need something much bigger.

"For Agni's sake, how much did this guy drink?" Guard one asked, shaking the detritus off his foot.

"Well, last I counted, he had about eight bottles of wine before smoking up with the hippies," Guard Two said. He had gathered Ozai's hair from around his face and was holding it out of the potted plant the Firebender had somehow managed to crawl to. "Before that, he'd had some cocktails, a few shots, and I think I saw him having some beer with King Bumi."

Ozai loudly spewed forth another gout of chunky red-brown vomit. Guard Two took a ribbon from his pocket and tied the ex-Fire Lord's hair up, then left him to cling to the edge of the terra cotta pot on his own.

"I almost feel sorry for him," Guard Three said, wrinkling his nose. "Almost."

"You shouldn't. If it weren't for the Firebending suppressant, he'd have killed us all by now," Guard One said grimly.

Ozai heaved, the contents of his stomach overflowing from the potted plant. The twelve courses of rich gourmet fusion cooking came up backwards, starting with dessert, and flowing all the way back to pre-dinner cocktails. If one looked carefully, they might even see breakfast in that mess. But one would not choose to look too carefully.

Guard Two snickered. "You should have seen Zuko on his first night of drunkenness. Just after the war ended and we had that big party, I had to help drag him up to his room." The narrative was briefly interrupted by loud moan from the prone drunk. "Of course, Miss— pardon me, _Fire Lady_ Katara went to nurse him that night. Totally inappropriate for a peasant girl to be visiting the new Fire Lord alone in his chambers, but you could tell they were in love even back then."

"Even if they were constantly trying to kill each other," One nodded in agreement.

Three snapped his fingers. "Hey, I was there that night on guard duty around the corner from Zuko's room. I gave her directions." The other two guards stared at him. "What? It's not like I could have said no to a war hero, much less a healer! And besides, there's no better way to work off a hangover than with a tall, cool drink of Water, know what I mean?" Three made nudge-nudge-wink-wink motions and began humping the air vulgarly.

One smacked him hard in the back of the head, knocking the man's helmet askew. "I tell you, the royal family doesn't hold their liquor well."

"The male side, anyhow. Princess Azula drinks like a fish." Two said thoughtfully.

"Not Zuko. That night, he had two coolers and a shot of cactus spirit and he was _wasted_."

"Coolers?" Three sniggered.

"Hey, he was pretty straight-edge up until that night. From what I hear, he almost never drank on that little boat of his. Now, he takes a nightcap every night to get to bed."

"The stresses of ruling a nation, eh?"

"That, or having Sokka for a brother-in-law."

"Or Princess Azula in your gene pool. Hell, I'm not related to her and she still drives me to drink."

The three guards nodded sagely as Ozai continued to barf.

"Man, is he still going?"

"There was a lot to eat."

"Where's Li?"

"Gone to get someone to clean this up, I guess." Two gestured at the pools of rancid, multi-coloured sick everywhere.

Ozai heaved, but this time, only clear liquid came up.

"Oh good. Looks like he's near the end of it."

"Thank gods. The janitor is not going to like this."

"The rugs have just been shampooed, too."

"Crap."

The prisoner's body undulated as he dry heaved, but nothing came up. Ozai leaned heavily against the wall, panting, looking like he'd just been trampled by a stampeding herd of ostrich-horses.

"Get him some water or something."

"He'll get it when we bring him back to his cell. He'll need a lot of water. Some plain bread will help him soak up the alcohol in his stomach, too."

"I hear you should add a teaspoon of salt to the water. For better absorption or something like that."

"Willowbark tea. That's the answer to all hangovers."

"Tomato juice always does it for me."

"Really? I always go for orange juice."

"I don't like sweet things after I've had a lot to drink."

The guards were so busy discussing hangover cures that they didn't notice their prisoner slowly getting to his feet.

"He really shouldn't have been mixing drinks to begin with. What's that rhyme? 'Beer before liquor… get drunk quicker'?"

"No, no, it's 'Beer before liquor, couldn't be sicker.'" Two said.

"'Liquor before beer, you're in the clear.'" One parroted back happily.

"How about, 'Don't watch your prisoners, and you're dead?'" Ozai said lowly.

The three guards turned, eyes widening in horror as ex-Fire Lord Ozai gave them a sinister grin, his hands filled with fire.

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**Duhn-Duhn-DUHNNNN! (I promise I'm putting this series to bed soon. ****Can't you tell by the building climax?****)  
**


	40. The Climax

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**The Climax**

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**

The Avatar was baffled. He had outwitted Admiral Zhao, outsmarted the Zhang and Gan jin tribes into making peace with each other, solved the mystery of Hei Bai the rampaging forest spirit, figured out how to destroy Sozin's comet, and even determined who had been peeing in Appa's litter lately (turns out it wasn't Momo, but the angry hog monkey Aang had tried to give to Zuko for his bachelor party. Apparently, the indignant creature wanted revenge, and had managed to hitch a ride over the last three weeks, eluding detection by burrowing into Appa's voluminous hair.)

Yes, the Avatar had solved many mysteries and conundrums in his time, but now he was stumped. Thoroughly flabbergasted. Entirely bewildered. And perplexed as no other Avatar in the past had ever been perplexed.

He didn't know how it had happened, but _somehow_, _someway_, during his highly anticipated trip to the coatroom with his kittenish Earthbending teacher, Toph had turned into Azula.

"C'mon Aang, I promise you'll enjoy it," Azula purred, tugging on Aang's arm, dragging him toward the coatroom.

"No, really, it's okay, I don't need a… a…" He couldn't bring himself to repeat Azula's graphic offer.

"But I saved you from my brother and father," she pouted. "And now I'm out two hundred gold pieces. Surely I get some form of gratitude in return?"

"I'm sure the Orphans of War really appreciate your donation." The Avatar squirmed.

Her eyes blazed with electric blue fire. "Screw the orphans! I want YOU, Aang, and you're not going to get away from me this time!" the Fire Nation princess slithered around him, the frills, fur and lace of her bedraggled dress clinging to the young monk like nettles to Appa's coat. Her fingernails bit into his skin as she gripped his wrist and yanked him toward the coatroom.

Just then, an anxious-looking guard rushed in. His wild eyes scanned the crowd and landed squarely on him.

"Avatar!" He grabbed the boy by the shoulders. "We need your help! Ozai has escaped!"

The monk was overjoyed with relief. "Lead the way!" he declared, and bounded away from the drunken, horny royal.

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Katara couldn't help but smile as she watched Aang escape Azula's clutches yet again. Of course, her maid of honour was almost as determined—if not moreso—than her husband. If 'Zula really wanted him—and she did—then Katara had no doubt that poor Aang would eventually succumb to the princess's bed, if only to get it over with. She quirked her lips and pondered who she should root for.

As Aang disappeared out the side exit, she wondered briefly what the guard had said to whisk him away like that. Maybe the soldier had felt sorry for the distressed Avatar and had given him a way out of Azula's hold.

The new Fire Lady giggled to herself and glanced over at her husband just as another guard scurried up to him and whispered something in the Fire Lord's ear. Zuko went rigid, his spine snapping into a taut line perpendicular to the grim, horizontal slit of his mouth. He nodded stiffly and made his way over to his uncle, then bent at the waist and said something in the rotund old Firebender's ear. Iroh fumbled and dropped his drink. The plate of cream puffs he held clattered noisily to the ground, and the little pastries rolled off in all directions to be firmly squashed underfoot.

His face said it all…and it wasn't saying "damn, I spilled my margarita."

Katara felt all the blood drain from her face, and she put a hand over her mouth.

_Oh no._

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_

The newlyweds stood with the elder Firebender, their heads together conspiratorially.

"We can't send everyone home yet," Zuko said decisively in a stage whisper. "Father will try to escape as everyone piles out."

"How did this happen?" Katara asked, worrying the sleeve cuffs of her robes.

"Ozai must have planned this. He drank until his body couldn't hold anymore, and threw up everything, including the Firebending suppressant," Iroh surmised. "His bloodstream is full of it, but the capsules were probably ejected. His power will be significantly diminished, but he's still strong enough to do quite a lot of damage. Our best course of action now is to wait until we hear from Avatar Aang, who's out looking for him."

"Damn it, I just _knew_ the open bar was a bad idea!" Zuko scowled.

Iroh looked around, seeing if anyone had heard him, and plastered on a wide, plastic grin. "We'll just have to play it cool and pretend nothing's wrong. We'll all be safe here together in the reception hall. As long as no one says anything out loud, we can prevent mass panic."

An ear-piercing shriek from Azula shattered the joyful din. "ZUZU! DADDY'S ESCAPED AND HE'S GOING TO KILL US ALL!"

Screams erupted.

Above that, the sound of three palms slamming into three foreheads rang out.

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Aang sprinted through the palace, riding the wind to the place where Ozai had last been seen. They found the three guards who had been watching him, now smeared against the wall, sooty and unconscious, but not quite dead. There was no trace of the fugitive ex-Fire Lord.

"How did this happen?" He asked of Captain Li, the head of Ozai's escort.

"He started throwing up. I left to get a clean up crew. He must have ejected enough of the Firebending suppressant to get back the use of his bending powers." Li said in clipped tones.

He grimaced, seeing the smeared puddles of vomit on the ground. "Okay. So where would he go?"

"Ozai knows this palace better than anyone. He knows where all the secret passages are and where they lead. For all I know, he could be at the harbour by now."

The Avatar let forth a string of unmonklike curses.

"We have the walls on high alert, and everyone has been roused to search the palace top to bottom. The secret passages that we do know of are being scoured and guarded."

Aang chewed his lip. "So…if everyone's on the lookout for Ozai…what am I out here for?"

Li opened his mouth but balked. "Uh… you know, I'm not sure. It's just… well, you're the Avatar. You're supposed to be able to help fix things like this."

Aang blinked. "Wait. You said everyone is out searching for Ozai?"

"Every last guard."

"So…who's protecting the guests?"

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"You gotta be kidding me."

Azula, Iroh, Katara and Zuko stood together, readying for the fight of their life as the crowd parted to reveal a very angry ex-Fire Lord stalking toward them. If Ozai had looked scary when Sozin's comet had come, then he was terrifying now, still mostly drunk, high, raving, and _on fire_. How the flames wreathing his entire muscled body failed to consume his pants was a miracle.

("It's a Firebender thing," Iroh explained later. "Don't ask.")

Every step left a flaming footprint on the cold marble floor (because there was that much alcohol spilled on it). Ozai growled as he advanced to the front of the reception hall unimpeded, sounding like a slavering wolf-bat cornering its prey.

"C'mon Ozai, don't be like this," King Bumi wheedled from one side. "We were all having such a nice time."

Angry yellow eyes snapped his way. "Shut the hell up, you senile old codger!" Ozai howled. "And by the way: I HATE your hat. I was just humoring you when I said it made you look taller!"

Bumi's shoulders slumped, his lower lip trembling.

"Ozai, we're warning you. Not a step closer." Pakku, Sokka, Bato and Hakoda all darted in between the royals and the ex-Fire Lord. Haru, Tyro, and Toph surrounded them on the left side, while Captain Jee, Jet and his Freedom Fighters, and a bunch of other side characters that everyone knew and wished they could see more of, flanked their right.

"You can't beat us all, Dad." Zuko said evenly. "You're outnumbered a thousand to one."

"I don't need to beat all of you," Ozai laughed lowly. "Just you, son. You, and your traitorous sister, and my stupid tea-toting brother. I might also take a swing at your lovely peasant wife, since I'm at it."

Zuko gritted his teeth. _"Don't touch her."_

Ozai snarled. "The Fortuneteller said my family would betray me someday. I _knew_ I should have listened to her and killed you all when I had the chance."

"Hey, hey, hey, whoa now, don't blame me." Aunt Wu held her hands up defensively. "I just call 'em like I see 'em."

"We didn't betray anyone. It was _you_ who betrayed us, betrayed the whole nation, in your lust for power!" Iroh declared righteously.

"Yeah, Dad. And you weren't exactly the most supportive parent at my dance recitals, either." Azula added, sulking.

"You ungrateful brats. I should have gutted you both from your bitch of a mother's womb when I knew she was with child." Ozai spat, the hot flames around his body flaring to an inferno.

_Ouch._ Azula, once the tart apple of her deranged father's eye, actually _flinched_. Zuko, used to Dad's nasty remarks, was nonetheless sore about the stab at their absentee mother.

The ex-Fire Lord took a stance. He was really going to do it. Ozai was going to attack his family in a room full of the world's most powerful fighters and benders, all of them against him.

Time seemed to slow to molasses. Everyone inhaled as the ex-Fire Lord recoiled his arm—

And promptly fell to the ground.

For the span of a heartbeat, the crowd held its breath. The air was stiller than fog in the swamp, high-strung with bewildering tension. The wedding guests slowly turned to look at the one standing in Ozai's place.

"And just who," her voice was smooth and scathing, "are you calling a _bitch?_"

The royal Fire siblings gaped at the tall woman tapping a full magnum of champagne lightly against her palm. She stood over the unconscious ex-Fire Lord, glaring down at him with the force of a million suns. Agni himself would have shrunk from that glower.

Zuko's mouth went dry.

"M-Mom?"

Ursa looked up, arching one shapely eyebrow. "Didn't I tell you Zuko? You mess with a mommy's babies…" she slammed the bottle firmly against her open palm. "CHOMP!"


	41. The Return

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**The Return**

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**

A gazillion questions fought for dominance on Zuko's tongue. _Where have you been?_ and _How did you get here?_ fought equally with _Have you eaten yet?_ and _Do you want me to get you a drink?_ Here was the woman missing from his life, the woman who had abandoned him when he needed her most, leaving only an enigmatic whispered message in the hazy night to remember her by.

He stared silently at her, finally finding his voice.

"What… How…?" Zuko stuttered.

Ursa smilingly handed her makeshift club to a servant and smoothed her hands over her simple red and gold robes. Zuko regarded her warily. It was his mother, no doubt, unchanged but for a few sun lines on her face. And yet she seemed different somehow. Taller. Bigger.

Or perhaps it was he who had changed. Zuko had given up on finding Ursa so long ago that he had almost banished her from his dreams and nightmares entirely. And now here she stood, looking almost exactly as she had nearly nine years ago, like some specter from the past.

She stepped over her estranged husband's body, being none too careful about kicking him on the way over.

"I'm sorry I've been away so long, Zuko," she approached him and wrapped her arms around her grown son, now half a head taller than she. He smelled her perfume and was instantly filled with nostalgia, his mind flooding with unbidden memories of afternoons feeding turtleducks, nights of lullabies…

Something inside the young Fire Lord shattered. It didn't matter why she had left, or where she had gone to. His mother had come home.

"Mom…" he sobbed once, and clung tightly to her, letting his tears of joy and sadness flow freely down his face.

The wedding guests melted with an audible, "Aww."

When they broke apart, the ex-Fire Lady-cum-Fire Matron took in her surroundings. She looked about, smiling, and found the man she was looking for tottering toward her. Zuko was reluctant to let go of his mother's elbow, afraid that if he did, she might evaporate like a dream.

"Iroh," her eyes sparkled as she took the old general's calloused hands. "Thank you for watching over my son." She bowed low.

The old man kissed Zuko's mother's clasped hands reverently. "I did not know if the messenger hawks would find you in time for this day: we've been searching for you for a long time. I will have to order extra carrion as a reward for those magnificent birds."

"I don't understand...Mom, where have you been all this time?" Zuko managed numbly.

Ursa put a finger on his lips, a mischievous glint to her eye. "Shh. If I told you, it'd be non-canon."

"What?"

"Nothing. Let's just say I've been…traveling." She left it at that, and Zuko shook his head, trying to clear it of the haze that seemed cloud his mind any time someone said the word "canon."

Must be PTSD, he reasoned, shrugging the feeling away and hugging his mother once more for good measure.

Ursa beamed. Everyone did.

Except for Azula. She snorted and looked away in disgust, snatching up a martini and downing it, olives and all, in one long gulp.

"Momma's boy," she muttered, swiping her mouth with the back of her hand. Ursa pulled away from her son and turned her attention to her daughter.

"Azula," she stepped softly to her, and the princess glowered at her estranged mother. "My sweet little girl. Look at you… you…" she stopped. "Oh my. What on earth are you wearing?"

The princess snorted in disgust, not bothering to dignify that with an answer. Wasn't it obvious by now that something so horrifically fug-ugly could only be a bridesmaid's gown?

Ursa shook her head and smiled at her daughter. "You've grown so much."

"Can it, Mom." Azula snarled and stepped away from the woman's outstretched arms. "I know you're here for Zuzu. I don't need you, and I never did."

"Oh…sweety," Ursa's eyes softened, unshed tears makign them bright. "I love you so much. I didn't play favorites, you know, but you were always so strong, so fiercely independent. You didn't need me like Zuko did. You never seemed to want to. And now look at you," she reached out and caressed her daughter's cheek. Azula flinched, but could not pull away. "You made the right choice. You helped your brother defeat your father. You were loyal to your country and to your family, broken as it was."

"I did it for _me_," Azula muttered, though she didn't sound convinced by her own assertion.

The woman continued on, refusing to let her daughter push her away. "I love you, Azula. Your father knew it, tried to take you away from me, to make you more like him, but he didn't. He didn't…" Ursa gently wrapped her arms around the princess, who stiffened in her hold.

Azula looked distressed. "Mom, stop it… Mom…" she choked. "Stop it! Mom, please… please stop… let go of me… let go of me! I don't deserve…" the words died on her tongue and huge tears blackened with mascara overflowed from the princess's eyes. "Oh, Mom…"

And as though some horrible floodgate had opened within her, Azula began bawling like a little girl. Her mother hugged her tighter as the sobs shook the young woman who had always been bitter about the love and affection her big brother had received; love and affection she had never allowed herself to accept because she was "the strong one." Her father had always insisted she was the better of his two offspring, the one who would take the throne, and to ensure that legacy, he had turned her against the "weaker" half of the family. The half she yearned to be a part of, the half that had always been stronger than her because they were together, united by love…

Slowly, the venom of her early years slipped out of the princess through her long-held tears, soaking Ursa's simple but elegant robes.

All around, the wedding guests were moved, but distinctly uncomfortable with Azula's overloud lamenting for her poisoned, over-privileged childhood.

(_Poor little misunderstood evil-bitch princess,_ they clucked in the sewing circles later that week. _All she needed was a hug_.)

After a while, Ursa held her daughter away and wiped her tears, kissing her sweetly on the forehead with promises of long mother-to-daughter talks later. The maid of honour's makeup was irrevocably ruined, her fugly dress entire unsalvageable now (thank the gods) but for once, Azula didn't seem to care how she looked. She smiled a disturbingly honest smile.

"Mom," Zuko said eagerly, touching Ursa's shoulder, "I want you to meet someone."

The Firebender drew the bride forward. "This is Katara of the Southern Water Tribe. My wife."

Katara stepped forward, feeling her entire body break into a cold sweat. She had faced Fire Nation invasion forces, angry mobs, giant unagi eels, twisting tunnels of doom, swamp monsters, and the mighty fury of the Avatar state, but nothing was as terrifying as meeting her mother-in-law, who Katara had assumed would not be a part of her life with Zuko at all.

Nuts.

Ursa tilted her head to one side, regarding her son's choice calmly. She smiled tightly as the girl awkwardly bowed at the waist to show her respect in Fire Nation tradition.

"Welcome to the family, Katara," she said a little wryly, and glanced down at her husband's body, "such as it is."

Ursa did not step forward to embrace her, her whole demeanor suddenly frigid as she looked over her son's wife. Katara took this non-gesture as evidence that she had yet to prove to this woman that she was good enough for her son. The Waterbender returned the tight smile and stepped silently back to Zuko's side.

Blissfully unaware of the underlying significance of his wife and mother's exchange, (Iroh felt that headache coming on again and chalked it up to the champagne), Zuko introduced the other members of the wedding party, and the key guests who were within sight. Most of the other partygoers had decided to head for the open bar, the drama of the night finally taking its toll on their nerves.

At that moment, Aang burst in, panic writ large over his face. "Guys! Ozai's on the loose and…oh." He spotted the ex-Fire Lord on the ground and deflated. "Never mind."

Zuko beckoned to the monk. "Mom, my best man, Avatar Aang."

Aang blinked owlishly. He looked at Zuko, then at Ursa, then at Azula's grinning face beneath the ruined makeup, then at Katara's thoughtful demureness, then at Zuko again. "Did I… miss something?"

It was only then that Ozai decided to return to the land of the conscious. He groaned and sat up. The congregation gasped and stepped back. The Avatar jumped, but held his ground, preparing for Aang & Co. vs. Ozai, II: the Royal Rumble.

But he didn't need to. Ursa removed herself from her son's protective grasp and stepped toward the ex-Fire Lord.

"Ozai," her voice was loud and cold, like a slap to the face. Ozai looked up at her and yelped in surprise.

"Ursa!" He sputtered, smoothing down his disheveled hair. "My…uh…wife! How I've…" he swallowed "…missed you."

"And I, you, my husband," Ursa said tersely, folding her arms over her chest, "So tell me, exactly, _how_ it is my son ended up with that burn mark?"

Ozai dithered. "Well, it's a funny thing… you know kids, they get into everything, and Zuko wasn't looking where he was going…"

Outraged, Zuko could only splutter in indignation, but his mother stopped him.

"Don't you try to lie to me, Ozai. I know _exactly_ what happened. _And_ I know what happened the night after Lu Ten was killed, and about the conversation you had with Fire Lord Azulon." Her eyes flickered to Iroh.

Ozai paled. "You… knew?"

"Why else did you think I left?" Her frown deepened.

"You told me you were going out to get cigarettes," Ozai mumbled, "I thought it was kinda funny at the time, since you don't smoke…"

But Ursa was smoking now. Thin trails of dark grey vapour rose from her fists, and she snorted a very unladylike gout of flame through her flaring nostrils and clenched teeth.

Like mother, like son.

"Ozai, you have disgraced our family, scarred my son, wronged my daughter, committed treason against the Fire Nation, against your own brother, against the crown, and against the sacred memory of your own father and the generations before him!" She pointed a finger accusingly at the man kneeling before her. "To undo the damage you have done, to restore the honour our family has lost, I challenge you… AGNI KAI! AT SUNRISE!"

(Insert collective gasp here.)

Ozai went even paler. "No!"

But Ursa didn't wait for a response. She spun on her heel and was making her way out, chin held high, a slight smirk worming into her lips. Zuko, Azula, and Iroh watched her make her way to the bar, where she ordered a glass of champagne and proceeded to flirt with the pirates gathering around her.

"No! Please!" Ozai blithered again. His eyes were wide and wild, as if this were the worst thing that could happen to him.

Iroh snickered. "Ooh, you're in BIG trouble now, little brother."

The Fire siblings looked over at their uncle for an explanation, which he happily provided. "Ursa was a great Firebender, better than your father. She even gave _me_ a run for my money," the old general sighed wistfully. "He forbade her to practice, though, because she kept defeating him in the sparring arena, embarrassing him in front of everyone. That was just a little before Zuko was born. I imagine all this time away from home has given her a chance to practice again."

The siblings gaped. They had no idea their mother was a Firebender. Iroh looked at Azula archly. "What? You didn't think you inherited your prodigious skills from your father, did you?"

"Zuko!" Ozai practically crawled to his son's side. "My son, my beautiful, powerful son…"

Zuko extracted his sleeve from his father's desperate clutch in disgust. "Ew, Dad, stop it!"

"You're the Fire Lord now—only you have the authority to revoke Ursa's challenge," he said quickly, his face plastered with a plastic simper. "Show your poor father some mercy…"

Zuko went still. "Mercy?" he whispered. He flushed with rage. "MERCY?"

"Wrong thing to say, Daddy," Azula had found another martini and was sipping it leisurely.

"I didn't execute you at the end of the war. I invited you to my wedding, only to have you ruin it by threatening to hurt my wife. I have shown you more mercy than you have ever shown anyone in your entire life!" There weren't enough words to describe Zuko's fury.

"My son—"

Zuko cut him off. "Shut up, Dad. You will face Ursa in Agni Kai, as she has decreed. You will be given the chance to reclaim your honour. That is as much mercy as I will dispense."

Ozai's smile vanished, his face twisting into a snarl more suited to his features. "Ungrateful boy. Obviously you have learned nothing about showing your father some respect!"

But instead of rising to the bait, Zuko turned coolly, confidently, gently taking his worried wife by the arm and caressing her cheek in reassurance. "You will fight, Ozai," he said simply, not looking at him. "It is not _I_ who needs to learn the lessons of respect, but _you_." He took one step away from his father, back turned, before adding, over his shoulder, "You _will_ learn respect. And suffering will be your teacher."

Iroh hooted. "Aw, SNAP!"

Zuko gestured grandly for the guards to "take him away!" A quickly deflating Ozai was ferried off by a dozen guards to be sequestered in some remote room in the palace to prepare for the Agni Kai he would inevitably lose to his estranged wife.

The young Fire Lord, standing with his beaming wife, inebriated sister, and proud uncle, felt lighter and taller and more complete than ever. He took a deep, cleansing breath in, held it, and relaxed. He gazed at his mother across the way, her presence as warm and reassuring as it had always been…even if she was being eyed by a group of salty seamen, rogue benders, and an eclectic audience of male admirers. After all, in a few short hours, she'd be a widow.

"Zuko?" Katara tugged on his sleeve, reminding him of where he was, why he was here, who she was. He smiled down at her and playfully kissed her on the tip of her nose.

"C'mon, Katara. I haven't had a dance with you yet." And he led her onto the dance floor.


	42. Mingling: How Ursa Got Her Groove Back

**I know it's been a while since I updated this story, but with the new episodes, I just had to wait and see who/what I could play with. But now I'm too impatient to just finish this series so I can concentrate on some other pieces I've been working on. This is the second to last chapter of this series (and probably not as funny as Mingling III, but meh, they can't all be gems). Hope you enjoy!  
**

* * *

**Mingling: How Ursa Got Her Groove Back  
**

* * *

Katara leaned her head on Zuko's shoulder, breathing in his scent, filling her senses with the knowledge that she and her husband were now inseparable, his family reunited, her own nearby. They swayed on the sea of music washing around them, a human island; isolated and alone together, no matter what else happened. 

"This is nice," she murmured, raising her chin to kiss his jaw, and he smiled into her hair. "Can all our nights be like this?"

"Not all of our nights, I hope," he said with a chuckle. "There are other, more _interesting_ ways to spend our evenings…"

Katara sighed and she angled her head upward. "Zuko…you're not…you don't want to be a father just yet, do you?"

The Fire Lord stiffened. He pulled away from his wife momentarily, searching her face. "Katara…you're not…?"

"What? Oh, no, no, no! No, but I was thinking about what will happen from here on in. I mean, this isn't the end of the story, you know. And I know about the expectations on you to have heirs…"

"It's a non-issue, my love," he said resolutely. "When you're ready for children, I know I will be, too." He held her tightly and kissed her temple. "No one can dictate what the Fire Lord and Lady can or should do, especially when it comes to their bedroom lives."

"Hey Zuko! Your mother wants to know when you're going to start making babies!" Iroh yelled across the dance floor. "We old folks can't wait forever to see grandkids, you know!"

Zuko closed his eyes and muttered an oath to Agni. Katara fearfully clung tighter to him.

* * *

Ursa laughed languidly, a full, deep, rich sound oozing with seduction and sweetness that had the men around her hanging on her every charming breath. She swirled the remnants of her lime daiquiri around her glass. 

"But really, Katara's a very suitable match for Zuko," Iroh continued, trying to keep the woman focused on their conversation as she tossed the rest of her drink back. "She's the bravest warrior I've ever seen, a master Waterbender, a close friend to the Avatar, daughter of the Southern Water Tribe chief…"

Ursa pouted at him and pooh-poohed. "I have full confidence in her, Iroh. My Zuko wouldn't choose poorly, and he always was rather picky." She tossed her hair, a motion that instant reminded Iroh of Azula. "But it'd be too much fun to watch her jump through hoops just to please me, don't you think?" She grinned as the pirate captain handed her a fresh drink and kissed her hand in courtly fashion. She waved dismissively at him and he backed away meekly.

Iroh was about to protest, but stopped himself. There were some things you just shouldn't deny a woman, he thought, especially when it came to her daughters-in-law.

Ursa took a bracing swing of her drink and announced herself. "Now, gentlemen, if you'll pardon me, I'm going to _mingle_." Iroh's eyes widened when she hiccupped a little blue fireball. She caught his look and smiled toothily. "Really, Iroh, I've been hiding from my people for far too long. Don't I deserve to have a little fun?"

"Uh… I guess…"

The Fire Matron waved "toodles" with her dainty fingers and swept into the crowd.

* * *

**Due**: Why we here again cousin?  
**Tho**: I told you, if she's a Waterbender, then we's kin.  
**Due**: Then what's all these here other fellers doin' here?  
**Tho**: They marry outside the family in these parts.  
**Due**: …That's just sick. 

_Courtesy Ambrant Arandel.  
_

* * *

_(Meanwhile, in the Spirit World…)_  
**Roku**: Lu Ten? Lu Ten! Hey everyone, Lu Ten's here!  
**Yue/Hei Ba/Kyoshi/Gyatso/Koh/Wan Shi Tong**:_ (murmuring as they play Yahtzee) _Yeah…hey…  
**Roku**: _(clearing his throat)_ Hey everyone, Lu Ten's here, _and he brought beer!_  
**Yue/Hei Ba/Kyoshi/Gyatso/Koh/Wan Shi Tong**: _(jubilantly)_ "Yay!" / "Rawr!" / "Hooray for Lu Ten!" / "Woo hoo!" / "Welcome!"/ "How's it going, buddy?"

* * *

**Ursa:** So, I hear you're a dessert caterer.  
**Jeong Jeong: **…

* * *

**Song**: …And then he stole my chocobo…I mean, ostrich horse. What a jerk!  
**Mai**: He just plain ignores me. Has been ignoring me ever since my awkward and embarrassing adolescence. Insensitive jack-off…  
**Jin**: I made out with him.  
**Song/Mai**: …GET HER!

* * *

**Hakoda**: Wait, wait, wait, I've got another one. What kind of drinks do they serve to the dead? …Spirits! Get it?  
**Bumi**: Please…stop.

* * *

**Bato:** Wanna see my longboat? It's full of seamen.  
**Ursa:** I've seen many a ship in my time, sailor, but you're only flying at half-mast.

* * *

**Mai**: …And you wouldn't _believe_ the things that Xirxiu can do with that tongue!  
**Ty Lee: **…

* * *

**Joo Dee**: …And that's how the walls of Ba Sing Sei were built.  
**Longshot**: …  
**Smellerbee**: Wait, you expect us to believe that the whole city nation was built in a day?  
**Joo Dee**: Young man, I am one of the foremost experts in Earth Kingdom history, with a bachelor's degree in architecture, majoring in civil engineering, with a minor in political science and cultural hegemony. What do you have? A certificate in bad hair?  
**Longshot**: …FOR GODS' SAKE WOMAN, STOP SMILING! First of all, Smellerbee's a girl! Can you see the dress? Do you smell the perfume? Can you feel the boobs? (_squeezes her boobs._) Secondly, Ba Sing Sei stretches on for thousands of miles! Not only would it be physically impossible for that entire tract of land to be walled off in 24 hours, even if you had a whole army of Earthbenders, but the social infrastructure needed to build and sustain that area could not have been imported and dispersed within the allotted time you're suggesting. Furthermore…

* * *

**Boulder**: The BOULDER is guaranteed to make the EARTH move beneath you!  
**Ursa**: …What is it with you Earthbenders and your horrible puns?

* * *

**Professor Zei:** …And the yaoi section stretches on for more than twenty bookcases.  
**Canyon Guide**: Really?  
**Professor Zei**: You should see the fan fiction wing.  
**Canyon Guide**: …What's fan fiction?

* * *

**Chong**: Oh. My. GODS! That garden gnome's come alive!  
**Oyaji**: …

* * *

**Master Yu**: Did you _have_ to wear that same old vest and pant combo?  
**Xin Fu**: They're comfortable.  
**Master Yu**: They're worn and threadbare! Honestly, I can't take you anywhere. First thing we're doing when we get back to the Earth Kingdom is buying you some new clothes.  
**Xin Fu**: Oh, c'mon…  
**Master Yu**: You're embarrassing to be with sometimes. I don't know why I've stayed with you for so long  
**Xin Fu**: Honey, _not here…_

* * *

**Long Feng**: Allow me to introduce myself. I am Grand Secretariat Long Feng…  
**Ursa**: …Oh please, you can't possibly be _that_ long.

* * *

**Longshot**: _(after 20 minutes of ranting) _…hugely detrimental impact on the environment! And don't even get me started on your fascist regime! You bunch of controlling, totalitarian, militaristic yahoos have the gall to call yourselves the greatest city in the Earth Kingdom and stay out of a global war? Your ignorant, arrogant, isolationist rhetoric is going to be the death of the Earth Kingdom! What kind of grand nation uses fear as a weapon against its own people? If I had two cents...

* * *

**Chong**: Whoa! A giant hobbit!  
**General Fong**: …

* * *

**Mayor Tong**: _(singing)_ I've a girl back home who's unlike any other.  
**Sokka**: _(singing) _Yeah, the only girl who'd love him is his mother.  
**Aang/Haru/Jet**: _(singing) _But when we come home/in victory/they'll line up at the door!  
**Sokka**: _(singing) _What do we want?  
**All men**: _(singing) _A girl worth fighting for!

* * *

**Jet**: Hey, beautiful…you're hot. Wanna make sweet, sweet love in the coatroom?  
**Zuko**: …You know, Jet, I think I'd actually be _less_ uncomfortable if you were propositioning _my wife_.  
**Jet**: Hey, I don't discriminate. Much. And there's always room for one more.  
**Zuko**: Exactly how much have you had to drink?  
**Jet**: Drink?

* * *

**Fung**: The white lotus opens wide to those that know her secrets.  
**Ursa**: That is possibly the _nastiest_ pick-up line I have ever heard.  
**Fung**: Got your attention, though, didn't it?

* * *

**Lao Beifong**: Toph! Oh, my precious daughter…where have you been?  
**Toph**: Gee, Dad, where do you think? Away from you and your overbearing mollycoddling!  
**Lao Beifong**: Well, no longer. You're coming straight home with me, young lady. No more gallivanting around the world!  
**Toph**: _(pointing over his shoulder)_ Hey, look over there! Jun's drunk and getting naked!  
**Lao Beifong**: _(spins around)_ Where? I don't see her, where is she? Where were you pointing, daughter? I don't see anything…  
**Toph**: _(makes her escape, shaking her head.)_

* * *

**Rough Rhinos:**_(singing Barbershop style)_ Fi-i-re Laaaadyy…  
**Colonel Mongke: **Fire Lady, she burns so bright  
**Kahchi:**_…Ba-da-ba-bump…_  
**Colonel Mongke: **Fire Lady burns through the night  
**Kahchi:**_ …Ba-da-ba-bump…_  
**Rough Rhinos:** Fire Lady, burn bright for me  
**Rough Rhinos:** The Fi-i-re Lady burns for all to see…  
**Kahchi:**_…Ba-da-ba-bump…_

**Zuko**: I should really outlaw spontaneous musical numbers.  
**Katara**: I think it's a sweet little ditty.  
**Zuko**: Just wait until you hear them square off against the Terra Team Tenors.  
**Katara**: …So how fast can you pass that law?

* * *

**Toph**: Azula? Princess, are you okay?  
**Azula**: Oh. Hey Toph.  
**Toph**: Why are you crying?  
**Azula**: Haru's mad at me, that Jet guy's kind of a creep, Sokka's just a big-eared cretin…Gods, I feel so alone…  
**Toph**: Silly girl. There are lots of guys here who'd love to be with you.  
**Azula**: Not Aang, though.  
**Toph**: …What do you mean?  
**Azula**: Oh for Agni's sake, don't play coy with me. You won him, fair and square. There's nothing I can do to change that. He's yours for the night. He has eyes for you alone. I bet he's looking for you right now.  
**Toph**: …Wellll…we are good friends, right?  
**Azula**: Yeah.  
**Toph:** …And friends…well, they _share_ _things_, right?...  
**Azula**: …Toph...what are you suggesting?

* * *

**Longshot**: _(forty minutes later) _…nationalistic morons! You have all the economic and political foresight of a one-eyed badgermole in a circular tunnel! No wonder you almost lost the war! Walls can't keep your enemies out if they're within, but you think they can, don't you? And when it's not walls that divide, it's class! What will your king do when the people rise up to destroy the decadent upper classes? The craftsmen, the workers and labourers—_they_ control the means of production and outnumber you a hundred to one! They will not live underfoot and under heel forever! I have a dream...

* * *

**Shyu**: You know, vows of celibacy don't count if your temple's been destroyed.  
**Superior:** Take me. Take me hard.

* * *

**Haru**: I don't see what the problem is. You're pathetic, I'm pathetic, and we each have legions of people who dislike us for no apparent reason. Now that our prospective ships are taken, we have each other.  
**Song:** Wait a second, I know you! Weren't you in the latest issue of "Earth Kingdom Boys Gone Wild"?  
**Haru:** _(proudly)_ Page three, that's me.  
**Song**: _(blushing)_ So…is it…I mean, are you really…?  
**Haru: **One hundred percent made in Earth Kingdom, baby.

* * *

**Ursa**: Mmm. Hello there, young man.  
**Sokka**: Uh, hi, uh…Mrs….Zuko…Fire Lady…Matron…Mom-in-law…  
**Ursa**: _(purring)_ You're the bride's brother, no? I can see what my Zuzu likes in your family line…  
**Sokka**: Uh…hey, there's my dad! Have you met my dad? He's single!  
**Ursa**: (_looks over briefly and frowns_) Been there. Done that. Old hat, dear. Very old hat. Tell me, what do you think of _older_ women?  
**Sokka**:…I…uh…

* * *

**Longshot: **_(two hours of shouting later)_ …dare to say you're an expert in what's bound to be Earth Kingdom history's greatest mistake! And your hair is creepy, and you look funny, too!  
**Joo Dee**: … D :  
**Smellerbee**: …You've…been saving that up for a while, huh?  
**Longshot**: …I'm sorry, but her freaky smile made me do it. Hell, there goes my masculine mystique! I'll never compete with the Blue Spirit now…  
**Yu-Yuan Archer**: _ahem  
_**Longshot**: Oh shut the hell up, _Speedy!_ Just because I don't have some stupid tattoos across my face doesn't make me any less of an archer than you, douchebag! I can shoot arrows around you! Show me a bull's eye, and I'll show you…

* * *

**Iroh**: Hmm.  
**Zuko**: Something the matter, Uncle?  
**Iroh**: I feel a great disturbance in the force…  
**Zuko**: …What?  
**Iroh**: Someone is drinking…  
**Zuko**: Everyone's drinking.  
**Iroh**: Pardon me a moment, nephew. I have something to take care of…

* * *

**Lu Ten**: _(with an arm around Yue)_ So then I said to the lieutenant, Is that your spear, or are you just happy to see—OW!  
**Iroh**: Drinking with a minor! Disgraceful! You should know better, son!  
**Lu Ten**: Dad, you have to stop doing this! You can't just keep dropping into the Spirit World without there being some consequences! And stop ruining my dates!  
**Yue**: You know, I'm technically the Moon Spirit, and older than the lot of you put together. I can _so_ drink.**  
Iroh**: And _you!__You floozy!_ What happened to your eternal love for Sokka? **  
Yue**: Excuse me? Have you SEEN his tricked-out pimptacularness?  
**Iroh**: …His _what?_

* * *

**If I come up with more I want to share, I may edit this...or maybe put it on my LJ...of course, if you have any, share away!**


	43. Epilogue

**Well folks, it's been a wild ride, but all good things must come to an end. Thanks for sticking around and reading this series! I immensely enjoyed tickling your funny bones, and thwacking mine real good every now and again so I'd be inspired to churn out the shits and giggles.**

* * *

**Epilogue  
**

* * *

"Move over!"

"What the— Sokka? The _royal_ box seats are reserved for _royalty_!" Zuko barked irately.

The Water Tribe warrior pouted. "And Katara's the Fire Lady, making me—"

"Absolutely nothing! Get out of our private box!" Zuko yelled.

"Oh, just let him stay, Zuzu. There's plenty of room." Azula, having changed out of her hideous bridesmaid's dress and burned it, stuffed another handful of fire flakes into her mouth and offered them across her brother's lap to Katara. The new Fire Lady politely declined, stifling a yawn and rubbing sleep out of her eyes.

"Really, nephew, Sokka's your brother-in-law now." Iroh gestured at the concierge to bring another chair. "He's family. Show some respect."

Sokka grinned triumphantly and wedged himself between Iroh and Aang, the only non-family member given special status to attend the event in the royal box.

Growling and grinding his teeth, Zuko began counting backwards from one hundred. The young Fire Lord's blood pressure had been going steadily up ever since the end of the war, and the royal physicians had warned him against losing his explosive temper so frequently.

_100…99…98…97…_

Aang washed his palms over his haggard face, looking a little worse for wear. Dark circles ringed his eyes. Upon closer inspection, one could discern a crescent of red scores on the side of his neck. The young Fire Lord didn't ask, but he could've sworn those were bite marks.

The Avatar yawned hugely. "Man, why did your mom have to schedule this thing so early, anyhow? I mean, I know you all 'rise with the sun' and stuff, but I barely got any sleep last night…" he swiftly clamped his mouth shut as Azula bent forward and waggled her eyebrows suggestively at him. The young monk turned a becoming shade of bright pink.

No one seemed to notice this exchange.

"Tactical advantage, possibly," Zuko responded to Aang's question seriously. "Father won't have had time to recover his full strength after last night."

Azula added: "That, and it's more dramatic to say 'Agni Kai, at sunrise!' rather than 'Agni Kai, an hour after breakfast!'"

"Hey guys," Toph shuffled in, yawning, and sidled up next to Aang. "Did I miss anything?"

Zuko snapped around, eyes wide. "How'd you get past the guards? This is a private booth!"

Toph shrugged. "Dunno."

Zuko seethed, drawing patience from his inner well of strength.

..._75…74…73…72…_

The Earthbender leaned down and smilingly whispered something in Aang's ear that made him flare to the colour of a tomato. Sensing the princess nearby by the fluttering of her heart, Toph waved in Azula's general direction. The Fire girl blew her a kiss back with twisted lips (not that Toph could see it).

No one seemed to notice this exchange, either.

The blind girl turned her attention to the stadium below. "I can kinda feel someone's out there, but there's too much sand on the dueling pitch. Is it Ozai?" Toph asked.

"No, it's Ursa. She's just doing some warm-up stretches," Katara explained.

Toph curled her toes on the cold stone floor, evaluating the vibrations coming from below. "Hefty gal under all her robes, ain't she?"

"Big boned," Iroh explained demurely. "But don't underestimate that extra bulk. She's fast, and packs quite a wallop."

"Is… is that even physically possible?" Sokka stood up from the chair, bending sideways at the waist as he watched the Fire Matron arch lithely backwards. Not even Ty Lee could pull that move off without dislocating a few things.

"Pretty spry for an old lady," a voice next to Azula offered. "She's pretty hot, too."

Zuko looked over just in time to see Jet saunter in and sling himself over a chair next to the princess. The Firebender smacked his forehead with the heel of his palm.

"Jet? What the… no, scratch that. Who the hell's on guard duty?" he bellowed over his shoulder.

"Relax, Zuzu. I invited him," Azula waved him off, sounding utterly bored.

Everyone stared at her.

"What? Why?"

Azula shrugged. "For kicks?"

Zuko took a cleansing breath and muttered to himself. _I am at peace. I am on a tropical island on the clean blue sea, alone with my wife… I am somewhere_—_anywhere_—_that isn't hosting this collection of cretins and their conspiracy to drive me slowly insane…__52…51…50…49…_

The lanky Freedom Fighter smirked over at the Fire Lord, shifting the ever-present stalk of grass to the other side of his mouth and taking a handful of fire flakes from the bowl in Azula's lap. He slid one gangly arm around the Fire princess's shoulders and began whispering sweet nothings in her ear. She chuckled, rolling her eyes as though whatever he'd just said was the corniest thing she'd ever heard, and playfully shoved him away.

Sokka and Katara all glared daggers at the Freedom Fighter. Toph smiled wryly at a potted plant to Jet's right. Aang refused to look at him at all, and was now the deepest shade of vermillion human flesh could achieve.

No one seemed to notice this strange reaction, either.

"Well, looks like it's going to be a full house," Iroh remarked, breaking the icy tension in the private box. They surveyed the arena, an outdoor recreational facility with a simple sand-covered pitch that had lines marked into the dirt for use in the hot new game "Redemption." The stadium was also occasionally used for Agni Kais.

The stands were packed. Peasants from the Fire Nation capital who had heard about the duel filled the standing-room-only nosebleed mezzanine. The lower levels were jammed to capacity with last night's wedding guests, most of them still in their banquet finery since they hadn't bothered to go home. After all, no one wanted to miss the greatest fight of the century. Well, second greatest, next to Aang & Co. vs. Ozai I, that is.

"Meh, I've seen bigger crowds at Earth Rumbles," Jet remarked languidly.

Sokka took the bait and snapped. "If you can't appreciate the fine art of Agni Kai, then get out."

"Like _you_ know the finer points of fire duels?" Azula snickered.

The Water boy narrowed his eyes at his sister-in-law. "Don't make me dance with you again."

Azula laughed, a deep, rich sound that raised goose bumps on everyone's necks. Jet hugged her a little more possessively and glowered at Sokka.

"Zuko," Katara put a hand on her husband's elbow, "Your mother's not _really_ going to kill your father, is she?"

Zuko's face betrayed no emotion. "I'm pretty sure she is," he said. "She invoked a duel to win back honour for our family—" he turned, smiling crookedly "—and you know how serious we are about our honour."

"But… he's her husband." Katara fidgeted, tugging at her braid. "Zuko…you'd never kill _me_ in Agni Kai, would you?"

He cocked his one eyebrow at her. "Do you plan on challenging me for the throne?"

"Er…no."

"Feel the need to insult my honour?"

"No."

"Plan on calling my mother any number of nasty things?"

Katara paused in deep thought. "I hope not."

Choosing to ignore the long, hesistant pause after his last question, Zuko relaxed into a smile. "Then no."

Suddenly, Aang shot out of his seat, excited as a little boy on his birthday. "Guys! Here comes Ozai!"

Everyone in the stands rose on their toes to get a better look as the despondent-looking ex-Fire Lord shuffled into the arena, manacled and surrounded by a dozen guards. Breaching Agni Kai decorum, people broke the terse, solemn silence and began hissing and booing at the man who had nearly ruined the previous evening's festivities…not to mention the whole world.

Only one person did not pay this man any attention: Ursa was crouched at the ready at the other end of the dueling pitch, her standard draped over her bare shoulders exposed above her Agni Kai halter top. A serene, secretive smile graced her lips.

Ozai was released from his chains, and the dozen troops who had escorted him in lined the far wall to prevent his escape. One soldier placed the Fire Nation standard over his shoulders and roughly shoved him down into a ready crouch facing away from his wife. It was hard to tell, but the ex-Fire Lord was trembling.

The crowd settled and silence descended like a heavy blanket. The blood-red sun inched up over the horizon, Agni's bloated crimson eye sleepily floating up to bear groggy witness over the proceedings.

Ozai seemed to be muttering to himself and fidgeting with the waistband of his pants. But whatever he was going to try, it wouldn't work here: he was literally going to be toast.

A gong sounded, marking the start of the match, and Ursa smoothly got to her feet, the banner slipping from her sinewy shoulders, fluttering noiselessly to the ground. Ozai remained crouched at the other end of the pitch.

"What's he doing?"

Azula sneered. "Stalling. Your opponent can't attack you while you stay in the ready position with your back turned. It's considered dishonourable otherwise."

"Of course, it's an act of cowardice to keep on in the ready position," Iroh added, chuckling.

The ex-Fire Lord continued to squat there, working furiously at his wide waistband of his pants, whispering fervently to himself like the half-mad deposed ruler he was.

Overcome with impatience, Ursa snarled and stalked the length of the arena toward her estranged husband. "Come Ozai! Arise and fight!"

"I won't fight you!" he shouted like a petulant child over his shoulder.

The Fire Matron paced forward until she was only five feet away from her opponent. "You will fight me for your honour. Now get up!"

"No." Then the shuddering of his shoulders stilled. Ozai slowly got to his feet, the standard sliding away as though he were sloughing off a skin. Ursa filled her hands with blue fire, taking an offensive stance, her features twisting into a cruel smirk. The resemblance to Azula was unmistakable now.

"I won't fight you, Ursa," Ozai said lowly. "I won't fight you because…because…"

The crowd strained forward, gleefully awaiting the moment he turned to be incinerated into a piece of crispy jerky.

Ozai steadied himself. "Because you're my wife. And I love you."

He turned then, brandishing something in his hand. He held it at arm's length to Ursa and she stared at it. The fire in her palms died. Bewildered whispers rustled through the rapt audience.

"What is that?"

"What's he holding?"

"Why isn't she blasting him?"

A flurry of emotions slid through Ursa's face as she stared at the thing in her husband's tremulous grip. Her eyes finally moved to his face.

"Ozai…" she breathed. "A panda lily…?"

"Not just any panda lily, my love. This is the first flower I ever gave you, while we were courting. I had it pressed and preserved years ago, before we were married."

The woman's eyes brightened with unshed tears and her lips trembled. "I thought the servants had thrown it out…" she reached out and cupped the flower in her hands. "And you had it all this time…?"

Ozai launched into the confession of his life. "I love you, Ursa. I loved you so much, I didn't know what to do after you left. I didn't know why you'd gone, or what I'd done to drive you away…no, wait, that's a lie. I _did _know what I'd done to drive you out, but still….

"I was beside myself with grief, rage, fear… And I took it out on the children, on the world, and I was so wrong to do that…so very wrong. I can see that now. But I was so madly in love with you then, I couldn't deal with the loss. I loved you, I still love you…"

"OH, COME ON! KILL HIM ALREADY!" Iroh shouted from the stands.

Ozai fell to one knee, his expression open and mooning and...hopeful. "Marry me again, my love. We'll start over, begin a new life. No war, no kids to hold us back…"

"HEY!" Zuko and Azula cried indignantly.

"…We'll go away for a second honeymoon. To Kyoshi, or Ba Sing Se, or even the Northern Water Tribe! You've always said you wanted to go there, right?"

"Take her to Omashu!" Bumi crowed from a distance. "It'll _ROCK_ her world!"

_...Cough._

Ursa's delicate mouth gaped. Her brow furrowed, but one by one, the creases of fury were smoothing over, her lips curling slowly upwards into a blatantly girlish grin of glee. Fat tears of joy spilled over onto her blushing cheeks.

"Oh no…" Iroh buried his face in his palms.

"Oh, Ozai!" Ursa threw herself into her husband's arms as he surged up to receive her, and hugged him tightly. "Yes, my love, I will marry you again! We'll go away and start over and really make it _work_ this time!"

"I love you, my sweet, precious Ursa." Ozai held her tightly, then lifted her up at the waist and spun her around before bringing her back down for a long, passionate kiss.

The pitch of the crowd's "Awwwww" oscillated between saccharine approval and resentful disappointment.

Aang shot out of his chair, throwing his hands up in the air in disgust. "That's IT! If he tries to take over the world again, I'm blaming _your mom_." He jabbed Zuko in the chest with his finger. "And when that happens, DON'T call me!" He stomped away muttering profanities that would have made a pirate blush.

Toph groaned. "I'm getting outta here before they start making out." She followed Aang.

Sokka's jaw hung slack. "Did she…? She just…? And he…?" He stammered, and his face went crimson. "I PAID GOOD MONEY TO SEE THIS! I WANT TO SEE BLOOD! BLOOD, I SAY! BOOOOOO!" He shrieked.

"Hmph. Pretty smooth talker," Jet idly munched another handful of fire flakes. "I'll have to ask him about that panda lily thing sometime."

Azula huffed. "I can't believe she fell for that… that sentimental CRAP!" She folded her arms over her chest in disgust. "For once—_just once_—I wish this family would have a domestic fatality!"

Zuko cradled his throbbing head, squeezing his eyes shut, rocking back and forth ever so slightly, moaning. "She'd better not ask him to move back in with us. Please Agni, don't let her ask Father to move back in…"

Katara wiped a tear out of her eye, touched by romantic scene below. "But they're so sweet together. And it would be great to have your whole family back together, don't you think? I mean, doesn't everyone deserve a happy ending?"

The young Fire Lord stilled and peered up at her, and his haggard features smoothed over. He slowly smiled, feeling the swell of pride and contentment this perfect, wonderful, absolutely-made-for-him young woman inspired in him.

"You know, that's why I love you. You look at the world and you see all the happy, shiny, sparkly, beautiful things about it…" he stroked her cheek lovingly "…before it all goes to hell." He rose and took her hand, leading her out of the stadium.

"Zuko? Where are you going?" Iroh asked.

"To bed." He draped an arm around Katara's waist, his hand sliding down her spine to her buttocks. She grinned mischievously up at him and squeezed him tighter as Zuko gave his uncle a pointed, arch look. "_No__disturbances._"

* * *

_**The End.**_

* * *

**Thanks to everyone who laughed and encouraged me to write this, especially storybender, who got the ball rolling on this series simply by requesting it; also to Ambrant Arandel, Rashaka, and all the others who helped to contribute their ideas, jokes, suggestions, speeches, and the +1,300 reviews I got for this series up to the point I wrote this note. I would not and could not write without your continued support and criticism.**

**For those of you waiting, I swear I am working on the sequel to _Bent_, but I'm also working on a modern AU Zutara at the same time, plus a number of other drabbles and things. Really, I'm waiting to see what will happen at the end of the season before forging on ahead with a bunch of other projects, but I am also trying to step into the realm of regular fiction, so if I disappear for a while…well…**

**Best Wishes and Fishes, Vicki So.**


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